View Topic

Thanks for the kind words and support you all. It means a lot. Hell I even got Yuno to post which is nice

But honestly, the support is really nice because this was something that caused me a bit of anxiety about doing. I didn't worry as much about rejection or blowback...more so just actually just having to do it and the like. It can be a bit daunting...especially when you have been a part of this community for as long as I have...

So all of this talk lately has been having me do a lot of reflecting on myself as a person.  The life I've lived so far, the choices I've made, who I present myself as versus who I feel like I want to be on the outside.

While I'm nowhere near on the level as say Chanku in far as realizations go, I do feel like I've been neglecting a side of myself that has been wanting to come out for as long as I can remember.  Where there's the side of me that just sits and plays video games, is super laid back, and is ultra conservative both with his sex identity as well as his choice of style...there's another side of me that I've never really talked about with anyone because I tend to keep it pretty hidden, a lot of times even from myself because I'm usually afraid of what people will think...aside from getting into Drag anyways, but I tell people it's mainly because it's just a theatrical performance, and not because I just enjoy being able to dress up and be someone else outside of myself.

Now, when I say ultra conservative, I mean that even though my mannerisms might border between what's considered masculine and feminine, I basically mean that if you saw me in a crowd, I'd basically look like another one of the guys.  I dress masculine, my mannerisms are more masculine, yadda yadda.

But there's always that part of me that hates thinking that way.  I don't like thinking in terms of masculinity or femininity.  I like thinking that people are the way they are because that's who they are...not because they're one or the other on some sort of scale.  I don't like considering myself male or female, I just want to be me.  I want to wear the clothes that I like simply because they look nice, and because I think they look nice on me.  I want to do the things I enjoy simply because I enjoy them, not because someone of my "sex" is supposed to enjoy them.  I want to talk and act the way I want because that's how I am, not because it's something ingrained in my "gender/sex."

Whereas that side of me dominates my life right now, that's not the side of me that I want to be forever.  I want to be able to dye my hair, pop on some earrings, put on a leather coat and ride on a motorcycle in a pair of glitter rainbow boots.  I want to be able to get out there and explore the world, fall in love, drink until I get drunk with friends and enjoy some karaoke, or get big into the Drag scene and captivate the people around me just by being around them.  I want to turn heads when I walk by, and I want people to remember me when I leave a room.

I just want to be me.  I want to stop hiding that side of myself because I'm afraid of what people will think of me.  I want to get out of this cage that I've put myself in and show myself to the world, whether it be in a beautiful sequin evening gown with flowing long auburn locks, or in tight jeans with a leather jacket and sporting my styled blue and purple hair and chromatic earrings...or a combination of both.

I'm getting old, and I realize that deep down, I'm just done of feeling like I have to hide this part of me.

So I've set up an appointment for getting my hair dyed, and I took the plunge last week and got my ears pierced.  Right now they're just the super-basic studs that sit in there for a few weeks...but good lord.  It was something I was wanting to do for many years, but I've always been a wimp when it comes to both seeing sharp thin objects (aka needles) as well as just pain in general.

But I did it!  I'm actually really proud of myself for getting it done, and for me it's a personal milestone because, again, it's something I've been wanting to do for years.

I also bought myself a plethora of studs to switch out with when I'm able to, as well as both finger nail polish as well as what are called French Manicure nails (basically not as long as normal acrylic nails, but just enough to look nice) so I can start painting my nails...again something I've been wanting to do for a while simply because I think it looks nice.

I've also gotten myself back into the routine of working out, getting my body where I want it to be as well.  And no, it's not a way of losing weight, since that's not my issue that I have with my body.  If anything, I'm hoping to gain some actual muscle and become stronger.  Not necessarily like those pin up models like you see in pictures, although that would be nice in all honesty.  I just hate looking in the mirror and seeing myself as physically weak, because I feel like it's basically my emotional/mental self reflecting onto my physical self.  I see myself as mentally weak, so it reflects on how I see myself physically as well.  But I figure since I'm already working on improving one, I should improve on the other as well.

My next step is that, amusingly enough, I want a tattoo or two.  Some of my friends actually joked about this after I told them about my hair and piercings, and were surprisingly taken back when I told them I actually did want a tattoo.  I've got some designs in mind, one in particular that I want to find someone to draw out.

Basically, it's the Ravenclaw Raven in front of the Kingdom Hearts moon.  He'd be wearing Link's hat, but in blue, and he'd have Vyse's eyepatch from Skies of Arcadia as well as his top.  He'd be holding a talon out, and in its talon he'd be holding either the Ni-No-Kuni inspired keyblade that I drew, or Evan's Mornstar Sword from Ni No Kuni 2: Revenant Kingdom.  Underneath in a mix of fonts from the games and in perfect rainbow lettering would spell "Imagine"

I'd want it to be an upper arm tattoo on one side.

On the other arm, it'd Michael from the story that I've been working on, and he'd be on one knee with his hand out, a Blossomfly flying to his finger while a libbit would be play-biting one of his feet, and one of his companions standing behind with his hand on Michael's shoulder.  Behind them would be dead and lifeless trees and deadened grass on Michael's side, but beautiful silver Chrysanthium trees, green grass and Havana blossoms on the side with the Blossomfly.  Underneath that one in similar format would spell "Inspire"

Basically, I want two tattoos that in a way compliment each other.

The "Imagine" Tattoo are, to put it obviously, all things that helped fuel my imagination over the years.  The raven holds more of a prominent role because Harry Potter is actually what pushed me into wanting to be a writer.  I could never place what it was about the stories that made me want to write my own, but ever since I read even the first book, I found myself hooked in wanting to write something as wonderful. The raven's outfit also has more of a prominent role because Skies of Arcadia was my absolute favorite game from the moment I played it on the Dreamcast.  Everything about it was what I loved about the fantasy genre and more, and despite its completely dated look...it still holds a place in my heart.  Another game that's held that status, though maybe less prominently is Kingdom Hearts, which is why the moon is only partially shown and the keyblade not even being a Kingdom Hearts original.  Likewise, Ni No Kuni is another magical set of games (mainly the first), but despite my love for them, they're not as big a place in my heart in the others, even though they still hold a place.  Legend of Zelda is something I've been playing since as long as I can remember, and even though it's not a hugely prominent part of the tattoo, I thought the hat would serve as a wonderful finishing touch homage.

Likewise, the "Inspire" Tattoo is the continuing result of all this.  If anything, this tattoo actually has a dual meaning to me.  While on the surface it would use characters and elements from the story that I've held dear to me for many years, it's also both a thank you as well as a promise that I made myself to inspire those around me.  The only reason I ever wanted to get into writing in the first place was to inspire others' imaginations and put a smile on people's faces.

But that's the first meaning of the tattoo.

The second is actually basically what I see as a culmination of my life as well.  Despite my attempts to change him, Michael has always been the character that I keep putting my own self into.  I've made him lose a parent, I've given him different hobbies than myself, but I just can't stop seeing myself as him despite the fact that I have both of my parents and I personally am usually not into sports.  The dead on his side is how I've seen my life thus far.  I've made absolutely nothing with my life, and it's left me nothing but depressed, or "dead" inside.  Regardless of life nipping away at me to try to keep going (the little libbit), and despite my friends and family being supportive of me (the companion with the hand on his shoulder), it's been really rough at the very least internally.  But I'm ready to embrace my true self and fly away (the blossomfly), and I only see good things in the future by taking this route (the more vibrant landscape on the blossomfly's side).

But yeah, it took me many many years since I said I'd never get a tattoo until I could find the perfect one with real meaning...and here I am now with two that I want.

Now I just need to find someone to draw these.  <_<

Well, I'm really glad you like the new you, Pengu! It's nice to see that things are picking up for you :] I'm sure you're looking good.

I am feeling a lot better this week. For some reason, I feel grief very intensely, but moved past it much faster than most other people I know.

Well, I'm glad to hear you're feeling better, Laurentus. Do you wish to talk about it?

Thank you, North. I appreciate that you're willing to listen.

I will be back to the community soon.

I'm glad that you're feeling better, and I know we'll all be glad to have you back.

Mornin' all. How is everyone today?

Mornin' all. How is everyone today?

I'm doing great! You?

I'm doing decently! Just catching up on stuff in the region, and then it's off to work I go. Going to be a warm sunny day today...not very Wintreath-like, but I hope it'll be a good day.

I tried to do an April Fools Day prank today for the first time.  Unfortunately it failed.  I will still see if I can do the prank over the next few days but it won't be the April Fools one that I originally planned.

I was going to do it on my English class by pulling out an unmarked bag of Beanboozled Jelly Bellys and offering people Jelly Beans without warning them about the flavors.  That did not happen because I had planned to do while we were in groups talking about the books we are reading and the book group meeting did not happen.  It will happen next class and I will bring the beans again in the hope that I can prank some of the students with the beans.

Did anyone here try pulling a prank for April Fools Day this year?

April Fool's?
We have no time for that, citizen! Martial law is in effect! Swear loyalty to the Senate!

I bought the new Warcraft+Warcraft II bundle on GoG yesterday, and playing it last night was like coming home in a way. Warcraft II in many ways is what started me on the path of becoming a PC gamer...when I was a kid and my mom visited my aunt, I would watch my uncle and cousin play it, and then I got the chance to play it myself. I happened to already have a computer (believe it or not, computers at home weren't terribly common in the mid 90s), so I was able to buy and play it myself, and things kinda went from there.

I was surprised at how well it works on modern computers, too. The only thing that's disappointing is that setting up multiplayer looks to be a hassle. You can only use battle.net on classic mode, and the only other option would be for everyone playing to set up a virtual LAN through something like Hamachi (I remember doing this for multiplayer Starcraft back in the day ).

I have been grappling with an odd thing recently, and I think its finally got to me. I am pretty sure this year I am going to go vegan, not super hard or anything but definitely committed.

I have just been feeling a lot of guilt whenever I eat animal products for some time, at first I thought it was an external thing from people guilting me, but I feel it when I am just by myself.

See, I don't think eating meat or using animal products is inherently bad, in-fact I think it is a good and natural thing. I am not grossed out by the thought of the animal's death or the processes involved in obtaining the products from it. I have just got to the stage where I think the form that our industrial farming and slaughtering takes in this day and age is unethical.

I know quite a lot of smaller scale farmers, they raise the animal themselves, look after it, treat it like a pet and part of the family and then when they kill it, it is treated as a big thing, the animal deserves a lot of honour and the products obtained from it should be equally respected. But the modern meat industry doesn't do that, and the modern consumer (me included) often seems to lose sight of that. The products we get now are so separated from the animal and its death, the whole process is so sanitised to the outside that people think get freaked out by it, I think if you want to eat meat you should be able to, but you also have to be able to see the life that was ended to sustain yours in that product.

I lost sight of that for a while and that's why I want to do this, plus I don't see a way to effectively work on changing that on a wider social scale, without changing the way I consume these products myself.

I am going to mainly keep this to myself and those close to me, I don't want it to seem like I am doing this for other people, I am doing it for myself mostly, to remind me what's important to me. I just wanted to set it out and share it with you guys so it is more concrete.

I also know that my position on the whole matter is fairly unpopular, a vegan who doesn't mind farmers killing animals seems odd, but hey ho, that is honestly how I see it.

Let me know what you think?