So May has been an interesting Month to say the least, filled with ups and downs throughout...the ups being mainly because of how work has been going for me, the downs mainly because of singledom taking its toll, and past emotions coming back to the surface. That’s the short version. To save space, I’ll post the long version in spoilers.
Spoiler
So at work I’ve been really doing better than I expected. I’ve been really enjoying working as a cashier since I learned that I absolutely just love talking to people. Being able to stand there and have conversations with people and getting paid to do so while scanning and bagging their items really is a blast for me. Sure, I get the occasional bad customer, but I’ve yet to ever have one really get upset/angry at me. I also ended up getting on the board for the first time as one of the fastest cashiers this week which is excellent, because it means I don’t have to worry about being let go anytime soon for being slow...which was why my last job didn’t work out.
They also hired someone to replace me as a cashier so that I can go back and work in the Electronics department, which is what I’ve been wanting ever since I heard there was an opening in that area. The week before last I got to work over there overnights restocking and resetting the shelves, and I really had a great time doing it. So to be hired over there as an actual Electronics person will be fantastic...plus it’s a pay raise, so that’s a huge plus.
I really wish that was translating into my social/off work/love life. Unfortunately, it’s not. I was seeing someone for a bit, but that ended because he’s way too passive about wanting to spend time together. We went on a total of 3 dates, the last being way back in March before I had even gotten my new job. I would occasionally throw out the rope by telling him what days I had off, and he never seemed to want to set anything up despite him saying he missed hanging out with me. Our conversations were even sparse and far between. I decided to re-create my dating profiles a couple of weeks ago because I pretty much just gave up. He talked about wanting to see the new X-Men movie with me and I told him my days off, and no dice. He said he’d get back to me about it, and I haven’t heard back.
As far as the dating profiles, I’ve had a couple of nips, but no real bites. Against my better judgment, I recreated my profiles on some of the other sites, and all I’ve gotten so far are older guys that keep wanting to hook up with me, which is something I’m not really into.
It’s going on…almost 9 months since I was in an actual relationship with someone, before that it was a year, and before that it was 2 years.
I just don’t do well with being single, and do even less when dating someone doesn’t work out if they’re the ones that cut the cord. I have a few insecurities about myself, and both of those times usually tend to bring them out.
This month in general has pretty much shown me that deep down, I’m really not okay. As much as I try to tell myself that I am, I’m really not, and I don’t think I’ve really actually been okay for a while.
When I was younger, I was bullied constantly in school. I was in SpED occasionally and had physical and occupational therapy from elementary to middle school. When I was roughly 5 months, I had really bad grand Mal seizures (like really bad, violent shake-wise) constantly and daily. Mind you, this was back in the 80s, when knowing how to even deal with the different types of seizures was still being worked on. I don't know how they got them to stop (but the doctor they took me to see did some kind of procedure), and to this day no one knows what caused it (since I've never had them again)...but one result of it all is that my motor skills absolutely suffered and developmentally I wasn't in the same exact area as everyone else, so I was put into physical/occupational therapy and SpED to get me back up to speed.
I don't even know if being in those were even the reason I was bullied, or if it was because I never stood up for myself, or a mix of those things. All I know is that I got called many different types of names, kids would intentionally throw things like basketballs at me from behind (one time one kid actually hit me from behind with one of those milk crates, right on the head), my backpack would get put in the trashcan, kids would intentionally get me in trouble even when I didn’t do anything wrong, I’ve been threatened (actually to where I've had a knife pointed at me), kids would pretend to be my friend and then moments later would be making fun of me in my face, and I’ve been used for dares and bets – my actual first girlfriend (not my considered first, but actual first) was because someone made a bet with her to go out with me and then break up with me in that same day.
And no, none of this was sexuality reasons. I wasn't even completely aware that I was attracted to guys until I was 12 (though I think that's just when attraction in general kicked in for me), and I didn't even come out to anyone that I was gay until I was 19. I didn't get any of the F-names thrown at me or any of those jokes...though did get others.
But that was just the kids. I had good teachers, but I also had nasty ones too that attributed to it – my second grade teacher had me sit in the hall constantly because I liked to talk, and really never had any positive things to say whatsoever. My fourth grade teacher actually had a system in place to where if I did anything that the class didn’t agree with, they as a class would call out my name and say that I was bothering them (a system a good number of course abused and I got in trouble when I didn't even do anything) on top of the fact that my desk was on the complete opposite side of the room away from everyone else. It wasn't until near the end of the year that the same kids in the class tried it when I didn't do anything, and a couple of kids finally called them out on it, but I don't think the teacher even cared.
Middle school (the first I went to for 5th and 6th grade) had two systems in place: Make your Day, and the Steps program. The first was a point system in which you started out with a certain number of points for each class, and you’d lose points if you didn’t do your homework, were talking, and so on. It essentially was a system that encouraged tattling as well as making shit up against others so that they’d lose points, since the teachers never really questioned anything being said (mine never did anyways). If you lost a certain number of points, you’d have show the fact that you failed to “Make your Day” to your parents (essentially it was the equivalent of getting an “F”), they’d have to sign something, and you’d have to try harder the next day. Multiple times would end up being the topic of a parent-teacher or parent-principal conference. In the summer time was pretty much the biggest insult to where if you “Made your day” enough times, you’d get to join everyone on a trip to the Family Fun center in the town that I lived (which was an arcade, bumper boats, mini golf, etc…), and you’d get lunch, free tokens, and rides. So if you didn’t meet the requirement, no fun trip for you.
The Steps program essentially was this: If you talked, disrupted the class, or even said or did anything the teacher didn’t agree with, you’d fall into this progressive cycle:
>Step one: You’d have to sit at a desk against the wall for a period of time (dictated by the teacher), facing the wall.
>Step two (if it continued during step one): Similar to above, but standing.
>Step three (same as above): You’d be sent to the principal’s office
>Step four (read above): You’d be suspended/sent home.
>Step five (read above): Expulsion
Granted, it wasn’t always a progressive cycle. The teacher was perfectly within their rights to skip a step or two if they chose to.
Really, the bullying lasted from 2nd grade all the way till I graduated high school. The sad thing is that I spent half of my schooling in one town, and then moved elsewhere in a completely different city on the opposite side of the state for my second half...and despite this completely new location, it completely resumed right where it left off the moment I started 7th grade. In Junior year I tried really hard to ignore the comments and names, but I’d be lying if I said I was successful. I was so glad when graduation came because I knew I wouldn’t have to deal with it anymore...but at least a decade of damage was already done.
In my younger years, I was a really excitable and talkative type of person. By the time I was in 5th grade, that had diminished a lot because I started to feel insecure about myself, and by 7th grade I essentially turned into the type that only spoke on rare occasions, was having identity, self esteem, and insecurity issues, and was prone to start crying because emotionally I couldn’t deal with a lot of things anymore. High school, that was pretty much me as well...and I really think that my psyche was permanently damaged by everything that happened.
It's annoying in a way because I graduated almost 11 years ago, and it all still haunts me and has a tight grip on me today as much as I've tried getting over or finding a way to move past it. I was actually relieved I never received the invite to my 10-year reunion, because I'm not ready to face any of them. I really want to be able to forgive and forget, but I can't. As forgetful a person as I am, I really can't forget anything that happened, and I can't forgive them honestly because of how deeply it hurt and still does to this day. So deeply that it still affects me in many parts of my personality and my life.
Relationship wise, I have a difficult time really trusting people. Even if someone says they’re attracted to me, I find it really difficult to believe them, and find myself worrying a lot even if there’s no reason to. But that in itself has pushed me internally to get over being into someone as fast as I was attracted to them...because I’d rather be the person ending it than be the person that ends up being surprised by being dumped. But it's cost me some potentially great relationships with wonderful people.
But if it's any consolation (I guess): a good number of my exes (if not most) ended up meeting their actual special someone after our relationship ended (aka, the next person they dated after me)...so I guess there's that. I get to be the guy that people go out with right before they meet the person they want to spend their life with...maybe that's my superpower.
Personality wise, I still second guess and doubt myself a lot. College classes, especially my theatre classes, suffered because I doubt myself and hesitate to really show any vulnerability (but in fact show too much) in fear of being let down or disappointed or being tormented again. My theatre teacher actually referred to me one day as being like a “wounded bird” because I’m extremely hesitant and scared that I’ll do badly, so I end up being one of those types that comes in internally apologizing for my performance even before I’ve done anything.
There’s also occasional moments where I'm just generally depressed about things. Normally when it’s just me by myself with my own thoughts, and I think about my life and how despite how I enjoy my job and love my friends...I really just feel like a complete failure. If I had gotten to live my life without being dragged down and having my heart ripped apart time after time to where I’m still trying to fit the pieces together, I could have been on a different path: I could have been a teacher like I’d always wanted, or performing in a play or musical, or have written my stories with ease rather than facing the constant self doubt that what I write isn't good enough. I could be married right now and have a wonderful and happy life with a family living the life that feel like it'll always just be a dream now. I could be a completely different person altogether. Instead, I feel like my life is a daily struggle both with my personal self and overall with worrying if I’ll get fired from my job, worrying about bills and student loans, worried if I’ll never find someone to spend my life with, and worried if I’ll end up losing my friends and others that I care about.
I won’t lie...there’s many times in my life to where I’ve thought about committing suicide and ending it all, because I don’t like this spiral of despair and depression that my mind goes onward to, and in many ways I don’t like the person that I am...I don't like the life that I'm living and feel like I have no control over what goes on, no matter how hard I want to try to change it. I could lie and say that I’ve never and will never act upon those thoughts because it isn’t worth it and I realize I have a lot to live for...but the truth is that the only reason I’ve never acted on them is because I’m terrified of pain. I don’t like to cause pain to myself because I hate the feeling of it, and I’m terrified that if I were to fail in a suicide attempt, I’d be in excruciating pain as a result. One of the reasons I’m terrified of guns and would never own one is because I know one day would appear to where I’d be tempted to use it on myself, and it’d only be a matter of time before that temptation finally swayed me.
I’ve thought that moving and making friends has changed that and brought out a new side of me...and in many ways it really has. But all this month has shown is that that wound is still very fresh and very deep. I was watching an episode of Girl Meets World (It’s actually not bad), and the episode “Girl meets Rileytown” really hit a chord with me, because Riley and I are very much alike personality wise... even though much of that personality was damaged earlier because I never had the support base that she had (yes, fiction I know). I've had friends, but the only person who had ever stood up for me was my brother...and rarely was he ever actually around if I was getting picked on. A coworker and myself were talking, and she said something that hit a trigger for me (I don’t even recall what it was right now) to where I had to go somewhere else and catch my breath because I almost wanted to start crying.
The only time I’ve ever felt comfortable really talking to someone is when I’ve had a lot to drink, because stuff is generally forgiven if you’ve had a few drinks. I’ve wanted to sit down and really talk to someone for a while...but I’ve been terrified to. I always tell people that I don’t want to ruin someone’s good day by bogging them with my problems...but the truth is that I don’t want to scare them away because I want to keep the friends that I have, and I’m scared to lose any.
So in reality, I’m not okay. I may have my good days, and I may generally seem like I’m in a good mood, but deep down I’m really not. I’ve been wanting to write this for a while, but I’ve been hesitating to do so. At this point, I really don’t know what I should do.
