Once upon a time, there lived a man named Roy. Roy had a sharp knife he rarely used. When he did, his freezer usually got fresh meat and ended up filled. His freezer broke one fateful day, and flies started flying into his fresh meat. The flies turned out to be mutant exploding flies, and his freezer exploded. Roy called the mechanic to get the freezer fixed because he really liked stocking the freezer with ice cream, too.
Hours later, the mechanic arrived...but he was not what anyone would expect a mechanic to look nor be like. His mechanic was actually a man eating potato who attempted to burn him at the stake. Roy was terrified, yet oddly hungry at the same time as he whipped out a questionable looking flamethrower, pointing at the man-eating potato. Unfortunately for Roy, he had left his flamethrower fuel in his freezer, for reasons he couldn't quite remember. Panicking, he picked up what looked to be miniature ducks in Hawaiian shirts--gifts from his friend Terry--as he began tossing them at the man-eating potato. Amazingly enough, the potato was allergic to the adorable miniature ducks in Hawaiian shirts and he broke out in hives, but he was still able to throw a mighty punch at Roy.
Satisfied, Roy used the moment of weakness to run to his freezer, not realizing that it had exploded as the mutant flies had swarmed at him and missed...accidentally flying at the man-eating potato and exploding. The potato was thoroughly mashed by the flies and fell to the floor dead, but the freezer was still broken. "And that was why I couldn't turn in my homework today." Roy explained to his teacher as the scene flashed back to him sitting in his desk in the classroom.
The teacher began to speak, but, suddenly, a gunman armed with a Nerf rifle ran into the classroom and began firing wildly. Fortunately, all teachers in his school were trained and armed with AK-47's and the assailant was quickly dealt with. The teacher was then arrested for manslaughter, as the gunman was not armed with any lethal weaponry. Roy, being the only witness, was called to testify at court.
Unfortunately, the courtroom that Roy was called into was about vehicular homicide and was called as part of the jury. Despite Roy being only 10, he was forced to hear about the horrific crime in which 5 baby ducks were murdered in cold blood. For his reward, he was given an AK-47 toy that shot chocolate bon bons. The bon bons however, gave him terrible indigestion and he was taken to the hospital. Poor Roy's luck seemed to continue to go downhill once he discovered that it was a CLOWN hospital...something he was terrified of. Fortunately, the Clown Hospital was only its name, and when he entered, he saw no clowns. Unfortunately, Clown Hospital was an ironic name and the staff were demon-possesed psychotics.
As he walked in, he saw sets of hungry, murderous eyes staring at him, as he stayed close to his mother the entire time. As he turned toward his mother for reassurement, he realized that SHE was also a demon-possessed psychotic! Fortunately for Roy, he was also a demon-possessed psychotic, and was part of the Cult of the Holy Clowntato.
As his conscious self began to become aware of the nonsense of the events that had happened to him that day, Roy suddenly woke up and sat up straight in his bed, sweating over that terrible nightmare. At least that is what Roy believed, in reality this itself was a dream. Not satisfied with the Inception-esque events that had transpired, he began to stuff Popsicles into his shirt. Unfortunately for Roy, it was one of the hottest days in history...causing the Popsicles to melt in his shirt. The Popsicles fused into his skin and made him into Popsicle-man, the hero nobody wanted nor needed.
Brandishing a lavish cape, Roy ran away from home after pelting his mother with Popsicles that he could now shoot at will. On his journey away from home, shooting Popsicles all the while, he accidentally hit Garrett, the neighborhood police officer. Enraged, Garrett began yelling and cursing at Roy. Roy, being only 10, began to cry for his mom...forgetting that he had knocked her unconscious after pelting her with Popsicles. He then realized that he was confusing reality with the dream and that he was in fact an adult. But alas, it was to late as Garrett was a dirty cop and began to beat him with his baton, breaking his legs. And his arms. And all fourteen of his noses.
Roy was getting annoyed as he woke up yet again, this time in a bed surrounded by twenty hookers. This was because he too was a hooker and they all lived together in the hooker house. Suddenly, a man rode in the room on a horse, shouting, "The Redcoats are coming!" Roy barely had enough time to get dressed as a group of clowns wearing red coats burst into the room, looking murderous.
Meanwhile Republic forces arrived out of hyperspace, and began attacking the Separatist fleet that was in orbit over Luna. A few missiles accidentally fell onto Earth's surface, killing millions. Russia began launching nukes in response to the Republic's arrival. I must be playing too many Empire at War mods, thought Roy as he began fighting the clowns, trying to hide his fear by daydreaming. Little did Roy know a Russian nuke was inadvertently going to hit his house and get America involved in the war. Fortunately, due to the sudden influx of Star Wars, SDI actually worked and deflected the Russian nuke, keeping the rest of the space battle firmly within Roy's imagination.
Outside of all of the chaos within his imagination, Roy had a secret desire in life. It was in fact something very embarrassing. Roy wanted to be like his idol, Kurt Cobain, so much that he bought himself a shotgun. The shotgun was however imaginary, just like everything else in this dream. However, he did buy an AK-47; at least that was real. He used the AK-47 to do good in the world, like ploughing a farm or feeding starving people popsicles.
