SUMMERSEND FESTIVAL DISASTER!A peaceful gathering turns into a nightmareArticle by Pengu
It was only moments before the end of Wintreath’s Summersend Festival. Citizens were enjoying themselves and getting drunk off of the seemingly endless supply of “Tiki Thunderbolt” provided by the festival’s Tiki Lounge. Then, in one drunken rage one of the citizens stood up on the table claiming to be the Tiki God of Thunder, and began throwing arrows and other pointed objects at people. In panic, these fearful patrons left the lounge, but that didn’t stop the deranged patron known as Mathyland from following in pursuit.
“People were screaming, and when I looked I saw some crazy guy with weird makeup and a badly made loincloth (you could totally see his...you know) chasing everyone.” said citizen Taulover. “We were just having an innocent water balloon fight, and he comes charging through and threatening everyone with with arrows to the face if we all didn’t leave the festival.” recalls citizen Elbbas. “Naturally, my friend Doc and I didn’t fall for it and continued our fight. I think poor Doc is still in critical condition now.”
With the appearance of this deranged psychopath, the festival itself was a ghost town for some time until the police finally arrived. “Yeah, this guy was wanted over in the next county for yelling at people that it was Sparta, and then kicking them to the ground.” says Officer Colby. “We’re just lucky we got here before he had actually killed anyone.”
You might be wondering...just what was the monarch doing in the heat of all of this chaos? “Oh Wintermoot? Yeah, our king was too busy having his sexy fun times with our Jarl of Culture.” recounts citizen Red Mones. “I watched as he spiked our Jarl’s drink, and then through a series of hijinks got him to go to his “private quarters” where I can only imagine what they were doing. But even while everyone was running in terror and screaming, you could only hear the sounds of laughter, things that can’t be talked about in polite company, and I swear I even heard a cow at one point.”
And that, folks, is the disaster that struck our humble Summersend Festival near its closing night. Thankfully the psychopath Mathyland was caught by police and taken into custody. The festival was able to resume without a hitch, and there’s still no word from our Monarch or our Jarl of Culture Gerrick, who still seem to be locked in that room together.
INTERVIEW WITH A STRANGERArticle by Tiny Tiger (aka Pengu)
Tiny: Tiny now in...in...in..ter...view puny human about Fes...ti...val. Thank you puny human for coming!
Crushita: How dare you, I am the Potato Pope, and I will not stand for some heretic tiger grabbing me off of the streets like this!
Tiny: Silence! You will answer Tiny questions!
Crushita: I will do no such thing, GUARDS! Guards?! Gah, useless good for nothings.
Tiny: Guards no match for Tiny. Now puny potato man, tell Tiny about favorite part of festival, or Tiny wish crush you!
Crushita: How barbaric! Fine you uncultured feline, I’ll do as you ask for now, but I hope you burn at the stake! Anyways, my favorite part of the festival would have to be the water balloon fight. Even though my incompetent team members lost.
Tiny: Ha. Ha. Tiny love throwing water balloons!
Crushita: Watch it, you almost got me wet you buffoon!
Tiny: Tiny no baboon, he tiger! Potato man know nothing!
Crushita: I said buffoon...it’s an expression you monkey.
Tiny: Ha. Ha. Potato man keep thinking Tiny a Monkey, he must be stupid!
Crushita: Right. Whatever you say.
Tiny: What Potato man’s least favorite part of festival?
Crushita: That god awful exorcism--
Tiny: Whaaat? Potato man no love exercise? But exercising good for you, look at Tiny muscles!
Crushita: No no that’s not what….oh nevermind, I don’t know why I’m trying to explain it you. On the plus side though, that whole bumbling affair turned out to be a surprise party. Although I’m suffering from broken legs thanks to my tumble, I at least got a gorgeous new staff out of the deal.
Tiny: What is staff?
Crushita: It’s...well...It’s like a big tall stick made of metal that you can hit people with.
Tiny: Oooh, that sound fun, Tiny like.
Crushita: Yes, it’s very fun. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have more important things to do...like finding a certain penguin and introducing him to my new staff for putting me through that exorcism ordeal!
Tiny: Heh. Tiny like crushing penguins. Well, that all for today.