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HAPPY INDEPENDENCE AMERICA DAY

For the British Among Us

Earlier I ran across some old emails...mostly from people I was close to in other communities before I joined NS and now for the most part I haven't talked to in years and couldn't find them to talk to even if I wanted to. All those people I considered myself close to, and now...nothing.

Of course, for most of my life being my friend hasn't apparently been the easiest thing ever. I've never had much in the way of friends offline, and the average age of an online friendship for me has been a year or two. Then we drift apart, or something comes between us that irreparably harms the friendship, especially if it involved something I ran and they didn't like a decision I made. But not so much here in Wintreath...here I've had friendships last much longer, in many cases from the time we met and continuing...is it because of the awesomeness of Wintreath? The fact that I'm older and more emotionally mature? Or is it that Wintreath tends to be a community of older people? Or is it just that this community is the glue that holds people together?

I don't know, but I'm glad for it.

My family is going through a rather stressful time for everyone, emotionally, and I have no idea how to try and alleviate the situation. I really wish I could help but I have no idea how to do so.

I'm sorry, I need to vent a bit, so you're going to be seeing a lot of text.

So as many of you know, I have a boyfriend...and the first few weeks have been magical.  He's been very kind, very easy-going, he's fun to be around, and I genuinely just feel safe and content when I'm next to him.  We basically spent all of our nights together just talking, gaming, stuff that I can't mention in here, and overall the first few weeks were lovely.  Every time he left, I missed him and wanted to see him again, and I thought it was the same for him since he would be the one to first say that he missed me when we saw each other again.

This last week...something changed.

the weekend of that last week, he stopped wanting to be sexual with me, brushing it off as saying that he was too tired (even though I knew he really wasn't).  The next couple of days after, he kept coming up with reasons why he couldn't come over, a friend needed him, he needed to catch up with stuff at home, his friends were going out to the casino, that kind of stuff.  Which, sure, okay, that's perfectly okay...but consecutive days in a row just after you stopped wanting to be sexual with me?  My insecurities believed it was because he was losing interest in me...and basically I had the absolute worst Friday ever because I was feeling like that.  He wasn't communicating a lot with me during, and most of it was telling me not to wait up for him, or that he wasn't going to come over because it'd be too late (despite him knowing I'm awake super late because I work mid-morning, so I don't go to bed till like 5AM).

So we had a talk about it Friday night when he finally decided to come over after work.  He insisted that he wasn't losing interest in me, I told him my concerns as to why it came off as that (the coincidental consecutive not wanting to be over after the sudden non-sexualness), he apologized for making me feel like he was losing interest and agreed to work on it.  He spent the night, went to work the next day, came over that night.

Then Sunday (2 days ago) happened.

Sunday is the only day off he has for work, as well as one of my days off (as well as Saturday), so it's the only day we can have together.  We had made plans to spend the day together, spent part of it sleeping in, sprinkled in some gaming, and had plans to go out for karaoke and enjoy the night together.

His work called.  Before I could even blink, he already had one foot out the door, ready to drop everything to go into work on his only day off.  He works at a Restaurant as a front-end manager.

Before you ask, no, they didn't need him.  They had other employees there as well as another manager there to close.  They could have easily survived without him, and he even said as much when he told me that he basically only clocked in for an hour.

This time, I wasn't upset, but rather pissed.  We had prior plans already, his work didn't even need him in the first place, and he easily dropped our plans on his only day off for work as if he was just out with a random acquaintance rather than spending the time with his boyfriend.

His reasoning?  Because we weren't doing anything except lying there napping.  Yeah, forget that we had planned to go out just after waking up, and forget that even laying there and enjoying your time off with someone you just said that you loved a day prior, because that clearly doesn't fucking matter as much as your work.

And no, I'm not exaggerating.  The moment he came home, we had an hour talk.  In this hour talk, he literally said that if we were out of town, he wouldn't have cancelled.  But since we were just sitting at my place (ignoring the fact that enjoying time with your partner really knows no specific place), that that was the reason he went to work, again, despite us having plans on going out shortly before he walked out on them.

He also stated that he puts me and his job equally, even though his next statements as well as his actions (since again our day was planned before work interfered, and he very easily went with work over me) pretty much contradicted that.  He said that the reason he's a little more preferable about work is because he sees a future with it, which you know, regardless of how he meant it, is a bit upsetting because plainly it means that he puts me at less because he doesn't see one with me (even though he insisted that wasn't what he meant).

Regardless, after me fumingly stating my feelings this time and getting them out, he agreed to work on things a bit (again), talk to his boss about not calling him on Sundays, and that we were still okay.

Cut to one day later.  Midnight, still haven't heard anything from him.  He normally sends me a message when he's going to work hoping that I have a good day, and a message after work letting me know what the plans are...whether he's going out with friends, staying out all night, yadda yadda.  Regardless of those days last week that he didn't stop by, he at least let me know why and what was going on.

Today, nothing.  I sent him a message at just before 4 before he went to work hoping that he had a nice nap before work (since he was sleepy), nothing.  Sent him a message at 11PM (he closes the restaurant around 10:30PM, usually sends a message around 11 letting me know the plan) asking how work was...nothing.  Not hearing from him both his usual times, I asked him about 45 minutes later if anything was wrong...nothing.

He's just been dead silent the entire time.

I'm just done.  And I basically just told him off on it in my last message, because I don't deal well with the non-response bullshit.  I know he's not busy at work since it's closed, and I know he wasn't literally dragged somewhere where he couldn't let me know what's going on.  He's just refusing to talk to me, and I'm done with it.

Im sorry to hear that, Pengu. I really am. I wish I knew what to say or do to make you feel better. All I can say is that Im sorry that this happened. You deserve better than that and I cant imagine how you must feel right now. If you need anything, Im here for you.

Thanks North.  I was a bit depressed since I really loved him...more than I've ever loved any of my exes.  But I was also a bit pissed though, because I don't feel like I deserve having to go through such a rollercoaster of emotions just because my boyfriend clearly wasn't at the same level as I.

But I'm okay at the moment, for now.  We'll see how tomorrow goes once I sober up a bit, but I had a nice talk with my cousin who helped me put things in perspective, and I don't see myself retracting my decision even if he decides to finally get back to me.

Well, hopefully after a little time tomorrow you'll feel better. It's good to talk with your family and I'm glad that your cousin helped :]

Yesterday was a trying day...I woke up with anxiety, which took most of the morning to overcome. Then I had to take my mom to run an errand during a break and go grocery shopping after work...I don't mind those things, it just physically drains me cause I'm out of shape, lol. In fact I like going to the store late after work...it's not very crowded and it frees up your weekend a bit more. In any case, I went to take a nap at around 10pm, and it turned into me waking up at 5am so...lol. I guess between the mental drain and the physical drain I was just more wore out than I thought.

Some videos that helped me yesterday:
How to Overcome Fear And Anxiety in 30 Seconds
Overcoming Anxiety

@Pengu: Again, sorry that things didn't work out, but unfortunately sometimes as we get to know somebody we find out they're not as compatible or ready as we hoped for originally, and I think that's what happened here. I am sure you'll find the right guy eventually though, and you have a lot of other stuff going for you right now, so don't let this get the better of you.

Thanks Moot.

So today was an interesting development.  Daniel messaged me this afternoon saying that he had accidentally left his phone at work last night, which was why he never responded to my texts or calls.  After posting my previous lengthy message on here, I had sent him a semi-angry voicemail breaking up with him (I had also called twice, which he didn't pick up).  Admittedly, I was a little buzzed on top of that when I sent it, so I wasn't in the best state in general.

I asked him to delete and please not listen to the voicemail, not entirely telling him what it was...just that I was angry and upset, possibly a little intoxicated, having a rough day, and that his complete silence on top of everything (and not answering my calls) just sent me over the edge and made me send him an angry VM.  And then I asked if he could come over tonight, because I wanted to see him (I wanted to do the breakup properly and do it gently in person).

He agreed to delete it without even listening, though I do wonder if he actually didn't listen to it.  He turned down coming over because he said he was going to stay home all night and think about the things we talked about on Sunday.

I told him that I understood, and that he didn't necessarily have to stay over or be here for super long, just that I wanted to see him before he headed home and talk for a bit.  I admitted that I wasn't really justified in the things I told him on Sunday (because I really wasn't), and that I felt like I ended the conversation a bit unfairly...criticizing his placement of work and everything despite me basically doing the same with my potential dream career taking off.

I also told him that I had some things I wanted to tell him, at the very least some of them an apology since I felt like I was treating him pretty unfairly that whole time.  I added that he shouldn't take what I told him on Sunday to heart since I honestly thought he was fine the way he is (the working on the only day off thing still bothers me, but I didn't mention that).  I admitted that I was just frustrated, and in reality I was being a hypocrite in what I was saying to him (again, because I criticized him feeling like he had a future with his job but not with us...when my potential career would literally take me out of the US and basically destroy our relationship).

I told him that I didn't feel right talking about all this in text.  40 minutes later, I asked if I could call (mind you, he hadn't responded for at least an hour, his last response about staying home for the night and thinking over everything being at like 10:12, and my responses being at 10:16, 10:19, and then between 11PM, with my asking to call being at 11:40PM...he normally doesn't sleep until roughly 1-2AM or later), no response to this.

I call, no answer.  I call again, no answer.  Basically a repeat of yesterday, only this time I know he didn't leave his phone at work since his 10:12 message would have been right as he was closing up for the night.

So then I waited, apologizing for bothering him, and then sent him this text at 12:19AM (with ((double parenthesis)) being thoughts of mine that aren't actually in the text I sent):

I'll just come right out and say it, although I was really hoping to say it in person since it's not douchey (whereas this feels like it).  I don't think we should see each other anymore.  It's not fair to you that I keep having doubts and assumptions when you've done nothing wrong.  You've been nothing short of perfect, and anything I said against you or your habits/job was unfounded ((although as mentioned I still had gripes about his working-on-his-only-day-off thing)).  I had no reason to jump at you for wanting a future in your job and questioning ours when our whole relationship has been a question mark because of my eventual leave for China for my own career ((Because it's totally fair to judge someone's choice to pursue their career when your relationship will basically die anyways because of your own career choice)).  If anything, I'm amazed that you even stayed with me after hearing about that, and I'm both sorry for any pain that it caused as well as any pain that I caused you throughout our time together ((because let's be honest, he seemed like he was okay, but  with my cry-worrying about him wanting to be with me and my frustration with not wanting to spend time with me piled on top of thinking he was avoiding speaking with me because of the previous mentioned instance...I highly doubt he was actually alright and totally not having second thoughts himself about what he got himself into)).  You're a wonderful, amazing person...the literal definition of a perfect catch regardless of whether or not you feel broken in some way ((this one was more personal, I won't talk about it, but I always told him that he was never broken to me)).  You're beautiful, enchanting, and I valued the time we spent together, and I hope the next guy you meet can make you as happy as you made me.

Thank you for the wonderful time together, I'll always treasure it, and I'm very glad I got to know you.
 And if you still want to be friends, I'd be game for that, but I'll understand if that's not on the table...especially with how I chose to end things with text ((which yeah, I still feel a little bad about, but much less so than with the VM)).

But that's something he won't be able to miss, and it's much closer to what I really wanted to tell him.  I still wish I could have just told him in person, but he wasn't making it easy for me to do that.  Maybe part of him knew and he was avoiding it happening.  Whatever the case, it's done for reals this time, and I actually feel a bit better about it this time around since it's not in a heated moment, and I've had time to look at multiple facets of it. 

Does he have things to improve on?  Sure, we all do.  I do think that he needs to rethink how he looks at relationships a little, because as Moot pointed out very eloquently in one of our DMs, he does prioritize like a single guy...or like a guy who is just beginning the dating scene, rather than someone that is in what they consider a serious relationship.

But at the same time, most of the problem was me.  I was getting used to the pattern of seeing each other nightly, being sexual most of the days (with maybe 1-2 times a week with not because of work being tiring), and the sudden break in the pattern jarred me.  When that not-being sexual for consecutive days was immediately bundled with multiple consecutive days of not coming here after work, my insecurities went into overdrive into assuming the worst.  When work called him during our day off when we had plans, those insecurities came back and turned more into anger/frustration toward him until we had to sit down and talk about it.  When he suddenly went silent the next day after he'd dropped me off at work, those worries came back again because I thought he was avoiding me after the Sunday thing (which, given part of his response to me in why he didn't want to come over and talk today, I think that one was possibly semi warranted).

And again, that's not fair to him.  He didn't do anything specifically wrong to trigger any of those emotions, or warrant any of those talks/grill sessions about our relationship.  But looking back now, I think I just basically threw my heart out to him and fell for him so hard that the sudden change in pattern just really unnerved me.  Even if Sunday didn't happen the way it did, we would have never been at the same level because for some reason it's like I wanted to find reason to be upset with him after that.  He could innocently be out with his friend Ike all night, and I'll want to believe the worst about him for god knows what reason.   Deep down, maybe I just wanted to find some reason to break up with him, or maybe I just wanted him to break up with me.  Admittedly, I was really wanting him to get upset about the China thing, because I felt wrong that I basically stole him from someone potentially "better" in the sense that they'd be much more grounded here, rather than already trying to get one foot on the plane before it's even time to leave.

But it's all said and done now.  Unlike the voicemail which I'm hoping he didn't listen to (he said he wouldn't), the text is fresh and up there and unable not to be seen.  Whether or not we're at least friends after this will be on his end, but I'll understand if he doesn't want to be.  I'm just more relieved at this time now, since I was able to break up with him more in a way that I wanted on a more level-headed mindset...rather than the frustrated/slightly-intoxicated way in the voicemail.

Well, I'm sorry it came to this. I am glad you feel more relieved now. I don't what else to say then I'm sorry.

The last few weeks I've been experimenting with different ways of focusing on individual tasks and getting shit done, and yesterday I started a new idea of designating an hour to focus on some category of tasks/projects (home, work, and Wintreath). Between each hour I take 15 minutes to walk around, get some steps in, and mentally refresh. This worked well yesterday, but the proof is whether I can maintain it over the next few weeks...we'll see. I'm continuing to practice the stuff I learned Monday when it comes to dealing with anxiety, though I haven't had an anxiety attack since Monday.

Also watched the debates last night...very interesting, but three hours felt like a long time. Two hours probably would have been better.

@Pengu: Sorry that it came to this, again. For what it's worth, I don't think it was mostly you...things developed real fast when you guys met, and I think given what you've told me he probably needs to settle into a relationship slowly and adjust his lifestyle. It would probably be best if he was friends with the person he ends up with for awhile before he starts being involved with them on a deeper level...personally, that's my preferred way of doing it anyways. But I don't think it was you either...when things change and it feels like your boyfriend is putting others before you it can feel very jarring and hurtful. I hope you guys can remain friends, but for what it's worth I think it was for the best too.

And yes, I'm very eloquent, aren't I?

Today I start the Livestrong 30 Day Squat Challenge! It's basically a calendar with how many squats you do that day (with rest days) that goes from 50 on the first day to 250 in the last. I'm curious how well I do since I've done squats over the years, but never more than 50 in a day...ok, I'm really wondering how it makes my ass look.

Ack. That reminds me that I'm not doing the leg conditioning that I should be doing.

Ack. That reminds me that I'm not doing the leg conditioning that I should be doing.

Leg conditioning? Are you aiming for sexy legs?

Ack. That reminds me that I'm not doing the leg conditioning that I should be doing.

Leg conditioning? Are you aiming for sexy legs?

Heh. Well, that would be a nice side effect.

I'm in my college's wushu club (performance-based Chinese martial arts - no combat lol). The forms are pretty tricky to do since they're so aesthetic-oriented, and require a lot of flexibility and strength especially in the legs/butt, neither of which I've been working on this summer.