BALTIMORE, MARYLAND - The past year has seen the rise of social movements that have made everyone utterly consternated with the state of race relations and police conduct since the riots in Ferguson, Missouri, in Thanksgiving 2014. First, we had #BlackLivesMatter, which was well intentioned but sometimes inept, then we had #AllLivesMatter, which was well intentioned but missed the fucking point entirely. After these two, there have been a string of movements that keyboard warriors have attached themselves to, including #StopShootingPeople, #StopBeingRacist, #YouAllSuck, #FuckYou, and #ARGH, and now a new movement has coalesced from those who are frustrated with the state of police brutality and race relations.
That movement is #NoLivesMatter.
This movement organized among the social activists within the poor neighborhoods of Baltimore and from there grew to encompass a wide spectrum of people, all sick and tired of everything. When asked about the goals of the movement, one speaker said the following at their rally:
"Our goal is to facilitate the distribution of appalling violence and brutality to all Americans equally."
Such a sentiment pervaded the words of the speakers. Our reporter, who is an underpaid intern in a dying field, asked a member of the crowd, who said the following:
"I'm disillusioned with what people are telling us. They said the police were good people, but then they went and started shooting innocent people, disproportionately black. Then they told us civil rights protestors were good people, but then they were too confrontational and provocative, so nobody was endeared to them. We need something new."
After these words, the entire crowd brandished a variety of weapons, including machine guns, flamethrowers, machetes, grenades, Molotov cocktails, rocket launchers, anthrax, suicide bombs, car bombs, truck bombs, self-referential bombs, realization that this is the first time in this timeline we've had a long-running gag in this iteration of the timeline, lists of weapons they had with them, and long, tired metajokes. From there they went across the city and killed everyone they could find, including our reporter.
The rioters ransacked a lower-income neighborhood and burned and killed everything, then, to show racial and class equality, went into an affluent suburb and burned and killed everything.
When asked about the reporter and how his information made it into this timeline, the author just put his finger in front of his lips and said "shhh!"
Reactions to this have been mixed; Bernie Sanders said that this is a "logical outburst of rage against the injustice of the system."
Donald Trump said that they were "bastards."
Hitler said that they were "rioters that all should be shot."
MacEvil said "Shot? Why not gassed?"
Source:
Things That Happen 2.0: A Rebooted Satirical Timeline by SpanishSpy
