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What happens when you eat aluminum foil?

You sheet metal

Daughter: Dad there’s a moth on the outside of the bathroom door. Can you get rid of it?

Daughter: Please hurry because I’m going to cry.

Daughter: Dad…

Daughter: Dad…

Dad: Dad is dead. You’re next. Love, Moth. X

Student: Can I borrow a pencil?

Teacher: I don't know, can you borrow a pencil?

Student: Aha, but I clearly meant to ask for permission. Since you and the rest of the class understood my intent perfectly well, and the word "may" to show permission is rapidly falling out of fashion, there is nothing wrong with asking you whether I can borrow a pencil.

Teacher: Possibly so, in colloquial speech. Discerning context can help us decipher the nuance of each sentence on a case-by-case basis. However, as your teacher, my task is to teach you the intricacies and nuances of the English language with rigor, so that you may have a greater mastery of the language in order to effectively and precisely control what you want to communicate. In this case, the difference between the words "can" and "may".

Student: Point taken. May I borrow a pencil?

Teacher: No, you may not. The state cut funding for education again.

2020

What program do Jedi use to open PDF files?



Adobe Wan Kenobi

How do you make a water bed more bouncy?

Add spring water.

Trump

What is it called when a farmer decodes a message?

De-scythe-er.

What did the daughter corn say to the mother corn?


Where's Pop-corn?


Get it because pop means dad and popcorn is a thing.

Three Nazi's walk into a BAR.

Suddenly, they're all dead.

For those that didn't get daw's joke: BAR =
browning assault rifle

What is it called when a metalhead removes wrinkles from their clothes?

Ironing maiden.

A joke is like a frog; it dies when you have to dissect it.

Here are two things that very much fit the title of this section even if they are not necessarily jokes.

When you have Alzheimer's you meet someone new every day.

Oh hey that's the graveyard, you know people are dying to go there.

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.

The first mathematician orders a beer.

The second orders half a beer.

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies.

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2.

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender remarks. "That's ridiculous."

"Oh c'mon" says mathematician #1 "do you know how hard it is to collect an infinite number of us? Just play along".

"There are very strict laws on how I can serve drinks. I couldn't serve you half a beer even if I wanted to."

"But that's not a problem" mathematician #3 chimes in "at the end of the joke you serve us a whole number of beers. You see, when you take the sum of a continuously halving function-"

"I know how limits work" interjects the bartender.

"Oh, alright then. I didn't want to assume a bartender would be familiar with such advanced mathematics".

"Are you kidding me?" The bartender replies, "you learn limits in like, 9th grade! What kind of mathematician thinks limits are advanced mathematics?"

"HE'S ON TO US" mathematician #1 screeches

Simultaneously, every mathematician opens their mouth and out pours a cloud of multicolored mosquitoes. Each mathematician is bellowing insects of a different shade.

The mosquitoes form into a singular, polychromatic swarm. "FOOLS" it booms in unison, "I WILL INFECT EVERY BEING ON THIS PATHETIC PLANET WITH MALARIA"

The bartender stands fearless against the technicolor hoard. "But wait" he inturrupts, thinking fast, "if you do that, politicians will use the catastrophe as an excuse to implement free healthcare. Think of how much that will hurt the taxpayers!"

The mosquitoes fall silent for a brief moment. "My God, you're right. We didn't think about the economy! Very well, we will not attack this dimension. FOR THE TAXPAYERS!" and with that, they vanish.

A nearby barfly stumbles over to the bartender. "How did you know that that would work?"

"It's simple really" the bartender says. "I saw that the vectors formed a gradient, and therefore must be conservative."


(source: "Mathematical Mathematics Memes" group on Facebook)