So I ended up breaking down and crying this evening. I was disappointed because I didn't get the one thing I was really wanting for this birthday: having some time to spend with a lot of my friends together and having both a fun and memorable day.
Some couldn't make it due to prior obligations, and some had to work...both of which I'm totally cool with since real life obligations outweigh birthday wants. But a lot of them didn't even show for no reason at all. Even the ones that said outright that they were totally going to be there didn't show up. I had to hear from Douglas (my boyfriend) about how two of the people who were supposed to be my close friends were out getting nails done and all that...but couldn't really bother to at least come say "hey" or spend the one day with me that I was actually really wanting to spend with friends and family.
I was really glad of course that Douglas showed up, and a coworker friend of mine named Chris showed up as well, and we played about 5 games of laser tag and still had a fun time. But realizing that none of my actual friends that said they'd be there and didn't actually show...it cut a bit deep for me. Maybe it's time I really started re-looking at and re-thinking about the friends that I have.
So yeah...after laser tag and Douglas' and my trip to the mall (he got conned into buying a $200 thing despite my protesting -_-), we sat in the car for a bit. Being as I still internalize things, the whole nobody-showing-up thing was still bugging me, and when Douglas prodded a bit, I ended up telling him and I started crying a bit. He held me close and let me cry it out and, being his normal self, was helping me feel better.
I also ended up opening up to him about the feelings I've been having (what I was talking about in
this post here). Though it ended up going a bit more in depth, and it turns out there's actually a bit more to what I was feeling than what I stated in that post.
While a big part of it was and still is that I don't feel like I'm good enough for him, a part of it is also that I'm just scared. When I was still in the hookup scene, there was this whole mindset built up of "once you're done, you're over them." In other words, once the sexual act was over, you'd move on since they were a one night thing. A problem with that however is that, for me at least, that would translate into relationships - Once things got intimate and sexual, that mindset would slowly start to build up. I'd start to get over them and desire someone else, and that relationship would forfeit. One of the reasons I ended up being sexually repressed with my last serious boyfriend was because I was in that mindset sexually, but I still was attracted to him.
One of the things that I don't want is to get that intimate with Douglas, and then have that mindset kick in. He's by far the only guy I've ever had this kind of feeling for, and I don't want to do something that might take that away. Though the other side of that is that because of that, I already can't bring myself to do anything with him in that sense. He's new to it, and because I'm terrified of introducing him to it and then falling out of wanting to do it, I just simply can't bring myself to even introduce him to it.
I actually ended up telling him all of this and more. For the first time in my life, I actually really just let all of my feelings out with no filter, no thoughts about how he was going to take it, nothing. It wasn't even a break up, just more like a breakdown.
And you know what he did? He hugged me. He held me close again and actually told me that it was okay. Told me that he's been through all of his life without sex, and that it wasn't a big deal to him that he didn't mind not having it in his life. Told me that he still loved me, and that if it ever did come to the point where I wasn't happy, or wanted something different, that he'd be okay.
By far he's been the most amazing person I've ever met, and I still don't think I deserve someone like him. I even told him such, and told him that there's far better people out there that would be better out there, people that would be something that I could never be for him, and that wouldn't have these fears or worries like I do.
He didn't say anything, but laid his head on my shoulder and smiled.
I'm really lucky to have him in my life, even after all that he's still wanting to be with me, and despite everything I still really want to be with him.
