Boy...what hasn't been on my mind lately...?
Well, my birthday is next month, and while I haven't been dreading it, I haven't been exceptionally excited either. If anything, I've been more anxious about it as each day passes. It's a milestone for me in more way than one.
On the one side, it's my 30th birthday, and that on its own is a big deal because in this day and age it's the real step into adulthood...at least, in the US it's like that. It's not uncommon for people in their 20s nowadays to still be heavily reliant on parents or even living with them, to where 30 is becoming the new 18 when people really start to actually live on their own and support themselves. For myself, I've been on my own truthfully only since 2014, since I didn't start getting an actual steady income to where I didn't need my parents' help. This year has been the first that I've had a good steady job as well to where I've been able to pay all my bills without worry...even student loans when I feel the need.
On the other side, my uncle (the only other gay relative I've ever known in my family so far) passed away when he was 30 due to a heart condition. So by hitting and passing my 30th year, I'll have outlived my uncle, although part of me always worries that I won't. Part of me is scared that, like my uncle, I won't make it past my 30th year.
Then there's the boyfriend. If you didn't catch it in the thread, I already gave a hint on where I was at
in here. I'm almost in an opposite pool with him, though. I absolutely adore him because of his personality and feel like we're connected more on a emotional level...but there's almost this disconnect when it comes to the physical. I think part of it is that I just feel like I'm not good for him. He's 19 years old, and is far more financially stable than I am. He pays for most of the dates, and even paid for our tickets to PAX, and will give me rides home from work often. Considering he's in the midst of wanting to move out and is getting ready for that step....that's not what he deserves. He deserves someone that will be the one paying for the dates and spending money on him.
It wasn't until he was talking about how his sister in law could hook him up with a job in another state that I started to realize how I was actually feeling. When that was brought up, I was actually relieved and was urging that he take the job, since he deserves more than working the bakery at Wally World. And it was actually at that moment that I started reconsidering my own feelings if I was really that enthusiastic about him leaving for a fresh start. One day in the back of my mind I actually thought he was going to break up with me, and again I was relieved. One reason I'm hesitant on saying anything is because we share a lot of the same friends at work, and I'm slightly terrified of breaking up with him because of how that may turn out. When it turned out that he wasn't going to do that and still has strong feelings for me, it actually made me a little disappointed since that's essentially the universe's way of telling me to step up and say something...despite the fact that I really don't want to break his heart, especially since I'm his first on practically everything (first boyfriend, first kiss, and he's a virgin).
So yeah. I've been a little more irritable lately, and those are two of the major reasons why. Partly because of the approaching birthday, partly because I just need to break it off with the boyfriend and I'm having a difficult time thinking of how to do so the most gently.
