I was going through some old files on my computer and happened to find a AIM conversation with a girl I was involved with...the last conversation we had. Something had happened the last time we talked...I don't remember what, but in the end we decided that we should go our separate ways. At the end she said she would most likely never talk to me again, and she was right.
The file is dated April 24, 2005.
I had just turned 19 the month before, and things were changing fast. Whereas before I had been involved with only girls, she would be the last one I'd be involved with for eight years. I would only now begin exploring my feelings for guys, although I had realized I was into them two years before this, and for years I'd exclusively be into guys, to the point that I eventually decided I was gay...or at least only theoretically bi...for a long time. At the time we had that conversation, I remember being sure it was for the best for both of us, and she seemed sure too.
But looking back, I just feel regret, for letting a friendship slip away for no good reason if nothing else. It's not like either of us had
done anything to warrant not talking to each other. And who knows what might have been? I remember her as a fun, spunky, creative person...had a unique quirky personality that made me smile...one of the things I liked about her. But she was just a good friend, and was supportive of me exploring my sexuality after we were no longer involved. So why did it up the way it did? It didn't really have to be that way, did it?
I've always been someone that's dwelled in the past a lot, although not as much now as I used to be. Sometimes I think of people I knew and talked to years ago and wonder if they ever think of me too. If they ever think of the times we had and smile, or if it's all been long-forgotten and I'm the only person that remembers and reminisces about these things.
It reminds me of a wallpaper I found in the same old files, that I apparently saved in 2006:
Remember the paths that once crossed...