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Granted, unfortunately, all time slows down and you are stuck in slow-mo for the rest of your life.

I wish i had a house elf

Granted.  You have a house elf.

But one day, when you accidentally hand it your socks while you put your pants on, you forget that by giving it clothes, you're setting it free.  You no longer have a house elf.

I wish I had a wand and that I couldn't cause any sort of destruction/violent act with it, and its only uses were to heal the sick/injured when it touches them...without the toll being something that takes away from my own life force or giving me their affliction. 

Granted! It does exactly what you want, and you proceed to go around healing and curing the sick and injured. Word spreads, and people start seeking you out. Soon you have waiting lists and you are earning a great living from this. But there are a lot of health professionals losing out because of your curing prowess, and the health industry is tanking, and the government is forced to take action. You soon find yourself on death row and your wand taken in to be used by the military. Shame.

I wish I had the ability to teleport.

Granted!  But after teleporting to Tokyo, Dubai, and Moscow, you accidentally teleport into the sun and are incinerated before you know what happened. 

I wish for the ultimate question of life, the universe, and everything.

Granted! You were told about the ultimate question but unfortunately, due to short-term memory loss, you have completely forgotten about it.

I wish for the power to remember everything that I have ever experienced or encountered in my life.

Granted! You were told about the ultimate question but unfortunately, due to short-term memory loss, you have completely forgotten about it.

I wish for the power to remember everything that I have ever experienced or encountered in my life.

Granted, you remember all the horrible memories you were repressing and the pain causes you to enter a deep depression.

I wish I knew what question 42 is the answer to.

Granted! It does exactly what you want, and you proceed to go around healing and curing the sick and injured. Word spreads, and people start seeking you out. Soon you have waiting lists and you are earning a great living from this. But there are a lot of health professionals losing out because of your curing prowess, and the health industry is tanking, and the government is forced to take action. You soon find yourself on death row and your wand taken in to be used by the military. Shame.

I wish I had the ability to teleport.

Well done.  I was trying to make it as loophole free as possible. 

Granted: You now know.  However, it's not the question you were hoping for, so you find yourself on the ledge, realizing that everything at that point is meaningless.  You jump.  You don't survive the fall.

I wish the world was black and white.

Granted, but everything is black. Pitch black. Except for dog shit left on the sidewalks but owners too bored to pick it up, which is blindingly white. Upon seeing an instance of this you go blind. And then. Everything is black. Pitch black.

I wish I would always get to everything I planned exactly on time...

Granted, but everything is black. Pitch black. Except for dog shit left on the sidewalks but owners too bored to pick it up, which is blindingly white. Upon seeing an instance of this you go blind. And then. Everything is black. Pitch black.

I wish I would always get to everything I planned exactly on time...

Granted, its the time I chose and I chose never 

I wish my priest was less boring

Granted.  You discover your priest is secretly a warrior monk from Tibet, but as you have discovered him, he can no longer pretend to be a priest as his disguise.  He relocates to a location unknown to you and is replaced by a priest more boring than the first seemed to be.

I wish I was omnipotent.

Congratulations, you become omnipotent! You can do literally anything, as you have all power! Too bad your brain can't handle all the new abilities it has. You quickly go insane as random synapse firings cause inexplicable changes to your environment, quickly culminating in the destruction of the entire universe! You're gonna have to start over.

I wish for 20/20 vision!

Granted, your vision becomes perfect!  Unfortunately you get in a bicycle accident two days later and you fly into rose bushes, which blinds you. 

I wish I was Q from Star Trek.

Granted, your vision becomes perfect!  Unfortunately you get in a bicycle accident two days later and you fly into rose bushes, which blinds you. 

I wish I was Q from Star Trek.

Seems like we've dropped this for a few days. Still, I might be able to scrounge a little bit of fading pixie dust to... yes, I think so...

*Flash* Granted! You have the powers of the Q! Unfortunately, the Q Continuum seems to dislike your sudden appearance into their midst, disrupting the same dusty road they always travel down, and you are imprisoned by them in a nearby galaxy strung to the inside of a quantum flux and your powers stripped. Damn.

I wish I had the strength of ten thousand men, all with abs and wearing nothing but shorts.

Granted!

You now have 10 thousand men with abs and shorts lined up to lend you their strength.  Unfortunately, they realize that you're not the person directing the Mr. Universe competition, and so they leave before deciding to use their pooled strength to destroy your house for deceiving them.

I wish today was Friday.

Granted, today is Friday, everyday, which means you have to work forever and ever and ever.

I wish for a loophole free way to wish for a wish.