I think I'm in an abusive relationship.. ?
I mean.. emotionally abusive.. ?
I was talking to my therapist and sometimes it's hard to tell what she's thinking about, but I realized that the conclusion i've been being guided towards is i'm being abused? And it makes me wonder if she's not wrong.
I have this idea now that maybe I'm being abused, and I'm holding it like something precious to my chest, not telling anyone.
I mean, what if she found out right? I have to keep it secret. I'm scared to even post it here for fear that maybe she spies on me and reads the forums. I made a logical deduction on that point though, if she finds out I said this from spying on what I say here then I'm almost certainly right and it doesn't much matter what she thinks of me. There's some logic for you ..bitch...
I am so scared, I'm so scared...
I've realized that what I've thought of myself has been slowly eroded away.. my relationship with my ex-wife deteriorated at the same time. The hurt I feel is immense and indescribable, and nobody IRL seems to care at all except my therapist.
It's hard to isolate these feelings.. I changed jobs to a completely different career path, moved to a new state, came out to my conservative family, got divorced and transitioned to another gender all within the space of 6 months. Which factor .. is making me feel this way? A combination of factors? I used to think it was me transitioning, but laying the factors out like that let me rank them, most impactful to least impactful:
1. Divorce
2. Career
3. Moving
4. Coming out & Transition are about the same.
So.. not the transition.
I, in a fit of very out of character irrationality, impulsively got on my knees and prayed to God that I was making the right decision. I haven't done that in .. years and years. I don't even remember the last time.. it's so silly..
Spoiler
It didn't help. Sometimes I wish I believed in God.
Despite that silliness, I think that I've begun making a reasonable course of action. Anyway.. wall of text, I think I'm coming to something pretty momentous. It'll all be fixed soon with any luck.