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  Hey guys, wrote this a good few years back and recently had it on my mind with the weather here recently.

So looked back over it and updated it a bit, I'd still love to get any and all feedback on it.

Hope you enjoy:

Part 1 - Mud and Rain

Rain, that was all it seemed the world was now, it came in waves, sweeping across them over and over again eternally pelting the front of Diane’s windscreen, she could feel the tires and makeshift tracks of her campervan slipping on the impossibly deep mud. Occasionally her headlights managed to pierce through the dense sheets of rain to briefly shine on the ends of other vans trundling on the same blind path or maybe the back of a parker wearing figure wading hopelessly through the knee deep sludge that was once picturesque countryside… Diane looks back from the imaginary road she’s travelling along to the stacks of radio sets and tracking equipment furnishing the back of the vehicle, but she focuses on her partner Georgia who stares back at her hopelessly and shakes her head in dismay. As Diane sighs and turns back around her eyes catch the back of another campervan with its’ brake lights on getting incredibly close, she swerves and slams her foot hard on the brake pedal, her van scrapes alongside the back corner of the one in-front breaking off the left wing-mirror, the vehicle tilts awkwardly but amazingly manages to stay upright.

Some of the unsecured radio gear has fallen around the cabin, but Diane and Georgia without a word grab their shotgun and open the door into the darkness to see what caused the other vehicle to stop. To their surprise and shock it is not just one fellow traveller but a whole swarm of them, tens, no, hundreds of transports were halted awkwardly alongside them and they could see more trails of headlights coming from behind joining the impromptu car park. The wind crashed against them and rain pelted down hard, luckily the tight warm scarfs and goggles they had both adorned before venturing outside helped them cope. They began to wade through the thick and heavy mud onwards slightly keeping an eye on their iconic mode of transport with its tall radio antennas and satellite dishes. Up ahead was a verge leading down to what used to be a small stream but was now a mighty river, carving its’ way through the environment, some of the vans had obviously attempted to cross despite the obvious danger and had been washed away by the rapid flow of water, many people were clustered by the shore attempting to fish survivors out with little to no luck.

Diane took pulled down her scarf from her face and pulled her companion close “We’re too late Geo, there’s no way we can get across that now” Georgia looked forlornly down at the chaotic scene below before charging off back to the van, Diane followed suit a little dismayed at her partner’s lack of her usual optimism... But Georgia knew that Diane was right they should have left town months ago at least, but she had always tried to stay strong in the face of adversity and her brother had promised he would be back for them and he had never let her down, especially not like this. As they both marched back they reflected on what had got them stuck here, all their regrets and mistakes…

Really it had all started decades ago, years before either of them had met or were even born, but it all started to hit home five years’ prior, Georgia and Diane a young couple in their 20s had only been dating a couple months when at a dinner party they saw it on the news… The Chinese invasion of the eastern New Soviet Republics had been ground to a complete halt by the unprecedented north pacific hurricane that had engulfed Asia, for weeks’ pictures of military helicopters getting pushed out of the sky like paper planes was all anyone could see on their neural image boards. When the three gorges damn finally broke open China, the US and the NSR all signed a ceasefire treaty, and what was once the most prosperous nation became occupied territory and aid teams poured in to try to save the desperate Chinese populace… They weren’t saved for long, soon more storms raged across the pacific every country with a pacific border felt the hits in one way or another, but charity and government aid shot through the roof year after year, they were going to weather these storms, humanity had long ago tamed the earth, so what if it still got a little restless from time to time, we could take it…

The storms kept coming, no one could do anything but attempt to mitigate the damages each time. There were little effects felt at first in Diane’s city, sure the price of power went up a little, and her connection to the neuralnet cost a little more each month, but these problems had happened before, it would be fine next year. The people started getting more frustrated when the restaurants and shops had to close because the cost of goods had risen so high, but those were old businesses, who didn’t have a 3D assembler and food printer by now? The news sites kept talking about “salt contamination of fresh water supplies”; “damages to local infrastructure” and “unexpected environmental shifts” as the reasons behind the ever rising costs, the early optimism of governments and corporations started to be replaced by grim realism, with massive evacuations of coastal cities inland and food blocks started to be rationed out. Companies promised special rewards for their loyal employees and customers, unsubstantiated rumours were abound about everything from underwater cities to off world colonisation, but nothing could be confirmed and slowly one user at a time the net got quieter and quieter…

Six months before they ran into the river Diane and Georgia’s power went out, they awoke one morning to find “missing network connection” flashing along the edge of their vision, outside the road-lights were dark and their neighbours wandered around aimlessly, truly feeling the loss of the once ever present internet and power grid, it took some real adjusting to, but their bio-apps still worked, well most of them, it was difficult to charge their implants power cells without outlets but the solar panels on the roof kept them with enough juice to keep going. A couple weeks after the blackouts army trucks arrived down the road, carrying food packets and parts for assemblers, to her surprise Georgia’s brother Mark was one of the men with them, they had been using satellite connections on their trucks to maintain network access, and the residents started to feel better again, people still knew what was going on, they were still being taken care of… Of course not everyone was pacified, some of the residents started leaving town heading inland looking for greener pastures, for safety, for a reliable power connection… Mark assured the couple that they’d be safe in the city and that if it started to get worse his division would be back to evacuate them all.

The convoy of soldiers returned every month with food, supplies and news from the outside world, every time Mark repeated his reassuring words, but every time Diane grew less convinced, she thought what he said sounded like a canned line, it was always the same words, always the same tone. She bought an old big campervan and started stockpiling everything she could find in it, attaching dishes and masts to the roof and setting up countless devices to listen in on any signals and even to broadcast if the need ever arose. For all her effort she received lots of criticism from her partner, Georgia couldn’t believe she wasn’t taking her brother at face value and was putting so much effort into cowardly preparing to run away. Diane never liking to see her love upset with her, so told her it was to pass the time, and they ended up working together fitting and decorating the van, they even spent one warm afternoon painting it…

One day the rain started and it went on all day, it didn’t stop the next, or the next after that, more people fled the city, houses got washed or blown away causing some to venture out with nothing more than the clothes on their back… Georgia convinced Diane to stay and wait but the day the soldiers were supposed to arrive came and went, and the rain didn’t stop, but they stayed as their food rations ran out and even Georgia’s hopes dwindled. Finally, one day they awoke with a start, a tree had crashed into their house the rain and wind was pouring in, they hurriedly put on jackets and boots and fled the damaged house for the van, which had thankfully sat undamaged through everything the weather had thrown at it. They set off, with the goal of heading inland to Mark’s base, occasionally they swapped between driving and constantly broadcasting, driven by their hunger and demands for answers they pressed on, when the roads wore down and became paths which became bare fields and finally mud, for miles and miles they drove in the eternal storm…

That’s how they had gotten here, stuck in the mud, surrounded by hundreds of people but feeling completely alone; the radio had been silent for the week they had been on the road… their once pleasantly chubby figures worn down to skeletal skin and bones, as they got back into the van Georgia laid the gun down on the table and immediately took up the microphone and screamed: “Is anyone fucking out there!?” into it, before falling to her knees utterly defeated. Diane came in behind her and shut the door, in the awkward silence of the rain hitting the roof and both their breathing a faint voice was heard for a fraction of a second on one of the channels. They both sprung into life, quickly tuning the archaic devices trying to hear it again eventually after great effort they hear: “This is the Research Ship RV Odyssey broadcasting. Any survivors please state your GPS co-ordinate location on this frequency for flyer pickup. Message will repeat.” Hearing the message only once Diane immediately pressed the transmit button and read aloud the co-ordinates their infrequent GPS locators had them as being at, before checking those numbers on one of the old paper maps she had stowed on-board.

After an hour of waiting the signal had stopped and their brief hope of food and escape started to vanish… after five more hours, they were cuddled inside trying to forget where they were, when a blinding light emerged through the clouds, a jet flyer transporter with four massive engines and a sleek black metallic body was vertically setting down up the river away from them, Diane jumped into action driving fast towards the craft, they had no idea who these people were or why they had actually come, but somehow she knew they were saved…

[End of Part 1]

Part 2 is already written but not updated so if you like it feel free to post your theories about what happens next thanks!

Ooooo, this is interesting.

Regarding the Plot

I'm getting global warming themes. =D Storms rising in frequency, mass deaths, and so on. Granted, nothing seems to be outright hinting that this is happening because of X, Y, and Z (which is probably going to come up in the future), but there's probably something that caused it. Whether or not it's from human folly remains to be seen.

Building off of that, I appreciate that this has happened over several years. Too many apocalypse stories have everything snap into awful and then everyone is dead withing a few days, weeks, or months (if lucky). It feels more realistic.

I like the little hints of this being set in the future. (who didn’t have a 3D assembler and food printer by now?). Clever to say that, rather than "It was the year 3004 blah blah blah." Shame the increase in tech didn't help the people survive the storms.

I'm starting to think that this story is a look at a possible future. But, who knows, it could be aliens. I doubt it, but it could be. Whoo-eee-oooo OOOO-eeee-OOOO.

Regarding Writing

You've got some writing habits that are obstructing the story a bit. Sorry, but there are a few. Don't feel discouraged though, they're easy to fix.

First up, is this story meant to be in the present tense or past tense? You mix and match the two.

Compare these:

"Diane took pulled down her scarf from her face and pulled her companion close."

I'm assuming that "took" or "pulled down" is not meant to be there. Ignoring the "took," this sentence is in the past tense.

"Diane and Georgia without a word grab their shotgun and open the door into the darkness to see what caused the other vehicle to stop."

This sentence, however, is in the present tense.

There doesn't seem to be anything to cause a tense change, so I'll assume this was a mistake. I'd advise going for past-tense, rather than present-tense, because present tense is harder to remain consistent in.


Secondly, your sentences are a bit too long. Try to keep only one idea in each one. For instance:

"Rain, that was all it seemed the world was now, it came in waves, sweeping across them over and over again eternally pelting the front of Diane’s windscreen, she could feel the tires and makeshift tracks of her campervan slipping on the impossibly deep mud."

This could be instead:

"Rain. That was all it seemed the world was now. It came in waves, sweeping across them. Over and over, it was eternally pelting the front of Diane's windscreen. She could feel the tires and makeshift tracks of her campervan slipping on the impossibly deep mud."

Long sentences are commonly used to slow the pace down. The pace is probably meant to be slow in this beginning part. However, short sentences -- while quick -- help increase the tension. Sentences that have more than three commas generally need to be edited. =D


Item three, whenever there is dialogue in a piece of fiction, the general rule is to begin a new line. However, that is not quiet necessary. So long as you have one piece of dialogue in each paragraph, you'll be good to go.

This is because paragraphs are supposed to contain one main idea each (much like in an essay), so when a new person begins speaking there is usually a new idea being begun. ("being begun," now that's an odd phrase).

Building off of that, your paragraphs could be split up a bit. "Walls of text," are scary. Small paragraphs are easier to grasp. That's why mine are always a few sentences long! Nice and bite sized! (But you should probably not go as small as mine. I need to work on making mine larger). I'm guessing you're used to essay writing?

There are exceptions. However as with most exceptions in writing, one needs to understand the effects that will be caused by breaking the "rule." For instance, dialogue mid-paragraph is reserved for quotations, and doesn't often show up in fiction. In fact, I can't think of any occasion where dialogue mid-paragraph ever is used in a "correct" manner. I'm sure some exist. Maybe in a stream of conscious piece of writing.

Example time:

That’s how they had gotten here, stuck in the mud, surrounded by hundreds of people but feeling completely alone; the radio had been silent for the week they had been on the road… their once pleasantly chubby figures worn down to skeletal skin and bones.

As they got back into the van Georgia laid the gun down on the table and immediately took up the microphone and screamed: “Is anyone fucking out there!?” into it, before falling to her knees utterly defeated. Diane came in behind her and shut the door, in the awkward silence of the rain hitting the roof and both their breathing a faint voice was heard for a fraction of a second on one of the channels.

They both sprung into life, quickly tuning the archaic devices trying to hear it again eventually after great effort they hear: “This is the Research Ship RV Odyssey broadcasting. Any survivors please state your GPS co-ordinate location on this frequency for flyer pickup. Message will repeat.” Hearing the message only once Diane immediately pressed the transmit button and read aloud the co-ordinates their infrequent GPS locators had them as being at, before checking those numbers on one of the old paper maps she had stowed on-board.

If I was writing this, I would have so many more paragraphs. But that would be bad, because mine are too tiny. So I've just put them where dialogue needed it. =D


And I think that's enough to be getting on with. =D

I like how you began the story in media res. Plus, the "how we got here" portion was good. It was a nice recap, giving information efficiently in order to get to the meat of the story. Although I'd consider there to be a bit too much tell, this is your piece of writing, not mine. (Plus, recap kinda needs to be tell rather than show). Overall, I'm excited to what will happen next!

Ooooo, this is interesting.

Regarding the Plot

I'm getting global warming themes. =D Storms rising in frequency, mass deaths, and so on. Granted, nothing seems to be outright hinting that this is happening because of X, Y, and Z (which is probably going to come up in the future), but there's probably something that caused it. Whether or not it's from human folly remains to be seen.

Building off of that, I appreciate that this has happened over several years. Too many apocalypse stories have everything snap into awful and then everyone is dead withing a few days, weeks, or months (if lucky). It feels more realistic.

I like the little hints of this being set in the future. (who didn’t have a 3D assembler and food printer by now?). Clever to say that, rather than "It was the year 3004 blah blah blah." Shame the increase in tech didn't help the people survive the storms.

I'm starting to think that this story is a look at a possible future. But, who knows, it could be aliens. I doubt it, but it could be. Whoo-eee-oooo OOOO-eeee-OOOO.

Regarding Writing

You've got some writing habits that are obstructing the story a bit. Sorry, but there are a few. Don't feel discouraged though, they're easy to fix.

First up, is this story meant to be in the present tense or past tense? You mix and match the two.

Compare these:

"Diane took pulled down her scarf from her face and pulled her companion close."

I'm assuming that "took" or "pulled down" is not meant to be there. Ignoring the "took," this sentence is in the past tense.

"Diane and Georgia without a word grab their shotgun and open the door into the darkness to see what caused the other vehicle to stop."

This sentence, however, is in the present tense.

There doesn't seem to be anything to cause a tense change, so I'll assume this was a mistake. I'd advise going for past-tense, rather than present-tense, because present tense is harder to remain consistent in.


Secondly, your sentences are a bit too long. Try to keep only one idea in each one. For instance:

"Rain, that was all it seemed the world was now, it came in waves, sweeping across them over and over again eternally pelting the front of Diane’s windscreen, she could feel the tires and makeshift tracks of her campervan slipping on the impossibly deep mud."

This could be instead:

"Rain. That was all it seemed the world was now. It came in waves, sweeping across them. Over and over, it was eternally pelting the front of Diane's windscreen. She could feel the tires and makeshift tracks of her campervan slipping on the impossibly deep mud."

Long sentences are commonly used to slow the pace down. The pace is probably meant to be slow in this beginning part. However, short sentences -- while quick -- help increase the tension. Sentences that have more than three commas generally need to be edited. =D


Item three, whenever there is dialogue in a piece of fiction, the general rule is to begin a new line. However, that is not quiet necessary. So long as you have one piece of dialogue in each paragraph, you'll be good to go.

This is because paragraphs are supposed to contain one main idea each (much like in an essay), so when a new person begins speaking there is usually a new idea being begun. ("being begun," now that's an odd phrase).

Building off of that, your paragraphs could be split up a bit. "Walls of text," are scary. Small paragraphs are easier to grasp. That's why mine are always a few sentences long! Nice and bite sized! (But you should probably not go as small as mine. I need to work on making mine larger). I'm guessing you're used to essay writing?

There are exceptions. However as with most exceptions in writing, one needs to understand the effects that will be caused by breaking the "rule." For instance, dialogue mid-paragraph is reserved for quotations, and doesn't often show up in fiction. In fact, I can't think of any occasion where dialogue mid-paragraph ever is used in a "correct" manner. I'm sure some exist. Maybe in a stream of conscious piece of writing.

Example time:

That’s how they had gotten here, stuck in the mud, surrounded by hundreds of people but feeling completely alone; the radio had been silent for the week they had been on the road… their once pleasantly chubby figures worn down to skeletal skin and bones.

As they got back into the van Georgia laid the gun down on the table and immediately took up the microphone and screamed: “Is anyone fucking out there!?” into it, before falling to her knees utterly defeated. Diane came in behind her and shut the door, in the awkward silence of the rain hitting the roof and both their breathing a faint voice was heard for a fraction of a second on one of the channels.

They both sprung into life, quickly tuning the archaic devices trying to hear it again eventually after great effort they hear: “This is the Research Ship RV Odyssey broadcasting. Any survivors please state your GPS co-ordinate location on this frequency for flyer pickup. Message will repeat.” Hearing the message only once Diane immediately pressed the transmit button and read aloud the co-ordinates their infrequent GPS locators had them as being at, before checking those numbers on one of the old paper maps she had stowed on-board.

If I was writing this, I would have so many more paragraphs. But that would be bad, because mine are too tiny. So I've just put them where dialogue needed it. =D


And I think that's enough to be getting on with. =D

I like how you began the story in media res. Plus, the "how we got here" portion was good. It was a nice recap, giving information efficiently in order to get to the meat of the story. Although I'd consider there to be a bit too much tell, this is your piece of writing, not mine. (Plus, recap kinda needs to be tell rather than show). Overall, I'm excited to what will happen next!

Thank you Elbby Crushita has been giving me some pointers as well, I know my writing is far from good, but I like telling stories and really want to improve, which is one of the main reasons why I put this here.

Thank you for the fantastic feedback, I'm probably going to redo 1 a bit and post 2 tomorrow but just now it's sleep for me.

Thanks again! Your feedback is thorough, fantastic and above and beyond what I expected.

Thank you Elbby Crushita has been giving me some pointers as well, I know my writing is far from good, but I like telling stories and really want to improve, which is one of the main reasons why I put this here.

Thank you for the fantastic feedback, I'm probably going to redo 1 a bit and post 2 tomorrow but just now it's sleep for me.

Thanks again! Your feedback is thorough, fantastic and above and beyond what I expected.

No problem! Glad I could help out.

I really enjoyed the story...I hope that you keep writing and posting it.

Part 2 - Steel and Sky

As the RV approaches the soon to be landing site, the unusual and gigantic square craft comes into clear view as it descends towards the ground. It has four large and bulky arms sticking out from the corners of the vehicle, each arm carries a gigantic thruster which fires out blue flames, causing steam and smoke to rise through the black sky. Each of the blocky arms extends a thin hydraulic landing leg beneath it reaching for the ground and compressing into the thick quagmire of mud when they hit the ground. The thrusters don’t stop firing when the ship settles on the ground, instead they keep loudly burning, flinging up dirt and water around the area.

Diane slows and breaks as her Campervan approaches the now stationary aircraft, large floodlights rise from several covered compartments on the hull and switch on, brightly illuminating the surroundings and the big letters printed across the apparent front of the ship, “Albatross – Heavy Lifter” it reads... This finally starts to spark some recognition with Diane, while she had never seen one in person, she did know this design but it looked very different from the 3D models. The Albatross had been created by several private space companies, being designed for long term operation in the worst possible conditions, however only four were ever built because of the ridiculous expense of construction.

With the van stopped still some distance from the base of the Albatross the odd vehicle’s full scale starts to sink in. It towers 5 storeys tall above the puny RV and roughly 100 meters wide at the top, but the hull angles inwards towards the bottom so the gigantic loading doors on each face are only roughly 80 meters wide. Yellow emergency lights start to flash and each of the huge doors slowly descends opens with the hissing sound of compressed air being released. Dark waterproof wearing figures can be seen moving around the harshly lit but oddly empty interior. The doors tilt downwards towards the ground and become long loading ramps leading up to the hold of the craft.

A loud voice starts erupting from some kind of speaker system onboard the ship, it announces that anyone may board the craft and people will be taken on a “first-come-first-served” basis. Diane and Georgia are already the closest group to the transport as they trundle their van towards the end of the ramp. As they approach, the figures which at first seemed ominous and almost threatening now look significantly less so, most of them wear obviously homemade body armour that’s been taped and strapped to generic crew overalls. Reassuringly the crew doesn’t appear emaciated like the hordes of refugees who are now shambling towards them, though they do wear the same faces of awkward bewilderment as everyone else.

One of the figures waves down Diane and moves down the ramp towards the RV, he reaches the foot of the ramp at about the same time as the van and signals for them to wind down the window. He says in a loud and commanding voice:

“I am Captain Clark of the RV Odyssey...” he pauses and looks up at all the antennas and dishes smattered across over the van before continuing “I take it you are the ones that responded to our transmission?”

“Yeah, ugh, that would be us.” sheepishly replies Georgia from the passenger seat, the captain nods and explains that they should come aboard but they can’t take the van, that all the space is needed to fit more people in. Diane and Georgia agree, and leave their trusty motor-home at the end of the ramp, that ugly mess of a vehicle has kept them safe for weeks and even though it was an uncomfortable and painful journey it really was their home, so as they board the unusual aircraft they bid it a silent and heart felt goodbye.

They follow the captain as they ascend up the ramp onto the main floor of the hold, the crew are all bustling around trying to organise all the other arriving refugees and attempting to persuade them to leave their vehicles behind. Georgia also spots that some of the crew aren’t dressed like all the others and are standing at the support columns; they wear full black combat armour and wield rifles... The captain says “Don’t worry about them,” apparently having noticed Georgia’s discomfort from the armed crewmen “we had some difficulty at a few other pickups.” he continues, but yet she still wishes that Diane had brought their gun with them from the van.
 
Diane chimes in with “So we weren’t the first group you came for?” this causes the captain to chuckle slightly at some unknown joke.

“Definitely not, although this is the first trip I have been on” he adds. He has led them towards one of the corners of the craft and guides them up a steep staircase into the crew area of the transport.

The crew area above is much quieter than down below, it’s still well lit but is made up of tight narrow passageways laid out in a maze-like pattern. They pass several doors being led towards the front of the craft and are let into the command area. The cabin walls are covered in screens showing information or camera feeds from outside and around the transport, there are computer stations equipped with tried operators filling the majority of the floor, but the central area is specially taken up with one large chair with the pilot sitting in it.

As they walk closer the exact kind of pilot that flew this ship became apparent. The back of his neck has a large port grafted into it made of metal, electric meshes and synthetic skin; the meshes spread further up his head and down his spine. Wires run out of the port, some down to connect into the floor of the room and the others into ports situated across his body, large goggles sat over his eyes also with wires running into them, the pilots shirt read “Andy” on a slightly tarnished nametag. Diane and Georgia have both seen cybernetics before, and hell, they even have their own neural meshes which only a few months ago they had used to browse the net and help with almost everything in their daily lives; but Andy’s modifications are both far more extensive and far less neat.

The captain looked ahead at the screen showing the front view of the ship and asked “How’s the pickup going Andy?” without any reaction or move from the seated pilot the speakers in the cabin answered with a deep computerised voice that says:

“Pickup is proceeding efficiently. There is less traffic here than on previous flights. We will be able to board all nearby individuals in thirty minutes with approximately twenty percent hold space remaining unoccupied.”

The captain nods in response and turns back to his new visitors before saying “now, I have some important things to talk to you about...” he goes on to explain how the Odyssey had gotten to this point, that it was a climatology ship built in the wake of the Pacific Incidents to help research efforts in Antarctica, they had mainly been studying the effects a recent solar flare potentially had on the climate, the flare had knocked out a lot of satellites especially low earth orbiting climate sats. Hope was that the Odyssey would be able to both make up for the loss of most of the satellites and try to study the exact thing that had knocked them out. Over 50 governments and 100 companies had poured resources and personnel into the Odyssey project, desperate for something to do to about the ever worsening crisis.

During its voyages Odyssey had collected plenty of information on the storms, but everything came back that there was no reason to explain the prevalence of floods and storms, the events they were seeing were supposed to take place over a hundred years not a fraction of that, no one’s simulations had even come close to this, and it only grew worse and worse as the mission went on. Eventually its mission was called off and it was reassigned to help with the aid efforts now underway on the east coast of the US, the Albatross heavy lifter was very useful for lifting supplies into the cities and the experienced crew were a great support to the ground teams... But even the aid teams started running out of supplies, eventually the cities were overrun with riots and looting, the governments abandoned them and fled inland, many of the officials didn’t make it very far either, getting swept up in the storms or set upon by the people they used to represent.

Odyssey lost more than half its crew as they fled, since then the captain has tried his best to pick up anyone they could from the shores and bring them aboard, recently they picked up an unusual transmission, it says that it’s coming from somewhere safe where there is food and shelter, that someone out there has a plan... It doesn’t say where its’ coming from though and with communications so sparse the Odyssey has put its hope in finding someone who had the knowledge to find out... that is why when they heard Diane and Georgia’s call they knew that they needed to pick them up.

With his long explanation done the captain leans against one of the banks of panels and sighs rubbing his eyes and forehead, he asks “so... do you think you can do it?”

Diane slowly nods as Georgia stares at the man overwhelmed, Diane gives her a nudge, “Come on Geo, we’re the best sat-comers in the business, I think I already know how to do it!” Georgia looks nervously back at her before also nodding at the captain.

“Yeah, we used to hook up, like, loads of news shows and interviews and stuff” adds Georgia hesitantly. They all go over to one of the free touch consoles and try to figure out what to do, the computer voice again chimes in over the speakers.

“Passengers stowed and crew returning to quarters. Commencing takeoff and return sequence.” At a brief thumbs up from the captain into the air the ship began to lift off.

Andy knew he was a person... but he also knew he was the Albatross, his eyes were the sensors that coated the craft, his limbs the thruster arms, his body the steel hull... When he wanted the ship to lift off he simply willed it, fighting against the strong wind felt like pushing a great weight. Every time he flew through the sky he felt free, even with the fuel level bubbling inside him like a hunger, his thrusters tilting like his hands or feet to move. When he thought about it he instantly knew the route he had to take, he could see it and feel it as he flew towards his roost, the Odyssey.

After a long but blissful flight he started to feel the hunger burning inside him, he needed refuelled, he needed rest but thankfully he could sense his rest on the horizon, it’s radio signals visible and tangible to him, it was but a speck at first but got larger and larger as Andy approached it, the titanic craft swayed wildly in the fierce seas beneath him. The Odyssey’s deck was crowded with people except for the bow, where the shadow of Andy loomed as he laid down against the ship, his thrusters clipping into their slots along the side of the hull. Andy finally let himself rest and the fuel nozzles automatically reattached to him as he fell asleep. Finally he breathed in and took off the goggles before beginning the long process of unplugging himself.

[End of Part 2]

Right. *Cracks knuckles*
I finally have time to look at this. My apologies for the (very, very long) delay.

Regarding the Plot

Yay for flying! The chances of Diane and Georgia drowning in the near future are less than in part 1!

The thing I'm most interested in is Andy. More future-confirmation, huzzah! Hopefully we see more from him in the future (and not being used to demonstrate the horrors of water combined with electricity. 'Cause that won't happen... right? Right?).

I find the Odyssey's need for tech/communication-savvy people a little hard to believe, but hey, the main characters need a way into the story. I don't know. Things seem a little bit too neat right now. I'm going to start mentally preparing for all of the bad things.

I'm less of a fan of the exposition dump. It's a personal preference, but I like characters to converse when they gain information. But hey, it's fast this way, and we're still heading towards things going to the land of Terrible Bad Things.

Regarding the Writing

First up, let's talk about what I mentioned after the last part.

Tenses: Ah-ha, I see that you have chosen present tense! You are a braver person than I am. I shan't bother looking through for errors in this regard as that'll get fiddly. Better to focus on larger things before the small, no?

Sentence Length: Hmm... I'd say this is still an issue. You have a tendency to include every element on a topic in the same sentence.

Let's take a look at the second paragraph. (Note: I've separated each sentence so they stand out more. There is no need to make your paragraphs shorter).

Diane slows and breaks as her Campervan approaches the now stationary aircraft, large floodlights rise from several covered compartments on the hull and switch on, brightly illuminating the surroundings and the big letters printed across the apparent front of the ship, “Albatross – Heavy Lifter” it reads... //

This finally starts to spark some recognition with Diane, while she had never seen one in person, she did know this design but it looked very different from the 3D models. //

The Albatross had been created by several private space companies, being designed for long term operation in the worst possible conditions, however only four were ever built because of the ridiculous expense of construction.

There are three sentences present in this paragraph. The first focuses on the camper van's approach/describing the aircraft. The second focuses on Diane's recognition. The third, the aircraft's history. The trouble is, there are too many elements contained in each sentence. It becomes hard to read.

I'd suggest replacing commas with full stops, but that might cause the opposite problem (that being sentence fragments). Perhaps try reading some sentences out loud. If you end up naturally treating a comma like a full stop when you read it, chances are that it should be a full stop.

Dialogue (New Sentences): All issues have been cleaned up.

Paragraphing: *claps.* Nicely done. Your paragraphs are good-sized, and they have length variety. (You're much better than I am now. Like I said, mine always end up far too short). Ka pai!


Now, onto new things.

Dialogue (Punctuation): This bit contains rules that can't really get broken. Plus, I'm not great at explaining it.

Pretty much all dialogue begins with a capital letter. The only exception is where the dialogue itself is interrupted, and does not end in a full stop.

For instance: The captain nods in response and turns back to his new visitors before saying “now, I have some important things to talk to you about...”

The word "Now" should be a capital letter, because the captain had not been speaking. It is the beginning of a new sentence.

The captain nods in response. "Blah," he says. "Blah blah blah."
The captain nods in response. "Blah," he says, "blah blah blah."
The captain nods in response before saying, "Blah blah blah blah."
(Finally, borrowing off of you)
“I am Captain Clark of the RV Odyssey.” He pauses and looks up at all the antennas and dishes smattered across over the van before continuing. “I take it you are the ones that responded to our transmission?”

Numbers: You probably already know this one, plus it's more of a style choice than anything else. It's good to keep in mind though. I think the general rule for essay writing is "If the number is less than ten, write it as a word. If it is more than 10, write it as a number." You've followed this rule. But writing numbers in prose generally seems a bit immersion breaking. (This is only my opinion though, so feel free to completely and utterly toss this point out a window without a jetpack or other method of flight).

Ellipsis: I'll admit that my first thought when I saw them were: "What the heck, why are these present, what are they doing here." Again, it's a style choice. It's also bad form to have ellipsis in the middle of a paragraph. It's fine at the end or beginning of one, but....

Ok, while that was self-demonstrating, I obviously am too strongly biased to give a valid tip in this. I'm trying very hard to avoid this point devolving into "wrong this is wrong wrong ahhhh wrong." It is NOT wrong. It is different. Ellipsis are supposed to show trailing off, long pauses, and so on. I'm just used to one particular format.

...Maybe go ask someone else.


Please keep in mind that with almost every writing "rule," it is perfectly fine to toss it out the window in favour of clarity and/or story.

Like if Diane is in a panic, not knowing where to turn, where to go, what to do, and everything is crashing down, flattening all over her without a single point of reference and everything is going wrong to the point where her last moments may be flashing before her eyes, it is fine to suddenly lose all the full stops, all the short sentences, and just race and race and race.

^ Although personally, I would write that with full stops instead of commas. (Plus tweak it a bit to better fit full stops). Fragment sentences are fun, yo.