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A cow once tried to mount me a few years ago when I was working on a farm, so I have no love for their kind.

A cow once tried to mount me a few years ago when I was working on a farm, so I have no love for their kind.

Whoever owned land behind my elementary school had cows and one time I saw one of them mounting each other and I knew what that one was doing.  It was interesting given that I was only 10 or 11 at the time.  I even told some adults that were there and they just laughed.

Soooooo I am pissed off. See, my stepsister is getting married this weekend but she lives a few states away. Since I can't drive because of my epilepsy I was going to get a ride there. That was the plan. Instead though, my mom has decided to go with her boyfriend rather than her family! This means that while my stepsister is getting married I have to stay at home. More than that her boyfriend is a scumbag that stabbed my dad (his best friend since they were kids) in the back by dating my mom while my parents were still married. This is the person she chose over her own family and because of that I have to miss the damn wedding!

Soooooo I am pissed off. See, my stepsister is getting married this weekend but she lives a few states away. Since I can't drive because of my epilepsy I was going to get a ride there. That was the plan. Instead though, my mom has decided to go with her boyfriend rather than her family! This means that while my stepsister is getting married I have to stay at home. More than that her boyfriend is a scumbag that stabbed my dad (his best friend since they were kids) in the back by dating my mom while my parents were still married. This is the person she chose over her own family and because of that I have to miss the damn wedding!

That's horrible! It sounds like she cares more about having a good time than being there for family. I can completely sympathize...most of the family on my mom's side is exactly like that. =/

Is there any chance that someone else can take you to the wedding? Or maybe you could take a bus or something?

Unfortunately no. Nobody on my mom's side of the family lives close enough to me and a bus ride across...three states(?) I don't think I can afford right now.

Man, that sucks. And these are special moments you will miss forever, too. Has your mother deigned to explain her actions, at all?

Her excuse at the time was that she didn't want to pay for my hotel room but I could afford a room then and if I were certain I would be going I would have set aside the money for it.

https://akuni.livejournal.com/4157.html#cutid1

An old Bleach fanfic that I read a lot when I was younger...I mean, it was 2006, so I guess I was 20. Going back through and reading it, it made me feel good...good in that hazy, warm, soul-mending contentedness way that I haven't felt in so long. I feel like, at least for the moment, I've found some remnant of who I used to be, before life and NS grinded me down, before I became defined by stress and worry and responsibility. Some remnant of the emo kid, the hopeless romantic, the guy that wants to believe in love and not just be non-committal about ever finding it.

I feel drunk on emotion right now, and it's such a good feeling.

But it's more than that. These last few days, I've been eating a fraction of the sugar I usually do. I haven't taken care of...other needs...in a few days either. I'm waiting for something external to turn me on, something I haven't done in a long time. Maybe I want to be healthier physically and mentally...maybe I want to rediscover my excitement and passion for life and all of its mysteries, like I did before I became reduced to surviving through the day one day at a time. I don't even know. I don't even know if any of this is making sense.

All I know is that I feel so good right now, and I love feeling good.

Her excuse at the time was that she didn't want to pay for my hotel room but I could afford a room then and if I were certain I would be going I would have set aside the money for it.

That's just shit...I'm so sorry you had to depend on someone so unreliable and so uncaring about your feelings to keep up the commitment she made to you. It really does sound depressingly like my family...

You don't really appreciate the type of neighbourhood where you can go partying till the early hours of the morning until you're good and properly drunk. I discovered 3 new bars tonight by accident as I stumbled my way home. Yesz, I suppose I shouldn't condone this taupe of behaviour, but by God, what is the point of living if you can't be irresponsible every now and then. What is your freedom worth then?

Oh, god, I'm a drunken philosopher, literally the worst kind.

You know, I've been thinking about my life and while it hasn't turned out how I thought it would have by a long shot, I'm moderately alright with where I am now. I want to get out of working at Taco Bell and into a job that has more to offer (more pay, more benefits, ect.), I do have a somewhat comfortable place when work isn't stressing me the fuck out.

I think this is also somewhat related to my behavior as of late, I've been away from my family for a few months now, and honestly, I couldn't be happier. I'm relatively minimal contact with my father and younger brother (thank-god), and also with my mother. I had some stability in my life, and while things aren't perfect, they're better than before. Really, I think part of my behavior had to do with the situation I was in, I was rather powerless and weak and was usually on edge, and I think part of that was reflected in the way I behaved. Or maybe it's a variety of other changes that have occurred recently, who knows.

To expand on what I posted when I was emotionally drunk (and it was a good feeling!)...

About six weeks ago, I read about a study that they're doing in California...they're actually paying people $300 to eat an avocado every day for six months to determine if doing so makes people lose weight. In the article, a doctor not involved with the study said that it should theoretically work with any fruit...turns out the reason they're using avocados is because the study is being funded by the avocado industry. So I decided to give it a try myself...I've always had a terrible habit of binging on any junk food I had with me at work late in the morning, so I started having an apple right before that period. Turns out that if I do do, I usually don't get the craving to binge, and if I do it's much weaker.

Then about two weeks ago, I switched from dairy milk to almond milk because I felt weighted down and sometimes a bit nauseous after having a lot of dairy milk, like when I'd have one cup of coffee after another (my coffee is 2/3 coffee, 1/3 milk lol). It turns out that I actually prefer dairy milk in my coffee, so I space out how often I have it...but I love almond milk by itself! It's such a rich, naturally sweet flavor and actually satisfies me by myself, so I have a glass at night when I would usually be having a sweet or microwave snack.

Just those two things have virtually cut most of the added sugar and a lot of calories I would have in a day, and in that period I've lost nine pounds...the first time I've ever lost a significant amount of weight in my life without being sick. Even better, I'm finding I have more energy, don't need to sleep as much, and I'm more productive and focused. I've said on here a lot of times that I feel like I'm always behind on everything in my life, but I feel like I'm making a comeback now.

As for the...other thing...it's not that I've suddenly gotten into abstinence or something, lol. I've just come to realize that I've always used masturbation, porn, and sex as a crutch for my anxiety, which I also just realized I've always had a few months ago. It started when I was so young that I just always thought it was normal, and that I was just someone who tended to stress and worry about things. But the fact is I way stress out too much over minor things, and anything that involves dealing with strangers is nerve-wrecking for me...and sexual things have always been my go-to for relaxing and feeling better. It's always been like after a good wank session I could put the stress of the day behind me and enjoy the night.

It's not like I'm going to stop loving those things or doing them...it's just that I want to enjoy them at their best. I want to be turned on by things naturally and go from there, I don't want to feel the need to have to look at porn to get turned on so I can let go of things and relax. I feel like I'm resetting my body, and it'll tell me when the time is right to start enjoying sexual things again...maybe even when someone turns me on and wants to enjoy sexual things with me.

But in the end, I suppose it's true...I want to find some part of who I was, someone that was more passionate, more feeling, more headstrong. Someone who hadn't been ground down by life. I swear, I've watched life grind down old friends and people I knew...turned wonderful, amazing, unique people into shadows of their former selves...people focused on nothing but getting through the day, getting through the paycheck, getting through life. All I know is that I don't want that to be me. I want to enjoy life and be an enjoyable person...I want to stay curious and interested in everything, and be an interesting person. I want to stay hungry, but not obsess over everything that's wrong with life.

I want to keep the best of who I am, and rediscover the best of who I was.

So, to kick off the fact that life is getting a little better, I had one of my usually normal strange dreams last night.

In the dream, I was basically Elsa from Frozen.  I say basically because it was still me, but I had snow and ice powers and for some reason was walking around wearing the iconic blue dress of hers.

But to make things more amusing, I was basically a pissed off/evil Elsa.  I went around freezing streets where I walked, and buildings that were full of people.  Oddly enough though, I didn't freeze any actual people.

At one point, I realized that I was wanted by police and also realized that they probably knew me by my blue (which was now white for some reason) dress, so I ran to a store and quickly changed into something more casual before continuing my reign of terror and ice.

The trigger for this whole thing? I was invited to some comicon panel type of thing by some friends of mine, where apparently Hulk Hogan was going to be there. When we got there, I was more interested in the fact that Steve Buscemi was there.  He showed the fact that he had a full schedule and couldn't take any other people...however he turned to another friend of mine who was a girl that he found attractive, and penciled her in.  For some reason this sent me over the edge, thus icy killing spree with a pretty dress.

And my first use of power was turning the building he was in into ice and watching it crumble into ruin.

The House RP is live.

It's weird when you get teeth pulled, because the first instinct is to touch that area with your tongue, only to feel surprised since there's nothing there anymore.

On the flipside, the dentist was incredibly cute.