Tucker: Good evening and welcome to Socks...sorry,
Schlock News, I'm your host Tucker Talker. In our top news tonight, Glorious Bob has been killed. He was unfortunately our biggest sponsor at the time, so when he died our head of studio had to look for a different sponsor who decided to...take us in a somewhat different direction. On the plus side, this new sponsor is a bit less demanding on the rules, so...
Tucker takes a swig of whiskey while flipping off the camera.Tucker: But it also means that I'm the only current anchor as Ramona was last seen sneaking into the rival news network LNN and spraypainting what looked to be like phallic images on their walls. John and Jacob decided to run off to Old Italy to get married, and last we heard they were doing well in a nice villa with a vineyard, after John and Jacob both miraculously won the Billion Euro Lottery. So to the new happy rich couple, I'd just like to say: %$^& both of you.
Tucker flips off the camera again.Tucker: In other less interesting news, Could Cereal Killer be the actual Serial killer? Is it time to panic? And what does Ruguo's hidden message about "The Problem is Me" mean? Are they their own destructor or post restrictor?
Who knows? Who cares? Why don't you mind your own %$^&ing business?
Tucker lets out both a burp and a drunken hiccupTucker: And that's all the time we have. I've been Tucker Talker, and we'll have more news for you whenever I %$^&ing feel like it.