We’re paid by the month. Can anyone spare some change?
SUMMERSEND FESTIVAL DISASTER!A peaceful gathering turns into a nightmare
It was only moments before the end of Wintreath’s Summersend Festival. Citizens were enjoying themselves and getting drunk off of the seemingly endless supply of “Tiki Thunderbolt” provided by the festival’s Tiki Lounge. Then, in one drunken rage one of the citizens stood up on the table claiming to be the Tiki God of Thunder, and began throwing arrows and other pointed objects at people. In panic, these fearful patrons left the lounge, but that didn’t stop the deranged patron known as Mathyland from following in pursuit.
“People were screaming, and when I looked I saw some crazy guy with weird makeup and a badly made loincloth (you could totally see his...you know) chasing everyone.” said citizen Taulover. “We were just having an innocent water balloon fight, and he comes charging through and threatening everyone with with arrows to the face if we all didn’t leave the festival.” recalls citizen Elbbas. “Naturally, my friend Doc and I didn’t fall for it and continued our fight. I think poor Doc is still in critical condition now.”
With the appearance of this deranged psychopath, the festival itself was a ghost town for some time until the police finally arrived. “Yeah, this guy was wanted over in the next county for yelling at people that it was Sparta, and then kicking them to the ground.” says Officer Colby. “We’re just lucky we got here before he had actually killed anyone.”
You might be wondering...just what was the monarch doing in the heat of all of this chaos? “Oh Wintermoot? Yeah, our king was too busy having his sexy fun times with our Jarl of Culture.” recounts citizen Red Mones. “I watched as he spiked our Jarl’s drink, and then through a series of hijinks got him to go to his “private quarters” where I can only imagine what they were doing. But even while everyone was running in terror and screaming, you could only hear the sounds of laughter, things that can’t be talked about in polite company, and I swear I even heard a cow at one point.”
And that, folks, is the disaster that struck our humble Summersend Festival near its closing night. Thankfully the psychopath Mathyland was caught by police and taken into custody. The festival was able to resume without a hitch, and there’s still no word from our Monarch or our Jarl of Culture Gerrick, who still seem to be locked in that room together.
ANIMALS THAT ARE FUZZY
And are somehow quite lovely
In my line of work, I don’t normally get involved with any of the simple creatures of the world. But it cannot be denied that there are some that are...well, simply divine. Here are only a few of the creatures that I find myself fond of from time to time...ones I simply cannot avert my eyes away from their unusually fuzzy and adorable nature.
I cannot fathom why I find this creature to be lovely. It hangs on trees, and does nothing productive in its days. Yet there is something mysteriously adorable about this simple creature right down to its curiously “aww” worthy eyes that makes me remember that I do have some form of a heart.
In that same capacity lies this creature. Amusingly it is called a Red Panda, yet looks nothing like the previous creature. In fact, it bears more resemblance to a fox, or a certain orange marsupial. Yet for some reason I have more of an urge to want to pick it up, give it a hug, name it Jim, and take it home with me than a desire to send it off this mortal coil.
Another strange curiosity...yet somehow I find myself wanting to adopt these fuzzy doggies rather than teaching them how to permanently play dead.
Although I’m not a fan of a certain Tiny Tiger, I do find the normal tiger to be an adorable specimen. Perhaps in a world domination endeavor, I’ll find some baby tigers like these and raise them properly.
And those were the fuzzy animals that I for some strange reason find to be quite lovely.
PICTURE OF THE MONTH
QUOTE OF THE MONTH
INTERVIEW WITH A STRANGER
Tiny: Tiny now in...in...in..ter...view puny human about Fes...ti...val. Thank you puny human for coming!
Crushita: How dare you, I am the Potato Pope, and I will not stand for some heretic tiger grabbing me off of the streets like this!
Tiny: Silence! You will answer Tiny questions!
Crushita: I will do no such thing, GUARDS! Guards?! Gah, useless good for nothings.
Tiny: Guards no match for Tiny. Now puny potato man, tell Tiny about favorite part of festival, or Tiny wish crush you!
Crushita: How barbaric! Fine you uncultured feline, I’ll do as you ask for now, but I hope you burn at the stake! Anyways, my favorite part of the festival would have to be the water balloon fight. Even though my incompetent team members lost.
Tiny: Ha. Ha. Tiny love throwing water balloons!
Crushita: Watch it, you almost got me wet you buffoon!
Tiny: Tiny no baboon, he tiger! Potato man know nothing!
Crushita: I said buffoon...it’s an expression you monkey.
Tiny: Ha. Ha. Potato man keep thinking Tiny a Monkey, he must be stupid!
Crushita: Right. Whatever you say.
Tiny: What Potato man’s least favorite part of festival?
Crushita: That god awful exorcism--
Tiny: Whaaat? Potato man no love exercise? But exercising good for you, look at Tiny muscles!
Crushita: No no that’s not what….oh nevermind, I don’t know why I’m trying to explain it you. On the plus side though, that whole bumbling affair turned out to be a surprise party. Although I’m suffering from broken legs thanks to my tumble, I at least got a gorgeous new staff out of the deal.
Tiny: What is staff?
Crushita: It’s...well...It’s like a big tall stick made of metal that you can hit people with.
Tiny: Oooh, that sound fun, Tiny like.
Crushita: Yes, it’s very fun. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have more important things to do...like finding a certain penguin and introducing him to my new staff for putting me through that exorcism ordeal!
Tiny: Heh. Tiny like crushing penguins. Well, that all for today.
KRISPY KREME PRESENTS SABAN'S POWER RANGERS (SPOILERS INSIDE!)Sponsored by Krispy Kreme. Have you gotten your Krispy Kreme yet?
To quote Zordon: You are not Krispy Kreme Rangers. So some time ago, this movie appeared on Playstation’s 99 cent rental special. After having it play constantly at work, I decided to give this movie an actual try to see how it was. Admittedly, the end result wasn’t something tragically horrible like some reboots have proven...but it was far from great as well. But let’s get into what I feel like the movie did well, and didn’t do well.
First off, the jokes were horrendous. To give you an idea of the direction the movie decided to go in this department, I’d like to introduce the movie’s first joke: a masturbation joke. To go more in depth, it involves the lead protagonist Jason (played by Dacre Montgomery) and his friend breaking into school and tying a cow to the bench in the boy’s locker room. Jason notes that the cow seems unhappy, and his friend counters that it shouldn’t be since he just milked her. Jason notes that it’s a boy cow and asked if it was one udder, and the friend proceeds to go on talking about how it was weird because it was really big and that he had to use two hands. After cutting him off right there and getting him to leave (due to approaching sirens), the friend then flashes his light on the cow’s penis with a disappointed look on his face (the movie’s way of saying “just in case you didn’t get that this was a masturbation joke…!). Another one is introduced later on when Zordon asks if anyone has ever morphed before, to which Zach replies “Yes, but only in the shower,” to which everyone but Billy laughs.
Another big one was the product placement. It seems like every movie has some form of it in sense of a character holding a pepsi can so that we can see the brand, or wearing Nike shoes. This movie...has Krispy Kreme donuts. And I don’t just mean that the characters eat a donut and show off the logo (though they do pop into one at some point)...oh no. The goal of Rita Repulsa (played beautifully by Elizabeth Banks) is to steal the Earth’s Zeo Crystal so that she can control all life. That crystal...just happens to be buried underneath the Krispy Kreme establishment in Angel Falls. Cue hearing the name every 10 seconds in the second half of the movie. “Krispy Kreme….this is a special place? It must be, for the source of all life is buried there.” Among other lines. And it doesn’t stop there...oh no. If that wasn’t product placement enough, Rita actually walks into the building, grabs a donut, and slowly eats it. No reasoning whatsoever, she just does. As another reviewer once said...this might as well be “Krispy Kreme’s Saban’s Power Rangers, sponsored by Krispy Kreme” with all of the screen time they were given.
Thirdly, the dialogue was just awful. One of my favorite critics known as the Nostalgia Critic pretty much hit the nail on the head that a lot of it just sounded...off. One particular instance for me was right after the kids decide for the first time that they don’t want to be part of any of what’s happening. Jason stays behind to learn that he’s the leader, and then he leaves to catch up with the team. He asks Trini’s name, suggests they had a class together (she corrects him), then mentions that everything going on is a really weird coincidence. Billy then interjects asking if they’re like superheroes, and then out of nowhere Trini says “Why are you talking to us like you’re the boss now?” I actually had to go back a few times in the scene to be sure, but at least from what I heard, Jason hadn’t said anything specifically incriminating the fact that he was the leader. So why was that line even there in the first place? Oh, right, because Jason is supposed to be the leader, and the writers want the audience to know that the other members are understanding that...got it. There’s also really lame catch phrases that happen at the beginning, and make their way in the end. One particular one was Billy, sounding tough (as most teenagers do) and exaggerating to his friends about how he took down a bully (when in reality it was a complete accident). He says the phrase “If you’re going to come at me, come at me bro!” Which then resurfaces at the end in the final fight.
Finally, the character development was...off. Kimberly in particular bugged me, especially because they gave her a sub-plot which actually hurt her character a bit. To put it simply, her best friend sent her a nude photo of herself (why, it’s never explained), and she...being a scorned ex, sent it to her ex boyfriend pretty much with a caption of “Is this what you’re wanting?” Naturally, she gets in trouble and lands in detention, and as we learn early in the movie her best friend and other friends deservedly disown her and cut her out of the group. Kimberly makes it seem like throughout the whole movie that she regrets her actions, and even insists that the reason the team can’t function properly is because of her guilt over her actions. Jason tells her to deal with it and move on (after you know, she shows him the picture), and then their moment is interrupted by plot. Later in the movie, they’re fighting Rita’s minions, and one of them falls on her former friends’ car, in which they scream. Kimberly lets out a mischievous smile and says “That’s what you get.” and the fight continues. Whoa whoa whoa...back up there. “That’s what you get?” As in “That’s what you get for disowning me because I took your trust, took a crap on it, showed your nude picture to my ex in revenge, got us both in trouble in school to where the faculty showed your parents the photo, and you were probably punished because of my desire to be a jerk?” Really movie? REALLY? If you’re going to take a character and have them go on this journey to be a better person because of something bad that they did...let me tell you, that particular moment is NOT the way to go. That right there just took any moments Kimberly had about that whole situation and threw it out the window, because clearly she doesn’t actually feel bad at all.
But it wasn’t just Kimberly. Them making Zach this whole “Haha look at me, I’m crazy!” type of personality, and Trini this really angsty out-there “look at me, I’m different because I don’t want to fit in.” personality just didn’t seem right. And no...there was no particular moment that I thought Trini was a lesbian, or bi...even though the movie makers are really suggesting that they made her such. Sure, there’s this:
“Trini: my parents don't have to worry about my relationships.
Zack: Boyfriend troubles?
Trini: Yeah. Boyfriend troubles.
Zack: Girlfriend troubles.?
Trini: My family is so normal. Too normal. They believe in labels. They would like for me to… dress differently. talk more. Have the kinds of friends they want me to have. I don't know how to tell them what's really going on with me.”
I don’t know, maybe I’m just oblivious...but that read out as more assumption from one member, and then her going on about labels and the like in particular that outright saying “Yeah, I’m attracted to women.” Maybe they’ll explore it in the next movie, but for a moment that was about revealing secrets...it wasn’t the greatest moment in the movie (oh, and Billy likes Country music).
Now that I’ve pretty much torn the movie apart with the bad, let’s talk about the good. First off, the look of the movie was fantastic. All of the special effects were really well done from the costumes, to Zordon, to the Zords, and even the Megazord. The bad guys looked pretty neat, Goldar looked exceptional despite being a departure from the corny Goldar from the old show...and overall I was really impressed with all of the visuals brought forth in the movie.
That being said...however, one thing bugged me. I understand when different shows and different movies use similar locations and sets...but good god almighty can you at least change it so that it doesn’t look like they’re doing a crossover? It’s usually never so blatantly obvious the same set or place, but lately it’s been a problem. I remember watching season 3 of Once Upon a Time when the wicked Witch was introduced. We got an idea of where she lived in Storybrooke: a charming little farmhouse in the middle of nowhere. Cut to a different show, Supernatural when the boys ride off in an episode later down the line to find Cain...and his home is the exact same farmhouse that was used in Once Upon a Time.
Where does this come in for Power Rangers? I’m glad you asked. In an early part of the meeting, Zordon shows the Rangers what the future would be like if Rita were to succeed in her plans. In the beginning of the sequence, Jason is in his house, as he stands up and walks out the front door, only to be right in the town center. If one knows their shows, this is the exact same setting (literally looks the same minus the signs saying “Angel Grove” on the shops) as Once Upon a Time’s Storybrooke, Maine. No, I’m not even joking. The town center was identical down to a T minus the shop names. Sure, I get that if they’re using real life locations, this may happen. But good god, at least spice it up so people aren’t being disconnected from the moment because they think they stepped into another universe. I honestly was waiting for the Evil Queen/Regina to pop out and say “Welcome to Storybrooke” at any moment.
Aside from that, as I said, everything at least did look good. And hey, I’ll even say that the main story wasn’t bad. It was a story about the Power Rangers’ rise to becoming such while dealing both with personal life as well as an impending evil, and outside of the above mentioned issues I thought it did fairly decent.
Hell, the soundtrack was even pretty decent, even if they rehashed the original intro at one point (and didn’t even play it all the way through). So sure, the movie had some good things going on about it. But would I ever actually buy it for my collection? No. Part of me thinks even that $1.08 after tax might have been a bit too much to spend. Even that 5 second cameo of the original Tommy and Kimberly taking a picture didn’t really make the movie worth it to see.
