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Invictus (A story from the world of Mithra)
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Fortis Scriptor
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  • Hello :wave: I'm Fortis and today I am going to show you a story from the world of Mithra, it is the short work which inspired the entire universe which I have built from the ground up.

    However since you have only been introduced to the faiths of this world I will provide you with a little bit of context so that you don't feel completely and utterly lost.  :)

    Mithra is a big place filled with many different cultures and nations but thus far the stories that take place in it are focused on the western continent of Galindia in one of its most powerful nations the Eclenian Empire. During the late 19th century by the gregorian calendar of our world, the 1880's to be specific, the nation was thrown into a bloody civil war between the Imperial Loyalists, and the Rebel faction known as the Merchant Republic. This story shows off one of the most important battles of the war from the perspective of the Loyalists.

    Now one last thing I'd like to mention is that this is the second draft of the story and as such some things are subject to change, now without further delay I present Invictus.  8)

    Invictus
    Spoiler


    PS please feel free to leave your thoughts I love feedback as it helps me improve my skills.
     
    2 people like this post: Gerrick, Crushita
    « Last Edit: April 10, 2017, 06:35:03 PM by Fortis_Scriptor »

    Fortis Scriptor
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    Gerrick
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  • That was quite a good read. Next time, though, I'd suggest breaking it up into smaller sections that you put in spoilers to make it a little more manageable. :)

    I got a little mixed up at points where there was a bunch of dialogue and all of the different names towards the end, but not too bad. At points, the commanders seemed much more informal in how they gave orders and interacted with others (like calling some by their first name and others by their last), but I chalked that up to the chaos of the situation and the possibility of that just being the dynamics of the company. And at times, I got kinda confused on what you're trying to say is happening, but, again, chaos -- and partly, I just didn't go back to reread and clear it up because I wanted see what would happen next.

    But the story was very well presented.
    Spoilers for those who haven't read it
    But anyway, the imagery that came into my head while I was reading this was very entertaining. So thank you. Interested in more.
    2 people like this post: Fortis Scriptor, Crushita

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    Gerrick
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    Fortis Scriptor
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  • Hey Gerrick :wave: I'm glad you enjoyed the read. I think that may be a good solution for future stories, though the only issue with putting things in separate spoilers is that it may break the flow a little too much when reading.

    Getting mixed up has been a problem for other people as well, I'll work towards fixing it

    When it comes to the informality you would be right that its somewhat due to the dynamic of the unit and was done to give you the feeling that these guys know each other and can be on a first name basis while still doing their job.

    In regards to the confusion of what I was trying to say please pm me with examples of where this occurred so I can keep it in mind when I get to the third draft.  ;)

    Thank you very much for giving the story a read, and giving me some feedback it really helps me out. :) 
    1 person likes this post: Crushita

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    Gattoartico
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  • Idk tbh
  • That be a grand ol' tale it be. I like how the battle scenes are so chaotic, it makes it feel more visceral, more real.

    I quite enjoyed it and I hope to see more out of this world!
    2 people like this post: Crushita, Fortis Scriptor
    End of Time

    I remember there in the dawn,
    When the suns rose and rose,
    That never could I know,
    A sight more grand than this.

    Now I sit here in the dusk,
    While the suns die and die,
    That never will I see a sight more sad,
    Or a sight more beautiful.
    Gattoartico
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    Elbbsas
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  • Sorry for the delay. I had assignments.

    In regards to the story
    In regards to the writing

    Overall? That was a nice story, with few technical faults. I could pick out more if I spent more time reading, but I've already spent a good hour typing and double-checking I've been bringing up valid advice. Nice work. Thank you for sharing it!
    3 people like this post: Gerrick, Crushita, Fortis Scriptor
    Elbbsas
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    Fortis Scriptor
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  • Sorry it took so bloody long to come and do this response, I was in a bit of an avoidance of Invictus since I've been trying to write the third draft (I've taken a break from trying for now though)

    But anyways thank you all for responding it was incredibly helpful especially from you Elbbsas, thank you for taking an hour out of your day to help me out it is much appreciated.  :D
    1 person likes this post: Elbbsas

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    Elbbsas
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  • Sorry it took so bloody long to come and do this response, I was in a bit of an avoidance of Invictus since I've been trying to write the third draft (I've taken a break from trying for now though)

    But anyways thank you all for responding it was incredibly helpful especially from you Elbbsas, thank you for taking an hour out of your day to help me out it is much appreciated.  :D
    Glad to see you're back. =D

    No problem! Doing these types of thing is fun for me.
    1 person likes this post: Fortis Scriptor
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