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I sometimes wonder whether I am too sly. I almost never take a direct approach to get things done.

You should dress as a raccoon, have a tall burly friend dress as a hippo,  a short friend dress as a turtle, and a female friend dress as a fox and talk with an accent.  Then you should all go on some amazing escapades together in stealing the most valuable items while also secretly seeking vengence.

I'm currently experiencing a severe case of stage fright. I got chosen to compile new training materials for a tool called ManyCam, and before it gets given to the trainer at our branch of the company, I have to present this training material to the directors of the company as a whole, not just to the big boss at my branch, this Friday. I'm shitting bricks right now. I mean, obviously my big boss recommended me because he has faith in me, but the closer I get to the date, the more nervous I feel.

N-Day has returned.  I am not sure whether or not to be excited about that.  Although it doesn't actually start until another 2 days from now.

Manycam is still a thing? I remember using that a good few years ago.

So 2 days in and I'm already much more content at work.  I think stepping down was the best decision I've made, because most of that stress faded the moment it became reality that I was going back to my old position.

On the flipside, I had to call out today.  I've had a broken tooth for roughly 4 years now with no issue, and today it's been nothing but intense pain.  I don't know if it has to do with my wisdom teeth since I've never had those pulled...or if that particular tooth is just done.  Either way, I'm at the dentist office waiting to get it pulled.

And dentist offices always make me nervous.

Stumbled upon this video that absolutely read my mind about the state of Neon Genesis Evangelion.

As an aside, Asuka has always been the one character I identified most with.

It's always odd when I figure out one of my personality traits is a direct result of mum's parenting. Once again I find I really appreciate her. Especially since like all parents she likely was fumbling and panicking and generally having to work without much signposting on what to do. She's a good person. Sure, I can pick out flaws and there are qualities I've inherited that I wish I didn't, but the older I get the more I notice how much of me comes from her, and how the good parts of her are there, too, not just what I dislike. I dunno. I'm glad I'm her kid.

The more I tried to convince myself and the world that I'm nothing like my father, the more I became like him over time. He's just as emotionally detached as I am, and exhibits a lot of traits that I'm beginning to see in myself more and more, but I'm also starting to appreciate some of the great attributes I inherited from him, like his never-say-die attitude and ability to get shit done.

The common consensus is that we idolise our parents as children, and then go through a phase where we feel betrayed by the realisation that they make mistakes like anyone else, and through this hurt, enter the "I hate you" phase. Only in my early twenties did I start to accept my parents' many flaws.

I've finally hit the point in my life where more of my friends are married/engaged than those who are not. Hell, even my younger sister got married last year. This realisation has made me feel a bit uneasy. Their good-natured teasing about my bachelor lifestyle has kinda started to strike a nerve.

I've been saying I don't see the point of getting married for years, but now I'm not so sure. They all look so much happier than me. Maybe that's worth giving up your independence? I don't know.

As a married guy, I can understand why marriage isn't for everyone. I can't really do what I want to do every minute of the day like when I was in college because I have to take another person's schedules, likes/dislikes, and feelings into account. But overall I enjoy being married. I like sharing experiences with my wife. We do drive each other mad sometimes, though, and not in a cute way.

And looks can be deceiving -- just because married people look happy doesn't mean they always are when they get home.

But that's pretty dickish if people are pressuring you even if it's lightheartedly. Some of our family have started to joke that we should have a baby (which we wouldn't want for like another 5 years or more), which makes us not want to have a kid altogether just to spite them. So, yeah, I get that.

I wouldn't get married just for the sake of it, though, because if you get married to someone who ends up not gelling well with you, it'd make your much life worse than just staying single. But if you happen to find someone cool that you really like spending time with and being around, who knows.

I haven't given much thought to marriage yet, because I haven't even had a significant relationship yet, lol. Between living in an area where there aren't many compatible people and being a more reclusive fellow, I haven't had much offline opportunity, and I've never had an online relationship that's lasted more than a few months. Let's just say that too many people being attracted to me has never been a problem, so over time I've learned to not dwell on it much.

But I'm still a person...sometimes I'll become attracted to someone, and I'll wonder what a life with them would be like. What it would be like to spend time with them, to live with them, to sleep with them...how our relationship would appear to others and whether people would envy what we have. Of course, things are always perfect because it's a product of my imagination. I imagine that we'd always want to spend time together, even if it's just watching the other do something we're not really into...that we'd be perfectly harmonious and never have arguments or be mad at each other, and that in some way it would last forever.

But I suppose that because I've never had extensive experience in that area, all I have is the fantasy, lol.

Yeah, I doubt they see it as pressuring me. Ultimately, they want what is best for me. It is incredibly annoying when they try to set me up with friends and friends of friends, but I appreciate the intent, if not the act. They have had to push me out of my comfort zone sometimes, and it has mostly worked to my benefit.

Still, though. This is not something I want to step into lightly, or just with anyone. My brother-in-law is surprisingly understanding of my circumstances. He himself lived as a bachelor until the age of 36, until he married my sister. He also suggests I not take it too quickly if I just don't feel ready yet. He surprised me by saying if I never feel ready, that is not actually a problem either, despite societal perceptions to the contrary. My sister wanted to hit him when he said that, though. 

Ultimately, there is a severe personality deficiency I would need to overcome to make my relationships last: my detachment. I have no trouble getting into relationships, but I find it very hard to give people the emotional support they need. I've found people tend to analyse words more than actions, so my rather brusque manner gets seen before the effort I put into helping people. Many of my friends have come to terms with the fact that I will always have something of a cruel-to-be-kind approach to things. My best friend values this, as he knows I don't care to say anything to a person I don't like/respect, I just let them suffer in their own ignorance. For whatever reason, this is not the type of understanding I get in relationships. It's happened too often for me to say it's them and not me, but I also legitimately don't know how to change this, or even if I should.

I've wanted to get married for the last 6 years myself. I've had a couple meaningful relationships but I've met only one person that makes me feel happier than ever. Hell I still have feelings for her. We're still friends but it probably isn't very healthy for me. To be honest I hate being single. Sure I'm free to go where I want when I want and all that but it's not very fulfilling if I'm by myself. I think the tradeoff of going from bachelor to married is significantly better. As biased as it is for me to say, considering my opinion, none of the fun of being a bachelor is worth it if I don't have anyone important to me to do those things with. Sure it's contradictory but I still feel it's worth it.

I thought I was gonna throw up from the nerves before I started the presentation today, but when I started it, all that went away and the directors went away very damn happy with the tool and the presentation in general. Mission accomplished! Now excuse me while I have a heart attack.

Ultimately, there is a severe personality deficiency I would need to overcome to make my relationships last: my detachment. I have no trouble getting into relationships, but I find it very hard to give people the emotional support they need. I've found people tend to analyse words more than actions, so my rather brusque manner gets seen before the effort I put into helping people. Many of my friends have come to terms with the fact that I will always have something of a cruel-to-be-kind approach to things. My best friend values this, as he knows I don't care to say anything to a person I don't like/respect, I just let them suffer in their own ignorance. For whatever reason, this is not the type of understanding I get in relationships. It's happened too often for me to say it's them and not me, but I also legitimately don't know how to change this, or even if I should.

I don't think emotional detachment is something you need to overcome. Hell knows I haven't. My wife calls me a robot, says I have no feelings, am brutally honest, etc., but she still knows I love her, and that's ultimately why we're still together. You might need to explain in words that you just aren't emotional but that you still care for them. And your blunt honesty will eventually be seen as a virtue -- you aren't bullshitting them when you tell them they look good, you agree with them, you're proud of them, or you care for them. Same for your actions over words approach -- you may not be classically romantic, but your loyalty and everyday actions (and occasional extraordinary actions) will eventually be seen as more important than any emotional thing you could say. If they need emotional support, that's what their friends are for; but that also doesn't mean you can't let them vent at you or you remind them in words that, yes, you do indeed care for them (you don't be all flowery about it, though).

So yeah, you might need to be open in how you aren't very emotional and don't mince words, and you may need to occasionally put your positive thoughts of them into words, but you don't need to compromise yourself or your personality -- that'd just be exhausting. Eventually someone will come to value it if you give each other the chance like your best friend has.