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Official Title pending, working title: "The Red Tears of Eclenia."
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    Today I am giving you the first look at my actual book. I know right, that's fucking crazy talk coming from this guy. But for real I've actually made progress, eleven thousand words of it to be precise. Eleven thousand first draft words but it's a damn good start to something that took me a year to even start and three months to get past the first page. So since you guys have been so damn awesome and read the long series of lore and histories, I am posting chapter one for you guys to read and if you're up for it throw me back some feedback on. I may be in part writing this for myself but my first large scale goal is to put it out for the public to read, enjoy, and as Crush has already assured me, write sexual fanfictions about *face palms* that last one was in part a joke but I don't think any storytelling media can escape rule 34 if it gets popular enough.

    So without further ado, I present Chapter One of the first draft of my novel.
    Spoiler

    Dark clouds in a gray sky wept over no-man’s-land, the tranquil sound of the rain setting a beautiful contradiction to the scene of the ugly shell sundered ground between the trench lines.

    A Lieutenant in a muddied dark blue uniform peaked his head over the parapet of his trench and peered through his binoculars at his enemy counterparts across the field.

    He spotted a man in a black hat with a red feathered plume attempting to light a pipe with what both of them knew to be wet matches.

    The Lieutenant took pity on his enemy brethren, he had been fortunate to get a rubber lined pocket from his brother, keeping both his matches and his tobacco dry on the wet days like this.

    He observed the enemy soldier try again and again to light his pipe, breaking multiple matches without even a spark to show for it. The lieutenant found it strange, only three years ago the man he was looking at was his countryman, from his perspective he still was, even if this man was a rebel.

    The Lieutenant shook his head and dropped down from the parapet with a loud splash. He suddenly regretted his method of coming down as freezing muddy water sloshed into his boots soaking his last pair of clean dry socks.

    “I do believe you’ve been given a taste of karma Lieutenant.” a voice said before laughing

    The lieutenant looked up towards the source of the voice and saw a private whose uniform was freshly splattered with mud.

    “You know private, I think you’re right.” The Lieutenant replied with a wince.

    “Anything interesting to see up there?” The private asked wiping mud off of his tunic.

    The lieutenant shrugged, “nothing but a naive Merchant who doesn’t know to keep his matches dry.”

    The two soldiers laughed.

    It was then that they heard a new noise in the air, it was faint at first hard to distinguish from the rain.

    “Do you hear something?”

    The noise soon became clearer. A sharp whistling noise that screeched from the skies, it turned both of them pale.

    “Take cover lieutenant!” Was the last thing the Lieutenant heard before the ground was rocked as artillery shells hurtled into the ground before exploding lashing up mud, blood, and steel shot into the air in great geysers before falling back to the earth on top of the trenches.

    \/\/\/\/\/

    Hundreds of miles to the east on that same gloomy and overcast day, in a small room of the Imperial Palace, seated around a large table containing a number of maps, was the Empress Maria Sotiris holding a war council. She cast an intimidating figure wearing her military uniform, her chest was lined with medals attesting to her majesty, and her exhausted, yet proud motherly face was well defined by her grim Eclenian blue eyes that had seen so much in her forty two years.

    “My Empress?” someone said

    The Empress regained her focus and looked for the source of the voice who had called to her, finding the concerned expression of her personal aide Colonel Jaksin.
    “I’m fine Jaksin, forgive me, I got lost in my thoughts, please continue General,” She replied.

    Closest to the Empress were the Corps Commanders, General Titus Greene, and General Grant Hadley, two men of equal power in their respective theaters of war, but that was where the similarities ended between them.

    To the Empress’s left was Greene, a short, frail old man with massive white mutton chops. He was only a week away from retiring when the war broke out, and had been forced to remain in command of his Second Corps, as well as all operations on the western front ever since. He was certainly not the greatest general in the army. His battlefield experience before the Civil War was limited to his service in the Yapian War almost fifty years ago as a young lieutenant, which had ended with him being branded a coward, something which had followed him his whole career. His label had made him one of the least respected officers in the army outside of his own command, and even though he had fought tooth and nail for every meter of ground in the west, he hadn’t won many battles making him both a coward, and a loser to many, not least of which was the newspapers. Through all of that though, even as frail as he was with demons standing close behind him, General Titus Greene stood tall in his uniform proudly bearing the two roaring lions upon his shoulders that symbolised his rank, his piercing Eclenian Blue eyes aflame with determination seldom found in anyone a third his age.

    “Thank you my Empress,” Greene said with a salute and a bow, “As we discussed earlier, to my shame my forces were pushed back eight kilometers by the Merchant’s recent offensive. Unfortunately among the territory lost, the Rebels captured a number of our frontline supply depots before the equipment stored there could be retrieved.” He pointed to the positions on the map.

    “Hah! Yet another example of why an incompetent old fool such as you shouldn’t be in command of anything more than a commissary Greene,” General Hadley huffed with amusement.

    To the Empress’s right was General Grant Hadley a tall broad shouldered man with dark brown hair trimmed to regulation along with a clean shaven face and a uniform so well washed it looked as though it was his first time wearing it. He was the commander of the Fourth Corps, and all forces on the Northern Front, as well as a favourite among the press and the senate for his victories. He was also one of the most arrogant glory hounds in the army, who truly believed he was the greatest general Eclenia ever produced, second only to Empress Maria, and behind closed doors it seemed he thought himself even greater than her.

    “My glorious Empress, as we were speaking of the distribution of supplies do not route more to this coward and his ill led troops. If I may be so bold, I suggest you route the supplies to my command, my planned offensive against the Merchants will surely bring this war to a swift end and bring those traitors in Redris to justice.” Hadley said.

    “That’s ridiculous even for you Hadley. First of all, assuming you get what you want, first you’d have to relieve the rest of your Corps in Haragladia before you could even begin to launch an invasion of Republican home territory. By the time that’s happened my defenses in the west will have fallen and the rebels will be burning and killing their way to Fenrock. My Empress I plead that you give the supplies to my forces so that I may retake the territory I lost and perhaps gain more.”

    “The rest of the Fourth will be fine, they’ve held out for three years without our help why would they need it now? The few Merchant forces there will be no match for them, and while they are distracted I will bring the hammer of justice upon the rebel capital and end this conflict by the Feast of the Martyrs. Besides Greene, you should be worried about your own abysmal command, you who had the opportunity to end this war before it could get so far out of hand facing a bunch of disorganised rabble, but you couldn’t even accomplish that. My plan is foolproof, when my army crosses the River Vos the Merchants will have no choice but to abandon their offensive in the west relieving your ragtag defenses. No matter the cost I will push to Redris and take the Merchant leaders effectively beheading this rebellion.”

    “Defeat is better than victory at the cost of too many Hadley, as I recall that so-called victory you so proudly boast of to the senate and newspapers cost you 12,000 men. Two whole Legions and half of another, and for what? One fortress which has been rendered strategically unimportant. I wouldn’t entrust you to command even a contubernium out of fear that you’d sacrifice them all to capture one enemy lieutenant.”

    “And what accomplishments can you boast of Greene? Oh that’s right, not one. Gain a victory and perhaps you’ll be worthy of speaking to me as such. Your miserable corps has been sent fresh troops time and time again, and time and time again all you’ve had to show for it are bodies for mother’s to set upon the pyres. If either of us is wasteful General it is you.”

    The two men were just about ready to exchange blows when, “Generals! Save your anger for the enemy and perhaps we can win this war.” The Empress growled, thoroughly irritated by the exchange.

    “Forgive my rudeness Empress,” Greene apologized with a bow.

    “I will attempt to contain myself Empress, I am sorry,” Hadley said fiddling with the medals on his chest flustered.

    There was a quiet but still very audible chuckle that came from the opposite end of the table.

    “Blackwood, do you have something you wish to add to the conversation? You seem to be struggling to hold something back,” The Empress said her expression now visibly frustrated.

    At the opposite end of the table was the famous Colonial Triumvirate. At its center was General Makram Blackwood, a man with handsome features, worn by war and other unhealthy practices. He had a scruffy beard and pitch black hair, as well as characteristically tan skin revealing his Al-Lation half. He sat comfortably reclined in his chair with his dress tunic unbuttoned and open as if he were at home with a glass of Haragladian scotch in his hand. Anyone outside of the Eclenian army would find it hard to believe that this man was in fact the commander of the Eclenian Fifth Corps, a force more than one million men strong. He had remained silent through most of the meeting aside from the occasional grunt or jeer at his two colleagues Greene and Hadley. Men who in his eyes were near incompetent amateurs.

    Blackwood smiled at the Empress’s loss of patience with him. He sat up in his seat and said “I do actually my Empress. We are of course discussing the distribution of supplies. It seems these two believe they should receive everything our reserves have to offer. As you and I are well aware, our country is not in so poor a shape that we can only supply one of our frontlines. I would suggest what you are probably already thinking and distribute the supplies fairly between these two. What is fair I will leave to you my liege.”

    Maria shook her head partly with amusement and partly with general thought. Blackwood was correct in his assessment. “That is actually a good idea Blackwood,” She complimented him with slight sarcasm, but her expression had softened, if only slightly. Blackwood always knows how to lighten the mood with his charm, she thought.

    The Empress took a moment to think, then cleared her throat and said, “I will split the majority of supplies seventy-thirty. Greene, the loss of the depots was a humiliation to your Corps and the Empire, but I know you are trustworthy to make good use of the seventy percent I am giving you… I expect to see those depots retaken, with luck, the supplies there haven’t been cleared out by the Merchants yet. Hadley the other thirty percent I give to you, as you have already acquired more men and resources by your own means, along with the extra 60,000 men you were provided from the new national conscription program.” The Empress discretely gritted her teeth with anger at the mention of the conscripts.

    Hadley shot from his chair, “My Liege, thirty percent… is not nearly enough for me to mount my planned offensive. I need more than thirty percent if I am to bring the Merchants to heel. My Empress if it is to succeed I need everything that can be provided!”

    Before Greene, or the Empress could retort, Blackwood openly laughed. “As much as it pains me to agree with such an ametuer, General Greene has a point about your glorious offensive. If you were to launch it properly you would be bogged down clearing out garrisons and relieving the rest of the proper Fourth Corps in the north, while Greene’s men run out of supplies and their line collapses. If you were hoping to use one of the northern railways then I am sorry to inform you but those have all been destroyed by the Fourth Corp’s very own Haragladian Commandos in an effort to deny rapid transport to the rebels in the north. Even a cadet could spot the many fatal flaws in your plan.”

    “The Heartlands would not fall, not while the brave First Corps defends it. My invasion has already been approved by the senate, and I speak for myself when I say their trust is not misplaced, my tactics have yet to fail me. Do you place such unreasonable doubt in my ability to lead General Blackwood?”

    “Quite frankly yes. If it weren’t for your backing by the senate a far more competent man would be standing in place of you; a general who boasts the highest desertion rate in the army, and only shies away from the highest casualty rates by having command over a stagnant and inactive theater of war.”

    Hadley grasped the hilt of his sword, “How dare you Sir! If anything is to blame for the desertion rates of my corps it is the poor training those pathetic insects that call themselves soldiers receive. Such cowards are nothing but dead weight to the empire, useless without better training,” Hadley was red in the face, fuming with anger.

    Blackwood calmly smiled at Hadley as if he had toppled his queen from a chessboard. “Interesting, that is where you place the blame. Poor training is it, unlike the good old days of hardened professionals? You should check yourself Hadley, it was the Empress herself who developed the modified training program for the conscription program. A conscription program which was pushed through the senate by none other than you and your supporters because if I recall it was taking too long for good soldiers to be recruited and trained at the rate which you and the old fool so brashly wasted their lives in the first two years of this carnage.”

    Greene silently nodded with his head held a bit lower than before.

    Hadley found himself backed into a corner. He looked around the room, and found himself alone. He swallowed hard and took a deep breath, “I.. would never insult the abilities of our glorious Empress. It is likely not the training itself which is the issue, but the implementation of it, I mean how hard is it to teach a common man how to aim and shoot a rifle, or to march properly. I bet I could do it in five minutes with a company. It must be the drillmasters who are to blame.”

    The Empress’s expression had hardened not just with frustration but now with what was slowly becoming rage. If there was anything she hated in this world, it was those who wrongly blamed her soldiers of doing their duties poorly. She was once again about to intervene when this time she noticed Commandant General Pettigrew about to launch across the table to strangle Hadley.

    “My Empress may I speak,” He asked as politely as he could muster.

    “You may Commandant.” She replied.

    “With all due respect to General Hadley, a drillmaster is only as skilled as the man who gives him the manual to teach his men. To generalize that every drill instructor is poorly skilled is an insult to the entire Eclenian Empire, an empire which I would remind you general that you have the pleasure of serving.”

    General Pettigrew, better known as One Eyed Jak Pettigrew was the Commandant of the Eclenian Marine Corps, and the second head of the Colonial Triumvirate. He was a living success story, the numerous scars he bore upon his face alone attested to that fact. The most prevalent of those scars was that of a black eyepatch covering the sunken hole where his left eye used to be. His uniform, while well-kept, was worn out. His face was similarly worn out with dents, smears, and edges on his face from the countless powder burns and other minor injuries he had suffered in his time, each one telling a story of glorious battles in far away lands and seas.

    Hadley was thoroughly defeated by Pettigrew’s statement, he sighed regaining his composure “I concede you that point General Pettigrew. But my Empress, I must protest that my plan will work if you give me the resources to…”

    “Enough Hadley, you have more than made your case. The division of resources is final, I don’t care if the senate approves of your offensive or not, it is not their decision to make. That decision lies with your commanding officer which would be me, and as an experienced commander I must agree with General Blackwood’s assessment that your plan is fatally flawed and would do far more harm than good at this time. You have done well to uphold the Northern Front but now is not the time to attack, not with the forces we have available at this time. I trust that you will make good use of the supplies I am giving you to bolster those defenses in the North.”

    The Empress paused to let the Generals respond.

    General Greene bowed with dignity, “Thank you Empress, I will continue to serve honourably for you and our great empire so long as I am able.”

    Hadley’s face twitched with rage but he kept his control. He took a long moment of silence before finally saying, “Thank you for the supplies... Empress.”

    The Empress sighed, “Now that we have settled that matter we shall adjourn this meeting.”

    The others in the room grumbled in agreement organising their papers and speaking with their aides.

    “Good, I wish you all good luck, and Generals Greene and Hadley, I wish you safe trips back to the front.” The Empress said with a warm exhausted smile.

    Greene stood and saluted the Empress with a smile, “Thank you my liege, I wish you good fortunes and with luck, a peaceful day to follow.”


    “Thank you very much General,” she replied shaking his hand before he left.

    Hadley didn’t say a word quietly racing out of the room without facing the Empress, no doubt in an attempt to hide his anger with her.

    As the Colonial Triumvirate always so closely tied began to make their exit from the room, Blackwood stopped next to the Empress and gave her a firm handshake.

    “Would you care to join us for a round of poker with a glass of brandy and perhaps some fine cigars my liege?” Blackwood asked with his charming but mischievous smile.

    Maria legitimately considered the offer for a moment and thought of the relaxation it would bring her, as well as a good chance to take Blackwood down a peg at cards, but sadly she had other things to do today, some she was now close to an hour behind schedule for.

    “As much as I’d love to thoroughly bully you at cards Blackwood, I have other matters which require my attention today before I can retire to private recreation.”

    Blackwood nodded his spirit minorly dampened, “Well then I suppose I’ll just leave you with a cigar for you to enjoy later in your garden.” He pulled a single cigar from his jacket, “It’s from a particularly wonderful crop of Adevshi grown tobacco.”

    The Empress took the cigar from Blackwood giving him a playful scowl, “Blackwood, you do recall we have a trade embargo with Adevshi correct?”

    “Of course my Liege, these are spoils of such an embargo, a mutual friend of ours with ties to the navy helped procure them.”  He pointed to his wife, standing beside him.

    Catlan Blackwood, the Commandant of the Sky Corps, and one of Maria’s oldest friends, going back to their days in the military academy. 

    “Of course it was you Catlan, you always did have good taste in your bartered items.” Maria said with a friendly pat on her shoulder, “Thank you both, we’ll have to meet some time soon while you’re still in the capital.

    “We’ll be waiting,” Catlan replied with a salute.

    With that, the Colonial Triumvirate exited the room, leaving the Empress alone.

    She sat back down in her chair exhausted letting out a long sigh of relief.

    “Hadley is quite persistent,” Colonel Jaksin said emerging from the shadowy corner of the room.

    “That’s putting it mildly,” Maria replied with a tired chuckle.

    “Do you want me to cancel your next appointment?” He asked handing her a glass of water.

    “Thank you Jaksin, but no that wouldn’t be proper. I just need a moment to… recompose myself, then we can head out.”

    “Whatever you need my Liege.” Jaksin replied with a bow.

    Maria cleared her mind, and imagined herself sitting in her garden with a warm cup of tea. She pictured her orchids which she had nursed back to health, the daffodils which this year had bloomed a beautiful orange colour, and her favourite, the Azuman cherry tree which would bloom in the coming month. The serene mental image helped to relieve the sour mood that had brewed during the war council. She opened her eyes and got up from her chair.

    “Alright, let’s go.”

    The Empress exited the room with Colonel Jaksin following close behind her. He motioned to the two Praetorians who had been guarding the door to follow them as they began walking down the hall.

    The sides of the hall were lined with servants holding trays with luxury items the Empress could possibly need or wish for, from cigars to fruit and cheese plates. Maria politely waved them off knowing that there would be another group of servants waiting at her destination.

    As they rounded a corner there was suddenly a loud clanging sound from the next bend in the hall. The pair of Praetorians took up defensive positions in front of the Empress, with Colonel Jaksin looking to the rear.

    “Davis, go see what that was.” Colonel Jaksin ordered.

    Davis nodded and swiftly walked down the hall with a hand on the hilt of his sabre and rounded the corner. Moments later he returned shaking his head.

    “What was it?” The Empress asked.

    “It was Princess Koralia’s cat, Sir Fluffers my Empress, he jumped a servant carrying a tray of fish snacks.”

    The Empress and the other guard laughed.

    “Did you manage to get a hold of him, or is the would be assassin still at large?” She jokingly asked.

    Davis chuckled, “I’m afraid he got away my liege.”

    The false alarm had released more of the tension, allowing the Empress, and even the two guards to relax a little more.

    The group rounded one final corner which led to the throne room, where Maria would once again be glued to a chair. She looked at the line of servants holding up the trays, she was feeling parched again so she stopped where one of them had a jug of water with a glass.

    As she poured her drink, her gaze shifted to a servant she hadn’t seen before holding a tray of crackers and caviar, he was sweating profusely and shaking so much that it was causing the crackers to make a clattering noise.

    She gulped down the water and began down the hall again, as they passed the nervous servant, he threw the tray at one of the guards knocking him to the ground.

    Colonel Jaksin began to step in front of the Empress, but she stopped him standing her ground as the assassin rushed at her with a small knife thrusting for a killing blow.

    As the man got within range, the Empress knocked the knife out of the man’s hands and toppled him to the ground before drawing her sword and placing her heel firmly on his throat.

    “What is the meaning of this,” she hissed.

    The would be assassin struggled free himself, to no avail.

    “Answer me damn it!”

    The servant, shaking uncontrollably, swallowed nervously as the Empress’s fearsome gaze pierced his eyes.

    “Forgive me Empress…” he spoke, before clenching his teeth.

    The Empress’s face dropped, as she realized what the servant was about to do.

    “No!” she screamed.

    But it was too late. The servant bit down with an audible crack.  In mere seconds, the veins on his face blackened, and the young man convulsed floundering like a fish before becoming deathly still.

    The Empress slowly lifted her foot off the dead man’s neck before crouching down. She lifted her palm over the man’s face and gently closed his glossed-over bloodshot eyes.

    “Why…” She muttered. Maria turned to Colonel Jaksin, “Get this man’s body back to his family. Jaksin, I think I will be canceling my next appointment, it seems there are more pressing matters to attend to.”

    “It will be done Empress.”

    \/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/

    I hope you enjoyed the first chapter of my novel, and I hope you have a wonderful day.  8)


    3 people like this post: Gerrick, Elbbsas, Crushita
    « Last Edit: November 20, 2017, 05:03:13 PM by Fortis_Scriptor »

    Fortis Scriptor
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    Elbbsas
  • Citizen
  • *Cracks knuckles*
    Time to get as Englishy as a dictionary.
    I'm going to preface this with a general statement about writing advice. "If you are able to explain why you disagree with the advice, you should absolutely ignore it." Style choices supplant all else. But the good thing about advice is that it makes you take a harder look at your own writing.

    Scene 1
    Part 1
    Quote
    Dark clouds in a gray sky wept over no-man’s-land, the tranquil sound of the rain setting a beautiful contradiction to the scene of the ugly shell sundered ground between the trench lines.

    A Lieutenant in a muddied dark blue uniform peaked his head over the parapet of his trench and peered through his binoculars at his enemy counterparts across the field.

    He spotted a man in a black hat with a red feathered plume attempting to light a pipe with what both of them knew to be wet matches.

    The Lieutenant took pity on his enemy brethren, he had been fortunate to get a rubber lined pocket from his brother, keeping both his matches and his tobacco dry on the wet days like this.
    Prepositions - A personal peeve of mine is stuff like this. Sorry =D. When I see too many prepositions in a row, I don't likey. I have no idea if this is just a "me" thing, or if it's something that other people frown on too. I only highlighted the ones in the opening sentence, buuuut you've done it throughout the piece. I suggest breaking some of these phrases into separate sentences. I'm thinking you've done this because it's supposed to be one singular image? Each situated in the same time, same place? If so, trust your readers a bit more. Variation is the soul of writing!

    Punctuation - Are you sure this should be a comma? Why isn't it a full stop? A colon? A semi colon? Take a look at your options and think about which applies the best. I don't think it should be a comma though. The phrase afterwards is an independent clause, after all! I dunno, it just feels a little clunky.

    Ambiguity - Who is this "He"? From the context it's clear it's supposed to be the Lieutenant. However, the last person that was referred to is the "enemy brethren."

    Yay, words - I do like these. There is one think I want to ask, though. Are you trying to make this battleground be seen in a positive, negative, or ambiguous light? Depending on which, you may want to pick words with more consistent connotations.

    Capitalization - Why is this capitalized?
    Part 2
    Quote
    The Lieutenant shook his head and dropped down from the parapet with a loud splash. He suddenly regretted his method of coming down as freezing muddy water sloshed into his boots soaking his last pair of clean dry socks.

    “I do believe you’ve been given a taste of karma Lieutenant.” a voice said before laughing

    The lieutenant looked up towards the source of the voice and saw a private whose uniform was freshly splattered with mud.

    “You know private, I think you’re right.” The Lieutenant replied with a wince.
    Independent Clauses - I'd recommend splitting this up. You've a lot of sentences thus far that are just one long drag. In fact, this is the first paragraph with more than one sentence. I'm all for over paragraphing, but one per one is a bit much.

    Punctuation and Names - Gah, dialogue punctuation. This person puts it far better than I could:
    Quote from: entangledbank
    Yes, there should be a comma. It separates two intonationally separate phrases, for one thing, and it could make a difference to the interpretation too. Compare:

    What don't you want to tell Mark?
    What don't you want to tell, Mark?

    In normal intonation, the main clause goes down in pitch (after the last main stressed syllable: 'saying'), then if there's a person being addressed, their name rises slightly in pitch. This is more noticeable if you add more syllables after the stress:

    What don't you want to tell \Christopher? ['tell Christopher' is all in the main part of the clause]
    What don't you want to \tell, /Christopher? ['Christopher' is a vocative, separate from the main part]
    Dialogue Tag Punctuation - Now this one, this one is NOT a style choice. These full stops should be commas. Dialogue tags = comma, action after dialogue = full stop, exclamation/question marks barrel over both.
    • "What are we doing today?" Mary asked.
    • Bob shrugged. "We're being examples," he explained.
    • "Oh." Mary looked uncomfortable. "Why is that?"
    • With a laugh(,) Bob said, "Because our writer can't explain without us!"
    • "I see, I see." Mary stood up to leave.
    Also, using a comma in line 4 is optional and as far as I know a style choice. That's why it's in brackets.

    Flow - This feels clunky.

    Rephrasing - Just to give an example of what you could do:
    Quote
    The lieutenant looked up towards the source of the voice. He saw a private whose uniform was freshly splattered with mud.
    Quote
    The lieutenant looked up. The source of the voice was a private. His uniform was freshly splattered with mud.
    Quote
    The lieutenant looked up. The source of the voice was a private, one whose uniform was freshly splattered with mud.
    Part 3
    Quote
    “Anything interesting to see up there?” The private asked wiping mud off of his tunic.

    The lieutenant shrugged, “nothing but a naive Merchant who doesn’t know to keep his matches dry.”

    The two soldiers laughed.

    It was then that they heard a new noise in the air, it was faint at first hard to distinguish from the rain.

    “Do you hear something?”

    The noise soon became clearer. A sharp whistling noise that screeched from the skies, it turned both of them pale.

    “Take cover lieutenant!” Was the last thing the Lieutenant heard before the ground was rocked as artillery shells hurtled into the ground before exploding lashing up mud, blood, and steel shot into the air in great geysers before falling back to the earth on top of the trenches.
    Dialogue Tag Punctuation - Shrugging is an action, not a dialogue tag. Therefore, this should be "...shrugged. "Nothing...."

    Capitalization - Ok, I'm guessing that you are capitalizing titles. If that is the case, why not Private instead of private? Furthermore you're a teeny bit inconsistent with this capitalization.

    Flow and Punctuation - Even though there's not a pause between "cover" and "lieutenant," it is my belief that it still needs a comma there. The private is still addressing the lieutenant, after all. Secondly... this is a little iffy. "Was" should be in lowercase because the piece of dialogue is part of that sentence. Eg: "Eating carrots was the last thing..." versus "Eating carrots Was the last thing...."

    Flow - Just pointing this out again. It still feel clunky, in the same way the other one did, but I can't put my finger on why.

    Advice - Short sentences are quick. Long sentences on the other hand draw things out and can even be used to give a sense of nostalgia. In actions scenes I would highly recommend the short over the long. It doesn't matter how pretty your descriptions, vivid your word choice, or captivating your phrases. Sentence length matters. That's why Wham Lines tend to be short. They go pow!
    Some overall notes
    You have a very consistent sentence structure and frankly, I don’t like it. Notice this paragraph. The sentences are varying. They cause the paragraph to pop and change and be alive. There is variance in both the structure within the sentence and, of course, the length.

    Compare that to the long and aching sentences that you have used to link all of your words and phrases together. It is exhausting to look at but it does give a sense of tedium and extended time. Without something to break up the sentences these end up looking less like a style choice and more like a possible error.

    Add variation! Let your readers rest! Captivate!
    Content
    Now let's move on to what the words are actually saying.

    First up, be very, very careful with how you've opened with, effectively, "It was a dark and stormy night." I know, I know you didn't literally say that, but it still reminded me of the cliche. It's still something to keep in mind.

    As I have alluded to previously, you effectively set your scene in one sentence. What type of tone are you aiming for?

    If you want this opening to be slow and peaceful/suspenseful in order to suddenly switch to BAM CRASH POW EXPLOSION DEATH ROAR (=P) at the end, you may want to add more content to it. Keep the sentences long (long sentences do increase tension because of how people subconsciously breathe only when they see a full stop) and add more to them. Focus on one element at a time. For instance, describe the clouds. What do they look like? How do they make the observer feel? Do they remind them of better times? Are they oppressive? Then move on to the land below. How long is no-man's-land? Is it an insurmountable distance? Uncomfortably claustrophobic? Take the sentence you have, bit by bit, and expand each of your points.

    With the end "bam crash pow" part, short sentences. As I mentioned, people breathe with full stops. This means with long sentences you can make them "hold their breath." Short sentences? Well. Hyperventilation, anyone? It's like a beat. Hear it tap. Use five words or less. Except, don't, because a constant thread of short sentences is just as bad as the long. Variation! Variation! Variation! Use a long sentence to give relief, then snatch it away again. It's like fishing.

    Speaking of likes, where are your metaphors and similes and the like at? The only part where you're giving the reader something to engage their imagination with is in the last paragraphs of this part! (Rocked, great geysers). I kid, you've gotten a good amount of anchor words to situate the reader, but you can always add more metaphors.

    ...It occurs to me that "anchor words" is a term I made up. It's those solid words. Hot, cold, slash, mud, stuff that is super easy to imagine that "anchor" the rest of the phrase. It makes it easier to picture things and reduces the cost of imagination (kinda like what metaphors naturally do, but with singular words).
    Pretty much everything I know about writing is through a mix of good reading materials, asking questions, and Google. Seriously, Google is your best friend. I've spent many, many hours just browsing various "writing advice" sites and picking and choosing things that I like. I'm not an expert at all. Hopefully though, this helps you take a closer look at your own stuff! (And do not, do NOT, just blindly take any advice. Listen, think, review, then choose to use or not).

    And... I think I'll take a look at the rest of the chapter later. I'm not planning to repeat things so hopefully I'll get through the rest a little quicker. =D
    2 people like this post: Crushita, Fortis Scriptor
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