I've been thinking about this for a long time and I've come to these conclusions. I'm tired of talking so that I can be told that I need to think about a future that I don't want and that terrifies me or to think about"the good of the family". The same fucking family that drove me insane slowly, year after year grinding my soul to dust. I'm tired of bottling everything I feel inside until I feel it eat away at me. I'm tired of feeling better one day and crashing hard the next. I'm tired of the sleepless nights starting at the ceiling for hours so that all goddamned day I can be fatigued. I'm tired of feeling guilty over these thoughts and feeling worthless for being to cowardly to do anything about it. I'm tired of the fact that the only place I can be honest about myself is on the internet. I'm tired of living in a country where I'm treated like a fucking outsider in my own blasted nation. I'm tired. I want to rest easy now. And now I have what I need to do it. Before all the choices terrified me. What if I survived the fall? What if the cuts hurt? What if I felt the rope? But now it can be simple. Painless. Quick. Now I can just shoot myself. One .38 to the head and no more problems. No more worries. No more pain. Just sleep. I see that now. That's why I'm here. That's why God put me in the police.
I want you to know something. Everything I said about Wintreath is true. This is a special place.
No, North, don't you fucking dare. You don't come on here and talk me down and then go into talking about doing something to yourself like that. You're a much better person than that.
While I can't say that I'm on the same level when it comes to the family bit, I do understand what it feels like having to feel almost all of those things that you feel. Fuck, I even know what it's like to feel like the choice to end it all is the ideal one. But you know what? I'm going to quote what you told me in your post:
All I know is that from what I know you're a wonderful person and have nothing to feel insecure about. Don't ever lose sight of that and don't let the past control you. The past isn't worth losing the future.
Because even if it's not the past itself dragging you down, it still applies to you. You're a good person, even if you have things in your life that may be trying to convince you that you're worthless or don't deserve to be here. In the end, you deserve better than you and others are giving you, and ending your life isn't the answer because it isn't worth losing the future which may end up being absolutely amazing.
But if you go through with it, then you really are a fucking coward. Life isn't supposed to be easy, otherwise we wouldn't complain about it and wonder what it'd be like if it was better. But It's finding ways to overcome those challenges thrown at us that will make life amazing when that time comes. Sometimes that challenge is being able to push through with a positive mindset rather than looking at the darker sides of your thoughts...which can be a struggle sometimes, but it will keep you going. You're a stronger person than this, North, please don't let the actions of others or your darker thoughts control the very cycle of your life. You CAN overcome those obstacles and find a brighter future than one that ends with a literal bang. You can find ways to wade through the shit and get out of the water that's holding you down and cutting off your oxygen.
You're young, you've still got plenty of time for your life to change into something better than it is, and you have plenty of time to be the one at the helm of changing it and making it better.
