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My dog died tonight. 15 years spent with him, and I feel no different. My mom was crying and crying and I didn't know what to do except offer platitudes. It was pretty much the same when my grandma died too. She raised me and I felt nothing when she passed.

I don't know what's wrong with me. I feel like I'm broken.

I think felt similarly when my grandfather died as well as when two of my cats died -- one was 21 (and I was present at his death) and the other 12. I think I kind of went from denial to acceptance and skipped the other stages of grief. I was not sad, rather I more pitied their deaths -- the idea of their no longer existence was sad, but it did not bring about any real emotions from me. I don't think it means we are broken, but probably just a bit out of touch with our emotions -- though I'm not sure whether that is a good or bad thing.

Yeah, I get it. It kind of feels the same. To me, it feels different with loved ones gone, it disturbs me a bit, but that's pretty much the extent of how it makes me feel. I don't really go through the stages either. Loss simply is what it is.

I know I'm very emotionally immature. I can't really distinguish my emotions properly most of the time. I'm not surprised that maybe there's something wrong with how I process loss and/or grief given that I've long had the suspicion that there's something wrong with how I process love. I've asked a lot of people over the years "how does love feels?" and I've never really felt what was described. I always felt something more akin to dedication, none of that seemingly electric and wonderful stuff people talk about. It might also be that people exaggerate, or that I'm expecting too much. I don't know. All I know is that when I say "I love you" to somebody, I'm not sure I mean the same thing it means to others.

It's a struggle I've had to fight a lot over the years. I've had close family call me heartless, even neighbours avoiding us all because they thought I was a psychopath in the making. There are times where I barely feel human at all, like something huge is missing and I don't know what it is and I'll never know.

Holy damn, today was a long day. My family is in the process of moving, so I had to help lift everything out of my bedroom and transfer it to the new place 15 minutes away. This moving thing is why I haven't been on as much lately, because I hadn't had time to post and because we had to reconnect the computer (I still don't have a permanent computer and will have to buy on of my own later this month.) And then I had a 6-hour shift at work later that night. It's been fun.

Oh, and happy Canada Day! (A belated one to those in Atlantic Canada.)

You haven't been on because you want to get away from meeeeeeeeeee.



In any case, I kinda sorta feel like the region is starting to get on better footing. I was pleasantly surprised at how much interest there was in the new Spyfall game, and I hope that my variant will be interesting to play. I've also been trying to straighten out our military and foreign affairs area, and trying to get the Cabinet in order. Fortunately, Emoticonius has crafted another puzzle for our embassies that will go out soon, and I'm happy that North is hosting a Werewolf game...I'm sure that he will do great at it.

That being said, I'm still determined to just put in a few hours of work a day on it, and then make time for other things I want to do...I've been doing a lot of reading lately, and not doing so much 'work' has allowed me time to chat and connect with people on IRC too, which has been awesome. I've also been trying to improve my performance at work, which I have to admit has often come in second place in favour of Wintreath...overall, I feel like these changes are making me a better person overall, and in turn will make me a better leader here than simply delving into work would.

So....monogamy is hard. For the past 6 years I was with the same guy, in an open relationship that at times was a poly triad. That ended last september and I almost didn't make it through last winter. Now I'm with a guy and I couldn't be happier. He's sweet and kind and great in bed. I seriously couldn't ask for more. But I'm worried I'm gonna ruin things. I'd gotten so used to flirting with others and occasionally hooking up with people that it's kind of become second nature. I haven't cheated on him and I don't think I will but I know I have a tendency to flirt with people...a lot. He doesn't mind that at all though. He thinks its cute when I'm flirty with people. I don't really know where I'm going with this. I guess I'm just complaining? But I worry about it some days. Like, is it wrong to ask for a threesome sometime?

Last night around 3AM a car crashed into a transformer causing a gas line to explode. The explosion happened about 15 miles from my house but it was so loud! The explosion shook my house too. I was able to see the flames from my window! My brothers and I drove towards it and got kinda close, but the city's power went out and with the traffic lights down, decided to get on the freeway before accidents started happening. The city it happened in was evacuated until this morning. I've never heard an explosion so big and loud in my life. It was crazy!

So I've completely finished implementing FEEL, for the most part. It's a little brain-dead in an area.

Some FEEL Code

Code: [Select]

(defgObject Wall (game_basics.Terrain) ((Python (def __init__(self):\n  super().__init__(["./assets/wall.png"])\n))))
(defgObject False_Wall (game_basics.Terrain) ((Python (def __init__(self):\n  super().__init__(["./assets/wall.png"])\n))))
(defgObject Door (game_basics.Room_Exit) ((Python (def __init__(self, movement=1):\n  super().__init__(["./assets/door.png"], movement)\n))))
(defgObject Pot (game_basics.Destructable_Container) ((Python (def __init__(self, contains):\n super().__init__(["./assets/pot.png"])\n))))

Basically FEEL code creating a few game-objects. It also has to use Python Code because otherwise it kinda gets weird...and doesn't completely work without using python due to the necessity of using super()

Having recently played Mafia as a party game, I can now say that forum Werewolf is vastly superior.

hey guys! i dont know if anyone noticed but i've been gone for a week since i took a small family vacation to my grandmothers house for her birthday. it was nice. anyway ill be back on IRC and here. hope you guys have been doing well.

I have returned from holiday! All is well

I just noticed: Happy Fourth of July!

Happy Freedom Day!

"A man who has not better government of his tongue, no more command of his temper, is unfit for everything but children's play and the company of boys." -John Adams

I've been reading the biography of John Adams by David McCullough, and that quote that he wrote in his diary struck me, particularly when it comes to NationStates. Many a diplomatic incident or loss of prestige and reputation came when people lost their temper and couldn't control themselves...in fact, people intentionally try to provoke their opponents as part of NSGP. I can't deny that I had my fair share of outbursts when I was new...considering myself both passionate and emotional...but if there's any lesson I've learned in this game, it's this.

A few years ago I was one of those moral defenders who would never shut up about it... I'm glad that phase ended.

Now I just talk to everyone. I'm a member of The Grey Wardens with one nation and an ambassador to HYDRA and The Invaders with another. And I'm also part of multiple Skype group chats with Grand Central members, and an active member here, two more regions which don't get along with TGW very well.

We don't get along with TGW? News to me.

I thought most defender groups are somewhat anti-Wintreath?