Oh wow, didn't even realize I was pinged in this.
I'm doing alright. He never responded to my text, so I assumed that he was just not wanting anything to do with it and moved on. I sent him another text a couple of days telling him that silence worked too, that I hoped that everything went well for him, and thanked him for the great times that we did have together...that I'd always treasure them.
And he still never responded, so I just deleted his number and moved on.
I think he's the only guy so far that I've really been attracted to on both levels, which probably is what made things harder. He was someone that ticked all of the boxes and really seemed like the perfect match all around. But that was probably part of the problem as well. I had placed so much faith in him in such a short time, that a change up in routine had me thinking the worst. Perhaps it was warranted and maybe he wasn't entirely being truthful, perhaps it wasn't warranted and he was being honest in his reasonings for the change up. I really don't know, and I really just don't care anymore. I'll just assume in my head that he was probably seeing someone on the side which was the reasoning for his increased silence, and when I broke up with him he was probably relieved that he didn't have to deal with my consistent nagging about his activities. That makes it easier to deal with than thinking that he was completely honest the entire time and just distanced himself after we broke up so that he didn't have to deal with what probably came off as crazy to him.
Off that note,
I had one of my unique dreams again, though this one was much more...I guess grounded in a realistic sense, since there was really nothing unusual or odd about it like most of my dreams. But it was still one that stayed with me just because of how it progressed.
So I'm in a room of sorts. My dream self felt little connection to it in the sense that it felt like a hotel room. However, I also knew I was going to be there for quite some time, so it seemed like more of an apartment. Plus, it was set up like an apartment since it had a fully equipped kitchen, multiple doors (as opposed to usually at most 2 + a closet), a living room area with one of those doors leading to a bedroom, and likewise the living room was fully equipped with furniture, a stereo with decent speakers, a television, and more.
I'm "waking up", and in a way this is a place I'm already familiar with, since this clearly doesn't feel like my first time waking up to it. I'm walking through the place, everything feels the same...except in the kitchen, I'm noticing two doors that I've never seen before.
One is near the fridge and for some reason, I feel incredibly reluctant about wanting to check it out, sort of like the feeling you get when you're contemplating going through an attic that you know is filled to the brim with spider webs as well as actual spiders on those webs (which was actually sort of the thought in my head in the dream).
The other is on the opposite side, slightly closer to the living room. Unlike the other door, I really feel none of that sense with that door, so I check it out. I open the door, and suddenly once again I'm "waking up" in that apartment...only this time outside of those doors, I'm noticing things are different.
For starters, the speakers for the stereo look a lot nicer...like damn I wish I had those speakers in real life. They were sleak and futuristic looking, and I imagine the sound quality of them was probably unmatched (I didn't unfortunately try them out), and they were a mix of a nice blue as well as black, which made that sleak nature really stand out. For some reason, the dream me assumed the owner had come in and replaced the speakers with better ones.
But apparently unlike the previous times, the clock in the living room was playing music for the first time...you know, as if the alarm was set to "Radio" and was going off. It surprised me a bit since I'd apparently never heard it gone off before.
Finally, in the kitchen was a new...really unusual type of thing now that I'm thinking about it now. It looked sort of like a thermostat, but when you turned the dial a bit, it dispensed water (which amusingly went right on the floor and made me worry if too much hit it). It weirdly enough was like a sink (which my dream self immediately assumed it was), but like...some type of new age sink with no bottom to it. This consideration was strengthened when my dream self turned the dial further, and it dispensed some hand soap from the bottom, which fueled my awe and surprise even more.
I ended up waking up again, only this time actually waking up in my bed, or at least the dream version of my actual room. I contemplated what the dream was about (although for some reason, my "thoughts" kept trying to tie it to my potential/eventual trip to China, as well as some romance that came out of nowhere that was apparently suggested/in the dream even though there was nothing actually in it to indicate anything of the sort?), and then went back to sleep...by which I mean I closed my eyes, and actually woke up for real this time.
Boy, I hate those "You're waking up in another dream" moments. It really makes me question if I'm actually really awake. Like...my writing this now, is it just another dream that I'm going to wake up from?
In reality, my actual thoughts on the first dream was like it was some kind of test, looking at PT as an example. The only difference is that PT had a singular door, and the place got worse with each time you went through it, only leading to freedom when you continuously showed resolve regardless of how bad things got. With this dream, there was two doors...one apparently giving a small sense of dread that made me hesitate in wanting to explore it, and the other that was absent of that dread, and that I did go through.
However, while I can't think of what that dread could be applied to in real life at the moment, I do think that was the door I was supposed to go through, but was too afraid to. But I chose the other door, and that was clearly the wrong choice, because I was still in the same room that I had known I'd been in for quite some time (making me now think back at Silent Hill 4: The Room). Sure, things had changed and there were some nicer things, but rather than trying again and going through the other door, I was immediately distracted by those nicer things. I wanted to play with the stereo and try out the new speakers, even though I was worried that the neighbors wouldn't like it. I was enthralled by the music coming from the clock radio, because it was both surprising to hear and it sounded awesome (I don't even remember what it was, I just remember that it was actually pretty awesome music). The unusual water dispensing thermostat thing completely blew me away because of just how unusual it was. My desire to get out of that room was temporarily on hold because of the new shiny objects that appeared in the room, and made me want to stay in it longer rather than trying to go through the door again.
I dunno, maybe it's sort of representative of my life at the moment. Deep down I'm really excited for this new job, because it's something that will shake up the monotony of my life and introduce actual change. But I also know that in a way, I'm also terrified because it's something different, and with all of the news that keeps coming up about China, I'm also worried that it isn't going to happen, and the monotony is going to continue: I'll continuously dream of better, but be afraid to actually pursue it. And rather than getting myself in a position to pursue it with ease, I'll take the other route and just soothe myself with nicer things, being only temporarily satisfied with newer games and electronics, and just repeating the cycle...despite deep down wanting to get out of the cycle that I feel like I'm almost trapped on.
