Music plays as the Socks News logo appears on the screen, the camera cuts to two reporters at their desk.Ramona: Good evening and welcome to Socks News at 11, as always I’m Ramona Rambly, here with my co-anchor Tucker Talker, and we’ve got a lot to report tonight.
Tucker: That’s right Ramona. Starting with our top story, player Laurentus has asked folks to “sheep” him in the game. While some may take this meaning innocently, we here at Socks News think it’s nothing more than some type of perverted slang, and kindly ask our viewers to please not take it seriously, as we don’t know what the actual connotations of this would be. Is this some new practice we should be worried about? We’ll have more on that later after we have our field analyst Chuck explore.
Ramona: Our next story was going to be a report on the possibly resurgence of Emperor Dominaria, but it appears that our footage was somehow lost in the system, so unfortunately we’ll have to report on that later when we can have our monarchical advisor Tom go back out in the field.
Tucker: Tragic, tragic. In other news, local player Exlight assumed that Marzipan and Cozmik are the same person, though sources close to us have indeed assured us that they are definitely two different people. However, does this assumption mean that there may be potential wedding bells in the future? According to an off-camera statement from player Arenado, Exlight would be cruising for a bruising if this course was pursued...so we can only imagine that it’s not the case. Marzipan and Exlight were unfortunately unavailable for a followup comment.
Ramona: Interesting to see where that goes, but speaking of Arenado, sources have disclosed that Arenado potentially does poetry? When out of town Poet Laureate Aersoldorf had mentioned the subject, Arenado had seemingly posted some poetry in response. However, it was quickly discovered that the poetry was in fact from another source. Arenado unfortunately couldn’t be reached for comment on this discovery, but sources say they did see him carefully perusing a book of poems before he quickly hid it away upon discovery.
Tucker: However this didn’t seem to quell a possible suspicion that Arenado and Aersoldorf were actually long lost brothers that were separated at birth. Local expert Mathius Landine had this to say:
Mathius: Yes I’ve done extensive research on this very query, and the chart just doesn’t lie:
Tucker: Wow.
Ramona: Astounding.
Tucker: Right? Who would have thought.
Ramona: Absolutely. Marzipan seems to be finally succumbing to Arenado’s terrible penchant for puns, in other news. Eyewitnesses claim that they were going on about how cheesy they were after someone had made a comparison between their name versus the well known Mascarpone, which is a soft Italian acid-set cream cheese. Those same eyewitnesses were themselves witnessed needing to be taken to the hospital after suffering such extensive pun pains.
Tucker: Moving back to our story about Arenado being outed as a Plagarist, we’ve had new reports that he may have also plagiarized his best selling series A Melody to Burns and Chills based off another best selling series. In unrelated news, local vigalante Batman has been sighted petting baby ducks at the pond, and scaring off any would be duck haters. He’s decided to retire the old uniform and don a new colorful one, calling himself Duckman: Protector of Ducks.
Ramona: I wonder how The Penguin is going to take having another bird-named person. Will they become friends now that they both have a love for birds?
Tucker: Who knows? Going back to Marzipan, local sources say that they threw all money into stocks for an Autocorrect app that was named after a fruit, but has been known for its horrible inaccuracies. Meanwhile, the forgotten and highly accurate autocorrect app Pickle had reportedly continually attempted to reach out to Marzipan, who rejected on the premise that “pickles are gross.”
Ramona: In more interesting news, local player Aersoldorf has continually threatened to have our network shut down. According to statements taken from direct quotes, “Socks News is uncreative news that spouts misinformation, and is the actual bad guy here.”
Tucker: That seems a little harsh. I don’t know why reporting the news makes us the bad guy.
Ramona: Absolutely. But what does it mean to be “uncreative” exactly?
Tucker: That’s a great question. Since we’re reporting facts, I don’t see how creativity would come into play here.
Ramona: Definitely. It makes you wonder what other things he’ll say to people in the future.
Tucker: Oh most definitely. Moving onto our segment on animals, it seems that a wombat has made its way into the city. Locals are still confused as to where this wombat came from, as no local zookeepers have reported it missing or attempted to reclaim this animal. Currently it’s been reported to have been taken in to a local animal shelter to be given care until its owner steps forward.
Ramona: In more Philosophical news, local player Anubhav Ghosh attempts to establish the ideas of Lauism, but citizens aren’t having it. “Stop trying to make Lauism happen!” Commented one of the other local players, while another compared it to player Laurentus’ similar approach to a “Bianca gov.” More on this story later, we now turn to our expert on sleep, Doctor Drow Z. Dr. Drow, what’s your take on participating in events in a sleep like state?
Dr. Drow: Yes well, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with it, but folks should be aware that when they’re still in that drowsy state, they may say things without being entirely clear on what they’re saying, and may addle their own brains in the process. For this, I highly recommend buying this lovely miracle pill known as Sleep-away, which will make you wake up instantly and has absolutely no known reported side effects. It’s also a great tool for weight loss, and is also an excellent way to boost testosterone. I cannot recommend this enough, buy Sleep-Away, available at your local pharmacy.
Ramona: Thank you Doctor, that’s all the time we have for now. Please join us for more news tomorrow at 11.
Music plays as the two reporters talk casually inaudibly as the screen fades to black.