This is going to sound really weird from someone like me but I think I've missed my calling.
I wasn't raised in a very religious family (only my grandma liked to pray and really believed in God like most people her age (born in 1917), my mom was one of these "cultural Catholics" and I ended up as an agnostic, what Dawkins calls a "cowardly position" because he isn't actually all that smart, anyway, I digress) but when I was younger I took a lot from my grandmother since I was raised by her and my mother (we all lived together) and I had a stronger faith in my teens...not necessarily really strong, but stronger than it is now. I was baptized like most people in my generation as an infant (because lol Catholics) then confirmed at a young age and there ended my involvement with organized religion aside from my folks dragging me reluctantly at Christmas mass, which I found boring because people sung in Latin and I didn't know what it meant. I enjoyed reading the Bible and I thought the lessons therein made sense if not taken literally and if taking into account the different cultural eras.
And quite few times, regularly in fact, during my teenage years, I got "the calling", even though I was not very religious still. I wanted to be a priest. I felt it, man, it was burning inside, up until the pedophilia scandals rocked the Church and I was so disgusted, like most people, that I just buried it and forgot about it. I did many other things since then, I have a degree in modern languages where I studied Spanish, German, art history and philosophy, and as you all know I'm finishing an LL.B. in just a few months. But I'm realizing now that I've not liked what I've done, that despite all I do and achieve I feel empty inside, and suddenly "the calling" came back. It's like I'm missing a few limbs, I'm not feeling whole at all. A few days ago I had a dream where I was at the church of my childhood, where I grew up, but I was the one in the cassock, delivering a sermon, and it felt absolutely glorious. I felt like I had an impact, that I changed lives for the better.
I've always wanted to help others, change the world, I'm an idealist. And as a priest I could. I do believe that I'm right on many degrees, that I have some truth that many ignore (that sounds arrogant, but hey) and that I have something worth saying. Lawyers don't have much stock in moral matters, and the system is too rigid to change but priests do for some people, and since they act on people's hearts and mind, it's much easier to have an impact. I think faith is an individual matter and I'm pretty free-spirited by nature, so even if ordained I wouldn't really tow the line perfectly. I wouldn't care about going to the Vatican or becoming a bishop or an archbishop or whatever other ranks they've got. I'd tow it just enough to not be defrocked, but I would get my message out all the same, and I'd like to believe that this message could even change the archaic behemoth that is the Catholic Church. I've been reading on the life of the new Pope and he did many great things...helped people, changed lives. That's what I want to do too, and spirituality is a better way to do just that than law is.
This is long, and rambling, but...I think once my LL.B. is done, I'll go on a retreat to a monastery. One week, maybe two of peace and quiet, so I can think. Quebec is great about that because we have a lot of monasteries and all of them have a hosting service, and they are all on a "pay what you can" basis. I'll start praying, not in a Church but by myself because that's how it's meant to be done, in a dark corner and in secret. If I still feel that void, I'll look towards taking the necessary steps to be ordained. I'm pretty sure that some of you must have pretty negative opinions of the Catholics, and religion in general. I share them in part. I never was a very good Catholic, but if being a good Catholic means hating on LGBT people and abortion, I will never be, because that will never change. I like everyone, don't condemn and don't judge.
I don't know why I feel the need to write this, but I really do, and I'm really serious about this. My mom thought I was just the regular confused teen and wondered why the Hell I would want to be a priest. But the fact that it is happening again and again is a pretty good indication that perhaps I'm meant to do this and perhaps I won't feel complete, serene and happy until I do. I don't know if God is calling me or not (and I suppose to a rational mind like mine, it seems pretty ridiculous that He is calling me, very nearly an unbeliever, Christian only by culture, when there's a huge stock of people already sold to Him He could call upon - I'm very aware of the cognitive dissonance involved), maybe that calling originates from myself, but it's getting harder and harder to ignore it, even with all I know and have experienced, even with the things I think and have said in the past.
In the depth of my person, I've always wanted a quiet life, in contemplation, spiritual or academic. I've often said the ideal life for me would be to study every day until I die. In Catholic churches, they don't make dumb priests (unlike many other denominations with fake universities where you can buy a degree - consistency is definitely a quality I can identify with), all of them have a master's degree plus many more years of study in a seminary, and the vast majority accrue knowledge until they die. There's even a very well-known order that makes knowledge, secular and spiritual, their prime focus, and I'd like to live a life like that. They have access to books and the Internet, they aren't cut off from the rest of the world. And yeah, there are kiddie fiddlers, but I am not one, and isn't that what matters in the end? It's not like I'll become a pedo because I'm a priest.
I'm gonna try that spiritual retreat with the monks, and really participate in their daily lives, and if that fixes the fucking black hole I have in myself, my mind will be set. Do you believe in callings?