View Topic

I have the need for funny things. People say funny things. Share the funny things you hear people say, because funny things are funny. The word funny no longer looks like a word. Whoops.

Student: If we get rid of the stigma around sex, we can have casual sex and breed like rabbits!!
Lecturer: (Long pause.) We have contraception.
Student: Well... yeah, we do....

Lecturer: Why would the servants be on the upper floors? Why would the upper class live on ground floors?
Student: Earthquakes.

Lecturer: 'Buy this beer, it'll make you feel like a polar bear.'

Lecturer: How many of you have read <assigned reading>?
Nobody moves.
Lecturer: It's *that* time of year.

I remember there were some George Patton quotes that were pretty good.

"The object of war is not to die for your country, but to make the other bastard die for his."

"May God have mercy upon my enemies, because I won’t."

I remember there were some George Patton quotes that were pretty good.

"The object of war is not to die for your country, but to make the other bastard die for his."

"May God have mercy upon my enemies, because I won’t."

Okay, so is this for quotes we've personally heard, or famous quotes we've heard?

Winston Churchill: "My most brilliant achievement was my ability to be able to persuade my wife to marry me."

Oscar Wilde: "The only good thing to do with good advice is pass it on; it is never of any use to oneself."

Joss Whedon: "Remember to always be yourself. Unless you suck."

Bill Gates, 2004: "Two years from now, spam will be solved."

Okay, so is this for quotes we've personally heard, or famous quotes we've heard?

Eh, I figured grabbing famous quotes would be too easy. You can literally just Google "funny quotes" and then you can get a massive list without going to any effort. On the other hand, hearing funny quotes "in the wild" so to speak is tricky -- especially since a lot of the time, you can't pause a conversation to write things down (which is why mine are mostly from lectures).

But hey! Funny is funny. If it's a funny quote, go for it! Just know that I will be silently jud-- I mean what, no, all funny things are totally equally funny. Totally. Yup. 

About an advertisement.
Student: Does she not have a belly button?
Long pause as everyone double takes.
Lecturer: They Photoshop everything these days.

Lecture theatre's phone goes off, startling pretty much everyone.
Lecturer: Oh! I've never had a phone call in a lecture before. This is exciting, cross that off the bucket list.
Answers the phone.
Listens for a bit.
Hangs up.
Lecturer: Wrong number.

Me: I killed a man once.

A friend: how?

Me: with a grape and his own mustache.

Here's another one:

My sister: Who needs sleep when you have all these teapots?

Another one(insert DJ Khaled):
*one long and deep(lol) discussion on being gay and interacting with those who are*
Me: Mike "If you like the cock you get the glock" Pence. Mike "If you like another mans dinger you get the zinger" Pence.

Friend: Stop with the Mike Pence memes, you're literally bi why do like them so much?

Me: because I am a meme god. I am become a meme.


Sent from my iPod touch using Tapatalk

So, little bit of context. Firstly, we were having lunch in an organic cafe. (Not a normal occurance for us). Secondly, everyone but me in this conversation are sciency science pants so I didn't manage to contribute much.

Friend 1: Hey, do you know if this is salt?

picture this, but without the spoons and barely any salt in it, and the bowl was one of those reddish clay ones

Friend 2: I don't know.
Friend 1: It could be salt, or it could be ant poison.
Me: So trying it out is...?
Friend 1: Probably not the best idea.
We go around for a bit, then end up asking someone down the table if it was salt. It was.
Friend 3: Yes, it's organic salt.
Friend 1: ...As opposed to... inorganic salt?
Friend 2: Yes, it's salt that was grown organically.
Friend 3: It was raised in open pastures, it was free range.
Friend 1: There were no added preservatives or chemicals. It is 100% healthier than regular salt.

This went on for longer, but I can't recall the rest. It ended with us hoping the cafe didn’t toss us out.

This is definitely a spam topic with a lot of potential so how about I wake it up by quoting Steven Wright.

Some people are afraid of heights, not me I'm afraid of widths.
I have been getting into astronomy lately so I installed a skylight in The roof.  My neighbors in the apartment above mine are furious.
I had a dog that I named Stay, he wasn't very good at following directions.  I would tell him Come Stay Come Stay.