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What are some of your hidden fears regarding having children at some point?

Here is the conversation that started this topic.

Well it was obvious from the start I'm not exactly father of the year...or month, week, day, not even decade.

In real life though, I think I'd do a fine job if I had kids. :p

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I really don't know how I'd do with kids. I really want them, but caring for a life not my own is a prospect that terrifies me. What if I royally fuck it up?

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EDIT: It's actually something I've wanted to get off my chest for awhile, but would it really be considered a right and moral act to procreate, knowing my children would stand a very real chance of inheriting my Rheumatoid Arthritis and bipolar personality disorder? I am not a stable person, by any stretch of the imagination. Would it be right to subject them to it?

EDIT 2: I was actually in a relationship that ended recently, because of this very fear. My SO was ready to take the next step. I wasn't. I ended it for both our sakes, and I truly believe I did the right thing, but I still feel like shit about it. It doesn't help that I'm still madly in love with her. Disclaimer: I'm somewhat drunk.

EDIT 3: God, I hate that I have emotions.

As much as I'd want kids, I don't want them to inherit my Asperger.

Tough life out there for someone who just doesn't fit in and has no chance to no matter what he does. You run after the bus and can't quite catch it until you give up and either jump in a nearby ravine or accept your fate and walk around, but that's much easier said than done and at 27 I'm still working on it. I wouldn't wish that fate on my worst enemy, much less my own child.

Besides, it's kind of a moot point anyway as (for now) it takes two to tango and the odds of my meeting someone with whom I can share enough intimacy to produce offspring is slim. I wouldn't be happy with the demands imposed on me by a relationship and a woman wouldn't be happy with me either because I wouldn't be able to fulfill many of her needs.

I'm ambivalent on having kids at the moment. I think in the right situation it would be great to have kids, but that situation depends greatly on things I can't predict, mainly whether I have a partner in the future that I feel ready to have that kind of commitment with, and whether they're even interested in having kids. I know that I wouldn't have them without a partner...for me, it's just something I'd want to share with the right person, not something I'd want to take on alone.

What may be controversial is that ever since I've read about developing procedures that would allow two men to have an offspring that has both their genes (one example: by removing the genetic material from an egg and replacing with that of the second man), I've known that if I were to have a child with another man I'd want it to be in this manner. I think it's just appealing to me that our child be our child with our shared biology, not just one of ours with a surrogate mother. I've been told in the past this opinion is selfish and if I'm with another man I should just adopt cause there's plenty of kids that need adopting. Maybe it's a valid point, but the idea of creating life with my mate and having our essence continue into the next generation is really appealing to me, even if science has to help out to some extent.

And yet, it doesn't really take two to tango anymore. If someone wanted their own biological children badly enough, they could (with enough money) get a donor to provide the sperm/egg, and find a surrogate mother. Not that I'm completely comfortable with the idea, and your point about Aspergers is a good one.

On the adoption vs biological debate, I respect both viewpoints. Maybe it really is goddamned selfish not to consider adopting, but we have an actual human need to want to see our own genes carry on, and no amount of shaming is going to change that. Hell, from a rational perspective, I see my selfishness for what it is, but it doesn't change the way I feel about it.

On the adoption vs biological debate, I respect both viewpoints. Maybe it really is goddamned selfish not to consider adopting, but we have an actual human need to want to see our own genes carry on, and no amount of shaming is going to change that. Hell, from a rational perspective, I see my selfishness for what it is, but it doesn't change the way I feel about it.

I don't think it's any more selfish than an infertile couple that has a child through in vitro fertilization. We all want to pass on our genes...at its core, that's the main biological purpose to an individual life. Having a relationship with a another guy doesn't change that. For what it's worth, I wouldn't rule out adopting as well later on, but I think it'd be awesome for my mate and I to have one or two biological children if we both want that and are ready to commit to it.

And yet, it doesn't really take two to tango anymore. If someone wanted their own biological children badly enough, they could (with enough money) get a donor to provide the sperm/egg, and find a surrogate mother. Not that I'm completely comfortable with the idea, and your point about Aspergers is a good one.

Surrogacy contracts are null and void in Quebec. I'd have to go shop for a more permissive jurisdiction, and the closest ones are all in the US which would add considerably to the cost (regular travel, currency conversion, paying medical expenses out of pocket). I'd have to make bank for that to be a possibility.

On the adoption vs biological debate, I respect both viewpoints. Maybe it really is goddamned selfish not to consider adopting, but we have an actual human need to want to see our own genes carry on, and no amount of shaming is going to change that. Hell, from a rational perspective, I see my selfishness for what it is, but it doesn't change the way I feel about it.

The action of bringing forth life is inherently selfish. The child hasn't asked for anything; he or she is pulled in the world and doesn't have an opinion to give.

That being said, selfishness comes in degrees, and I think reproducing while being unable to care for the offspring is the most selfish action of all. In this precise instance, I don't think I have a responsibility to clean up another person's fuck-up. I too would want to see my genes furthered. Children aren't dogs, it doesn't matter if you adopt or buy a puppy from a breeder because the emotional link is going to be the exact same either way, so you're better off adopting a rescue, but you have a personal, instinctual stake in your biological children. I don't think the bond is exactly the same - obviously it's possible to love your adopted child, but I'd feel like something was missing, and I don't think I would handle a "you're not even my real dad!" episode well.

I'm conflicted about this specific topic. My paternal grandfather was a war orphan, and his brothers and sisters that were actually adopted ended up being much better off, while he stayed in the orphanage until he reached the legal working age, and then, with no real idea of how the world worked, set off to become a builder. He provided the best life he could for my father and aunts and uncle, but mistakes were made. No one on my dad's side of the family is particularly stable. I often wonder how different it might have been had he been adopted.

I'm conflicted about this specific topic. My paternal grandfather was a war orphan, and his brothers and sisters that were actually adopted ended up being much better off, while he stayed in the orphanage until he reached the legal working age, and then, with no real idea of how the world worked, set off to become a builder. He provided the best life he could for my father and aunts and uncle, but mistakes were made. No one on my dad's side of the family is particularly stable. I often wonder how different it might have been had he been adopted.

The kids that have lost their parents...there's no doubt they deserve better than what the adoption system can provide then or now. I don't actually know much about the system, but if we looked into how we can make it better and how to remove obstacles for good potential parents to adopt, whatever they are. Maybe an issue is that the issue is so obscure. Usually on any given topic I've read at least some news articles that give me knowledge to form opinions on, but here, not so much. The only adoption news I've ever read is about how Americans prefer to adopt from other countries than here, to the point where some countries have banned adoptions by Americans.

As a straight, white, middle-class, college-educated, married man with no (known) health issues, I'm quite excited to have a kid. At the age of 25, I'm by no means financially or mentally prepared yet, but I don't think I have any fears about it. And I think I'd enjoy raising a little being that's part me/part my wife (however narcissistic that is).

My wife, on the other hand, was born to two relatively poor, unstable, and young parents, so she definitely has some anxieties towards the subject. The two constantly cheated on each other and often neglected her. Her mother had serious stomach-related medical problems, so my wife had to take care of her and become the mother of the family when her little brother was born. Her mother then abused her prescription pills and developed schizophrenia (or some related mental issue), leading to a huge series of episodes that caused the family to fall apart several years ago (though all but the mother have since come back together). So needless to say, my wife doesn't want anything like that to happen to us or our kids. Growing up poor, too, I don't think she'll ever think we have enough money to where can support children. And on top of all of that, I think she's read too much regarding what getting pregnant and giving birth does to the female body.

We aren't planning on having a kid for at least 5 years, though, so maybe her thoughts will change by then. If not, I suppose that's fine, too. She says she's more open to adoption than giving birth, but as many of the comments in this thread have stated, I just think it's not the same adopting instead of having a biological child that's part of both of you. I applaud those who do adopt -- good on them for taking on something like that -- but I am just not one of them. So that's probably out of the equation for us. I guess we'll just see.

I love my kids so much. Even though they came into my life at a time when I was pretty unprepared (21), I don't really feel that they have done anything but enrich my life since I have had them.
I think kids get a really bad rap. They are absolutely lovely.

First thing I fear is that they'll be anything like their father.

Second thing I fear is that they'll be anything like me.

In my experiences with paid babysitting versus keeping the step-nieces/nephews from causing ludicrous chaos (...and absolutely failing and instead blatantly encouraging it), I have a pretty clear idea how I'd do in having a kid.

When it comes to just goofing around and having fun, I'd be decent. My sense of humour is a little wonky and I seem to be good at persuading kids against breaking rules instead of shouting. But when it comes to emergencies (AKA when an adulty adult's presence is actually needed) I don't seem very flexible. I freeze up and am very much bad at helping out. Who knows, I may get better at that, but I can't predict the future. So, I'd probably be a parent who does her best to communicate with her kid and then fail terribly at parenting them. Thing is, that combo is more likely to end with the kid pushing away and the like. Nobody likes the "kwel parent dat be young and totes hip with dem youths" trope. =D

On the whole, I think I'd be better at staying an aunt than a parent. Happier, too.

But when it comes to emergencies (AKA when an adulty adult's presence is actually needed) I don't seem very flexible. I freeze up and am very much bad at helping out. Who knows, I may get better at that, but I can't predict the future.

This is so much me.^

One fear of mine is that they'll end up with a condition like mine.
I hope that by the time I'm ready to have kids with whoever my future SO is, genetic engineering is a thing. I don't want my children to be autistic like me. It's done nothing for me but make me feel like I'm several years behind everyone else socially. All I can think about is how I bad I used to be, about how every time I look back on when I was younger I just cringe. Fuck that, I wouldn't want to put a child through that. I've heard some people say it would be unethical to remove a social or mental disorder from a fetus in the womb. I say those people are fuckin insane. Fuck this shit, I wish I was normal god dammit. I wouldn't put anyone else through this stupid bullshit just to make myself feel better.

I'd argue that if such technology becomes cheap enough, it would be unethical NOT to use it.