Fuck you, Paradox.
And fuck you too, Johan.
Lately your releases haven't been on point, and that's an enormous understatement.
I was excited for Stellaris since it was called Project Augustus. I followed it during its development, read all the diaries, took note of all the promises, and I truly thought it was going to be Paradox' best game yet. I watched the streams, and while most of them were...bad, this was hot code right? Game's not done yet.
What I got on release was not unplayable, but not very good either. It was shallow (much more so than the diaries had indicated, which made me re-read then and realize some features were cut out of massively underdeveloped with nary a peep from the devs) and unbalanced. Ship designer? Doesn't matter. Ethos? There was a single right choice for someone who doesn't like playing gimped shit and all other play styles could go to Hell.
Slaves couldn't revolt. SLAVES COULDN'T REVOLT. WELL WHAT'S THE POINT OF HAVING "FREE" POPS THEN? YOU KNOW AT LEAST IN THE WESTERN WORLD THEY GIVE US THE COURTESY OF A REACH-AROUND IN THE FORM OF "DEMOCRACY" BEFORE BENDING US OVER AND DESTROYING OUR COLLECTIVE ANUS, BECAUSE THAT WAY WE GET OFF TOO SO WE DON'T
REVOLT. WE THINK IT'S FAIR THAT WE GET OFF AND THEY GET OFF EXCEPT WE FORGET THAT WE'RE NEVER THE ONES DOING THE FUCKING. AND THESE DAYS THE REACH-AROUND SEEMS TO BE WOEFULLY LACKING AND LOOK WHAT'S HAPPENING.
I gotta give props where props are due, the exploration phase is kind of good, the problem is that there are nowhere near enough events to support a system like that. How is a phenomenon "anomalous" if I get it three times in a row on three different planets?
But the rest...ugh. Atrocious mid-game, late game bugged to all Hell (and shallow, there are 3 late-game crises, THREE, and they all boil down to "these guys with super-powered tech spawn and beat everyone down"), stupid combat. Ship designer? Who the fuck needs a ship designer when all you're doing is spamming corvettes with tachyon lances anyway? Diplomacy? Who the fuck needs diplomacy when all you're doing is TAKING LAND FROM OTHER UNWORTHY LIFEFORMS? Playing a pacifist race? WHO CARES, YOU NEED LAND NOT TO LOSE THE GAME AND YOU NEED TO WAGE WAR TO GAIN LAND, SO YEEEEEAAAAAHHH. I don't know why I expected Paradox
not to make a map painting simulator. And the AI. The fucking AI. It's not fun to play a map-painting simulator if you can do it while jerking off to traps on the second screen.
But you know, at least they patched it. Or tried to? I played the game after the patches. Some of it was better. Some of it was worse. They might have rebalanced the ethos but it's still unbalanced as fuck, it's just different ones that are good now. Diplomacy might have changed but it still makes no sense. Now I need these asswipe xenos to BORDER ME IF I WANT TO INTERACT WITH THEM FOR ANY REASON OTHER THAN "I WANT YOUR PLANETS, HAVE AT YOU!" IS DIPLOMACY FUCKING EXCLUDED FROM FTL SPACEFLIGHT OR SOMETHING? WHY CAN'T I JUST CALL THE FUCKING PLANHGAN PRESIDENT ON MY SPACE CELL PHONE AND TELL HIM "HEY BUBBA DO YOU WANNA BE SPACE FRIENDS?" NO YOU'RE "TOO FAR AWAY" SO THE
GAME DECIDES THAT THESE PLANHGAN DUDES ARE NOT RELEVANT TO YOUR AIMS. LIKE WHAT THE FUCK WHY IS A PILE OF FUCKING CODE THAT IS NOT VERY GOOD AT PLAYING ITSELF TELLING ME, AN ORGANIC COMPUTER WHO CAN DECIDE ON THE FLY WITHOUT PRIOR FUCKING ORDERS, CAPABLE OF CREATIVITY AND ABSTRACT THINKING, THAT I AM A HUMONGOUS RETARD FOR WANTING TO BE FRIENDS WITH THESE DUDES JUST BECAUSE THEY DON'T BORDER ME? LOOK! I'VE BEEN CONQUERING MY WAY EAST FOR 200 GAME YEARS AND I WANT AN ALLY AGAINST THIS HUGE BLOB I'M GOING TO COME INTO CONTACT WITH SOON!
But this isn't really the release I wanna talk about.
I want to talk about Hearts of Iron IV.
Now THAT game...
Here's what I think happened. Whoever designed that fucking game just sat around one morning, drinking his coffee, thinking of ways to ruin the company for which he works because Johan told him he had a small penis and wouldn't be sleeping with him anymore because he is a size queen. He found several and wrote them on a napkin to take it to work.
- Make AI ULTRA RETARDED, so dumb that Stellaris' is basically a fucking God of reason. Make it do shit like LEAVE THE MAGINOT LINE 100% OPEN AS FRANCE or AS GERMANY, DECLARE WAR ON EVERYONE FOR NO REASON AND SEND 120 DIVISIONS THROUGH THE STRAITS OF DENMARK TO GET TO THE SOVIET UNION THROUGH SWEDEN AND FINLAND AND GET BOGGED DOWN IN ALL THE FUCKING WATER CROSSING PENALTIES AND ANNOYING "NEUTRAL" SCANDINAVIANS WHILE THE SOVIETS JUST ROLL AROUND THE FUCKING EAST WITH 200 DIVS AND NO OPPOSITION
- Scrap fundamental systems like espionage and POLITICS (FUCKING POLITICS! IN A WW2 GAME!), wholly replacing the latter with a SINGLE BUTTON that the AI never fucking counters that allows you to make any country switch to your ideology over time, meaning you convert more people than fucking Mormons
- To allow everyone to have fun, make minor nations just as strong as major nations, without any of the land, or tech, or army, or anything. But you can go from remote subsistence farming community to masters of the known world in 10 years, because as usual, LAND BEGETS LAND. The more you conquer, the more you snowball
- Get rid of FUCKING MONEY. Now if you want raw goods you have to trade factory production for it (presumably finished goods). Problem? THE VALUE OF THE GOODS IS FUCKING STATIC
- BUGS. BUGS EVERYWHERE. You wanna play Axis Poland? WELL TOUGH BECAUSE GERMANY IS GONNA PICK MOLOTOV-RIBBENTROP EVEN THOUGH THEY'RE ALLIED WITH YOU, SCREWING YOU OF TERRITORY
- Peace conferences are fucking awful, mostly due to the shit AI. Countries will grab whatever they want no matter where it is, leading to many exclaves everywhere in the world which is stupid and ugly
But you know, I could still forgive all of this.
BUT THEN THEY LEFT ON HOLIDAY FOR A WHOLE FUCKING MONTH SO WE'RE ALL STUCK WITH THIS BROKEN PIECE OF SHIT THAT HAS RECEIVED ONLY ONE MAJOR PATCH THAT BARELY FIXED ANYTHING
AND NOW IT'S AUGUST AND YOU KNOW WHO'S FUCKING KEEPING PEOPLE UPDATED?
THE CK2 TEAM
NOW THAT'S A GOOD GAME AND A LABOUR OF LOVE, EVEN THOUGH I DISAGREED AND DISAGREE WITH MANY DESIGN DECISIONS AND HATE SOME MORE OF THEM
THIS GAME IS 4 YEARS OLD AND THE TEAM IS STILL ALL BEING KAWAII UGUU :3 WITH US
BUT THE HOIIV TEAM?
NOT A WORD. THE GAME IS BROKEN AND THERE STILL AREN'T ANY NEWS ON PATCHES OR FIXES OR THE OLD PARADOX FAVOURITE, DLC
Speaking of DLC, Stellaris now has Plantoids for the low, low price of $8.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
WHY IS THAT MORE OR AS EXPENSIVE THAN THE CONTENT PACKS WITH UNITS, PORTRAITS, MUSIC AND SHIT?
WE GET FUCKING STATIC IMAGES OF CITIES, SHIPS AND STATIONS NOBODY CAN SEE BECAUSE THE BATTLES ARE CLUSTERFUCKS AND WEIRDLY ANIMATED PSEUDO-3D TREEHEADS THAT MOSTLY STRANGELY LOOK LIKE FUNGOIDS FOR THE PRICE OF A BUNCH OF FULLY ANIMATED 3D UNITS AND EPIC FUCKING MUSIC
Look. I'm done. I've been a fan since EU3. I made it through the broken games that needed 4 expansions to be playable, but I can't make it through this. It's the same shit except now they need 4 DLC and patches to be playable, and I don't get nearly enough for my money. The games are stripped down and casualized, and I do mean casualized, not streamlined. They really are dumbed down, and in some cases they are actually fundamentally broken (like HoIIV, in my opinion). And when people complain, the head asshole Johan just chuckles and tells them they know where the door is because he's already got their money and doesn't care anymore.
We're not their intended audience anymore. It might as well be teenage girls playing Candy Crush and Farmville. It actually doesn't matter who it is, all I know is that I am not it, so from now on I'll be taking my worthless Canadian dollars elsewhere.
Thanks for breaking a dream, you Swedish buttwipes.
