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A potato-coloured beam of light shines down on Charles, and many worshippers perform synchronised dances around him. All is calm, until a noise is heard at one of the coloured windows. A priest moves forward to check for anything outside. An egg-shaped, purple silhouette slips into and out of sight, and the priest gathers most of the worshippers and places them inside a potato sack. He begins to pray to the Holy Potato on the altar (Where a potato was once peeled for our sins). More noises are heard from outside, and the beam of light becomes a sickly deep bluish-purple. Charles' prayer has been overpowered by the evil of the putrid eggplant cult.

"Oh well, that's not very good, is it? Why not have some lemsip and duct tape?" - No Problemos 13:24

"Sh*t, there's an aubergine ripping out my intestinal tract - I just wanted to get some sowing done, for fuck's sake." - Fields 11:21

Charles prays even harder, and begins to gain control over the beam of light again.

The baige glow splits into lasers and disintergrates the aubergine threat. A most holy priest of the one true religion begins covering Charles in holy soil.

"Well, that was anticlimactic." - Shortcomings 6:21

"The meditation to prevent the Eggplant's Domination of the Potato-realm is a daily duty of the Popetato-Consort."- Duties of the Popetato-Consort 112:35

That's me, by the way. I am the Pope Crushita's Consort.

'Oh, really?' - Suspicions towards the identity of Popetato-Consort 23:17
These quotes are becoming ridiculous now.

'Trust in the Potato, and the Holy Spudcripture, for in the year 2017, a random guy called Charles Watson-Turing-Donald shall be the Popetato-Consort!' - Charles 1:3

Yeah, it's amazing how relevant the Spudcripture is, even today. Anyway, I am! I'm due to marry Crushita shortly.

'Fair enough.' - Noris 3:7

Attention All Members of the Church of the Holy Tuber

As you are all likely aware, His Eminence the Potatoe Pope (Crushita) has left for at least a month to spread the word of the Holy Tuber elsewhere.

In his parting words, His Eminence said that he believes the Tomatoists will fall with time; however, it has become apparent that the infidels have risen since the Potatoe Pope left. The Tomatoists continue to spread their filth throughout Wintreath, and new religions have also formed. Most of our devout followers have disappeared, and the word of the Holy Spud has been diluted in the Pope's absence. The Holy Potatoe has been a symbol and religion of Wintreath for many years. It has been put into Wintrean Law twice and been made an official regional symbol. The heretics to the Holy Tuber, especially in His Eminence's absence, try to destroy this symbol of our faith!

This is why we need a messenger of the Holy Starchiness. The Potatoe Pope has served this role well for many years but is no longer with us, at least temporarily. Therefore, I have taken it upon myself, with the endorsement of @Ollie and @ShadowX4life , to be the Great Spud's humble messenger to the people! I will interpret the word of the Spud so that we may seek salvation by the grace and mercy of the all-embracing Holy Tuber!

The Great Spud loves and cherishes all, so as @Ollie has said via Discord, I am to merely decipher the Great Spud's teachings and messages. I am not to spread falsehoods and hate; I am to spread the true word and spread awareness of the Holy Tuber's love and greatness.

I swear on my holy allegiance to the One True Potatoe that I will spread and teach the true word of the One True Potatoe, to the best of my ability.

The Temporary Potatriarch,
Mathyland

Death to the spud! All praise the OMNISIAH

Death to the spud! All praise the OMNISIAH

Burn the heretic at the STEAK!

Death to the spud! All praise the OMNISIAH

Burn the heretic at the STEAK!

YES BURN HIM AT THE STEAK

Ironic considering I'm a vegetarian...

Ironic considering I'm a vegetarian...

Then it will be super effective!

Except nothing happened... so apparently not

HERESY! THERE IS NO TEACHING IN THE POTATOME THAT PERMITS A POTATRIARCH!