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Sirius Frost
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  • "Eh to jerk" is "The Joker", innit?

    Maaaaaybe?
    eue

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    Together we Fight, Together we Die.
    Sirius Frost
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    Elbbsas
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  • So, I've been wandering through my old files, and I found things. Apparently I wrote this exactly two years ago. Wow, 2014 was a long time ago.

    40,000 Feet Up

    There’s a roaring in my ears. A terrible swooping rush of pressure is chasing it’s way from my chest to the tips of my hands and feet. Waves of nervous warmth follows in the pressures’ wake; aching to the marrow in my bones.

    My breath is catching at the back of my throat. The cool air rushing inside me fails to bring any semblance of motherly calm. Instead the air sits in my lungs, heating up and thickening with each passing moment. The air outside is growing thinner. It has to be.

    Words are still circuiting around the seats, porridge-like and jumbled. They swarm around the air, leering at those chained to the thin seats. Maybe words breathe as well - it would explain the thin air. I’m trying to focus on that idea. Breathing words. Wouldn't that be a fun thing to write? The more you spoke the less air you could breathe and the closer you drew to death.

    "-captain speaking, thank you for-"

    The whole world is shaking. Its own shudders nurture my own, bringing both to even greater heights. My back is being forced into the hard cushioned seat as we are all dragged. Forward. Forward. Forward.

    There's no more air. My mouth is open and gasping, but I can't inhale. A stray thought bangs against the corner of my head. "Asthma is not when you can't breathe in, but when you can't breathe out."

    Breathe out. I can do that. There's cotten all around my throat and vocal chords but I keep trying. Breathe out. Let it all out. Nothing will go wrong. You've been through this before. You are fine. You are fine. There is plenty of air. Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe.

    The air is still parchment dry and thin, I'm still locked in placed, the world is still spinning.

    There's a new sound. A roaring, no longer just an echo in my mind, that is building and climbing and growing deep below and around. This metal cage is shuddering in time with the same dull scream. It's clawing at my chest and pawing and the ground. The beast with the deep call challenges the sky. How could something so huge and loud and deep possibly fly?

    My eyes are fixed outside. They are tracking blindly out towards the distant lights. Cars, planes, bikes, trains, all of them still nice and grounded.

    The lights are torn away and my eyes slam shut. The buzz and roar have reached a crescendo as the beast lurches forwards. It does not care for any it treads upon. It is a monster who could destroy with ease; no weapons or teeth or claws, just one big belly and the speed of Death.

    Breathing is ragged again. Those thoughts from seconds passed by seem weak and flawed to my cornered mind. What if, what if...?

    Something is poking at my elbow insistently. When I don't respond it departs. Someone is speaking now, vague and tinny compared to the horrible roar. My mind, raw and battered, clasped onto the small sound. I was hardly focusing, but...

    The voice is softer, calmer. Images float around the darkness behind my eyelids. At first they are unconnected and adrift, but soon line up as my head refocuses.

    Breathe in. Breathe out.

    I can't forget about the world dropping away from me. I can't forget about the hundreds of meters between me and the ground. I can't forget the pressure still pushing at my shoulders. Nor could I forget the wings and engines and an abuse of physics is all that is keeping us upright.

    But maybe, just for a minute, I could ignore it.


    The ending's a bit melodramatic and I hadn't quite worked out how I wanted to write dashes, but overall I'm kinda proud of it. Proud, in a "aw, look at what little me did, that's adorable" way, at least. I also don't want to look too closely or else I'll probably start nitpicking at things, correcting typos, and the like.
    Elbbsas
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    libertarin
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  • This is my first time doing this and I am kinda nervous  :-[ but here goes nothing

    Let the sun pour down
    Let the rain shine bright
    It's a different world now
    And everthings all right

    Yeah
    Everthings all right
    Yeah
    Everythings all right

    Swimming deep in the sand
    Building castle of light
    It's a different world now
    And everthings all right

    Yeah
    Everthings all right
    Yeah
    Everthings all right

    I hope you enjoyed  :wave:
    1 person likes this post: Gerrick
    libertarin
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    libertarin
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  • When all fears begin to come true and
    everyone has turned there back on you
    Close your eyes and reach the sky's
    Your breathless and your weightless
    They can say all the they want
    And believe whatever they taunt
    They're not your in your wall
    They didn't make you
    they can't break you
    This feeling that comes on is all you ever wanted
    What keeps you moving forward is knowing what you started.  :wave:
    libertarin
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    libertarin
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  •  We're both creatures of the night,
    Can't see here in the dark,
    Your in my mind but out of sight,
    And its tearing this apart,
    Your different from the other guys,
    I don't have to twirl my hair and bat my eyes,
    Eyes,
    We're not use to all this hype,
    Hype,
    I love kickin' it with you,
    But I might have broken all the rules,
    But I won't be sweatin' cause,
    Your different from the other guys,
    I don't have to twirl my hair and bat my eyes
    Eyes,
    We're not use to all this hype,
    Hype,
    But we are stuck in the Hype,
    Hype.
    libertarin
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    Elbbsas
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  • ...I really did not want to do this. I apologize in advance.

    This is my first time doing this and I am kinda nervous  :-[ but here goes nothing

    Let the sun pour down
    Let the rain shine bright
    It's a different world now
    And everthings all right

    Yeah
    Everthings all right
    Yeah
    Everythings all right

    Swimming deep in the sand
    Building castle of light
    It's a different world now
    And everthings all right

    Yeah
    Everthings all right
    Yeah
    Everthings all right

    I hope you enjoyed  :wave:


    http://backstagefamily.wikia.com/wiki/Everything's_Alright
    This is "Everything's Alright," composed by Andrew Austin.

    When all fears begin to come true and
    everyone has turned there back on you
    Close your eyes and reach the sky's
    Your breathless and your weightless
    They can say all the they want
    And believe whatever they taunt
    They're not your in your wall
    They didn't make you
    they can't break you
    This feeling that comes on is all you ever wanted
    What keeps you moving forward is knowing what you started.  :wave:

    http://backstagefamily.wikia.com/wiki/The_Beating_of_the_Drum
    This is "Beating of the Drum," composed by Ryan McLarnon.

    We're both creatures of the night,
    Can't see here in the dark,
    Your in my mind but out of sight,
    And its tearing this apart,
    Your different from the other guys,
    I don't have to twirl my hair and bat my eyes,
    Eyes,
    We're not use to all this hype,
    Hype,
    I love kickin' it with you,
    But I might have broken all the rules,
    But I won't be sweatin' cause,
    Your different from the other guys,
    I don't have to twirl my hair and bat my eyes
    Eyes,
    We're not use to all this hype,
    Hype,
    But we are stuck in the Hype,
    Hype.

    https://www.musixmatch.com/lyrics/Aviva-3/Hype
    http://www.famousbirthdays.com/people/aviva-mongillo.html
    This is "Hype," by Aviva Mongillo.


    I do not know anything about these singers and composers. All I did was copy-paste the first few lines into Google.

    This is my first time doing this and I am kinda nervous  :-[ but here goes nothing
    (...)
    I hope you enjoyed  :wave:



    Please do not do this type of thing. I'm personally not too bothered, but it is incredibly dangerous for you. Why? Because it is easy to fall into a habit of doing this.

    It isn't a big deal here. No harm, no foul. But when it comes to more serious items, this could ruin your life. Take any project given to you at school, college, university, work -- it is so easy to just copy what someone else has made, especially when the item is obscure. "No one will notice, the internet is a large place."

    People do notice. It is really, really obvious. And if you do this in a setting where the stakes are higher, it will hurt you. Take say, an essay discussing the themes of 1984, by George Orwell. You could Google "1984 Analysis" and half a dozen pages will appear, with all the analysis done for you. Copy, paste, and your essay is done.

    Except that the people marking your essay will check what you have done, especially if the writing does not match your usual tone. Boom, everything you have done is invalid. And if you think you can get away with it when you have a larger class, you're wrong. There's a reason why marking takes so long.

    Again, I'm not too bothered by you quoting songs not written by you. It's fine. Just please, please don't do it again. It isn't worth it.

    ~

    What you can do (which I personally find fun) is try making parodies out of these songs. Count how many syllables are in each line, then replace them to fit a particular theme. For instance, try writing out "Twelve Days of Christmas" with a different theme -- such as one focused on summer, or the holiday being Easter.

    ~

    ...To make this post back on topic, here's a thing I made during Hallowe'en (and is also an example of parody):

    During the zombie incursion, I adapted the first two stanzas of Les Misérable's song "Red and Black" for Wintreath. And zombies.

    Original Song "Red and Black"


    Blue and White

    It is time for us all
    To now stand together
    Will we search for the lurchers
    Who work to destroy all our lives?
    Have you asked of yourselves
    “What’s the price of accord?”
    Is this region going
    To try stand before the horde?
    The freedom of winter
    Will become our reward

    Blue: the glaciers in the north!
    White: the bones of the undead!
    Blue: the sky that beckons forth!
    White: the missiles overhead!


    (I wasn't sure where to put this, so if it is in the wrong place feel free to move it! :)))

    Sorry for the long post.
    Elbbsas
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    Wintermoot
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  • There goes the next election for libertarin.
    7 people like this post: Crushita, BraveSirRobin, taulover, Aethelia, Michi, Chanku, Gerrick


    I went all the way to Cassadega to commune with the dead
    They said "You'd better look alive"
    Wintermoot
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    taulover
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  • Godammit libertarin this isn't even the first time you've been accused of plagiarism or lying on this forum.

    While everything Elbbsas said is true, the more important thing here is that you simply cannot build relationships or gain friends by being dishonest.

    Seriously, nobody's going to look down on you if you just came out and said that you were a newcomer to NS. (If you'd done that, instead of going completely "I'm an incredibly talented and good leader", I think you would have very likely been elected that term.) And if you'd just post those songs to the music recommendations thread, some of us would've actually listened to it and perhaps liked it.

    On the other hand, this lack of honesty is a serious breach of trust. As Elb said, you will get caught, sooner or later, and when that happens, people have trouble believing anything you ever say again.

    Back on topic, here's a little something I wrote during a creative writing class (IIRC we were given ~10 minutes), based off of some image prompts of a desert town.


    Dawn. A harsh wind bites across the arid landscape. The sun peaks out from behind the mountains far off in the distance. The cacti, flourishing in what appears, at first, to be a lonely, desolate land, catch the first rays of the sun. The growth of clouds in the cold night begin to part for the mighty warmth to come.

    Noon. The small town has come to life. The sun now glares down at the inhabitants of the desert, almost admonishing them in incessant, hot rage for defiling the land. Still, nature has a working, if not amicable relationship with the men of this land, as man cares for nature and she provides in return.

    Dusk. The last rays of light fall below the horizon. A sharp coldness returns, chasing away the warm heat of the sun. Pinpoints of light appear through glass on the walls of buildings, as their residents continue their activities despite nature's slumber.
    2 people like this post: Aethelia, Gerrick
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    taulover
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    Hydra
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  • Hail Hydra!
  • Welp...

    Anywho, here are my attempts (they are basically edits of each other) at relieving myself of the stress from finals (which is next week)

    The cool breeze rushed over my skin, sending a tingling sensation down my spine and a smile to my face as my dog scampered behind me. Instead of the usual oven of Southern California, I was now in a cooler. The leaves rustled nearby, and a squirrel scurried along to his cozy house and family. Strolling down the street, I arrived at my house, ready to enjoy some time off in the winter wonderland.

    The colorful leaves rustled along the road as I walked by with my puppy. The breeze was beginning to pick up and I let the cool air flow past me. Suddenly, a bark pulled me out of the trance of nature. I quickly turned toward my pup to see him aggressively staring down a squirrel. I couldn’t hold it in and burst out laughing, causing my dog to glance at me and the squirrel to disappear into the leaves and onward to its home. I strolled home with my dog, taking in every second of the beauty that surrounded me. The vibrant red leaves all lined up along the road, a set of ceremonial guards in shining red armor leading me home.

    It had been weeks since I’d given my puppy a proper walk. It had always been a, “Hurry up!” here or a tug there just to get him around the block so I could get back to studying. Cramming for finals has been my top priority for too long, and now, break had begun. Finally, out here in the middle of the road, I could finally let the stress flow away… I was free. The birds sang a victory song for me and I happily pranced around, relieved that it was the end. I glanced down at my puppy, and he was smiling at me too! I closed my eyes, letting it all settle in. My eyes shot open as my body lurched forward. My dog was pulling me toward a tree growling at a squirrel. A smile slowly formed on my face, eventually turning into a chuckle. That was something that hadn’t happened to me in so long. The leaves rustled nearby as the breeze picked up, and the squirrel quickly scurried away, leaving my dog and I alone and in a place of peace. My dog continued to tug, thinking that I was in a hurry as always, but instead of pushing him along, I stayed put. He glanced back at me, staring lovingly into my eyes, and took a seat at my feet. There was a beautiful sight in front of me. Despite my daily walks through here, I’d never noticed the vibrant red trees that lined to road, with leaves drifting with the wind. My eyes followed one as it dropped toward the ground. It was on a path of collision with my pup, and as it landed, I couldn’t help but laugh. My dog quickly shook it off, and gave a slight tug, pulling me along the path paved by ceremonial guards in red armor, onward toward home.
    2 people like this post: Gerrick, BraveSirRobin
    « Last Edit: December 18, 2016, 01:12:04 AM by xXTheHydraXx »
    You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.
    - Mae West
    Hydra
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    Finrod Felagund
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  • Okay, to preface this... thing, I wrote it several years ago, when one of my part-time obsessions was Wordsworth. I really liked much of his work and sort of decided to try and write some poetry myself. I passed the outskirts of Brussels one day and saw a particular part of the city it lit by rays of sunshine and decided that was as good a reason as any to write it, so I spent half an hour doing it and decided it was good enough.

    I would appreciate criticism, though I have learned quite a lot of the things that were wrong with it. You may find that when reading it you need to play some small tricks to even be able to keep the tone going, but I could read it so clearly everyone else should be able to do the same.

    Okay, I now realise I'm rambling, so on to my Masterpiece;

    Spoiler
    Adjacent to Eden

    As crowds moved on beside the trees
    The city was looked on, not seen
    A host of Men locked in their dreams
    Blind to the mix of art and green

    Then, oh Delight the clouds above
    Let pass a tiny glimpse of light
    A single ray of Holy Love
    And none beheld the lustrous might

    That shook the world yet left it still
    That moved a heart yet puzzled will

    Once alone I glimpsed the glow
    The forest's sudden wonder
    The glory of the things that grow
    Yet somehow faintly slumber

    Beside the old young forest stood
    A city full of people fair
    A story evil somehow good
    A tale of hope's untold despair

    A single ray of light above
    Made clear to me this joyous wonder
    A city in a sacred grove
    A cure for every lustful hunger

    So at that time I turned to face
    The sky to say I'm grateful
    And in that oh so warm embrace
    I felt a love eternal, faithful

    And though the sky moved on,
    My ray no longer glittered,
    Within my mind the picture shone
    A sight that never withered

    A million must have passed the grove
    Not noticing its beauty
    Lord make this poem like a dove
    Let preaching be its duty

    And as my readers' lives shall pass
    With beauty all about them
    Let them perceive in blades of grass
    The glory of an anthem
    6 people like this post: taulover, HannahB, Gerrick, Elbbsas, Crushita, BraveSirRobin
    Finrod Felagund
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    • Her young ones feast on blood and where the slain are,there is she
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    Elbbsas
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  • Okay, to preface this... thing, I wrote it several years ago, when one of my part-time obsessions was Wordsworth. I really liked much of his work and sort of decided to try and write some poetry myself. I passed the outskirts of Brussels one day and saw a particular part of the city it lit by rays of sunshine and decided that was as good a reason as any to write it, so I spent half an hour doing it and decided it was good enough.

    I would appreciate criticism, though I have learned quite a lot of the things that were wrong with it. You may find that when reading it you need to play some small tricks to even be able to keep the tone going, but I could read it so clearly everyone else should be able to do the same.

    Okay, I now realise I'm rambling, so on to my Masterpiece;

    Spoiler
    Adjacent to Eden

    As crowds moved on beside the trees
    The city was looked on, not seen
    A host of Men locked in their dreams
    Blind to the mix of art and green

    Then, oh Delight the clouds above
    Let pass a tiny glimpse of light
    A single ray of Holy Love
    And none beheld the lustrous might

    That shook the world yet left it still
    That moved a heart yet puzzled will

    Once alone I glimpsed the glow
    The forest's sudden wonder
    The glory of the things that grow
    Yet somehow faintly slumber

    Beside the old young forest stood
    A city full of people fair
    A story evil somehow good
    A tale of hope's untold despair

    A single ray of light above
    Made clear to me this joyous wonder
    A city in a sacred grove
    A cure for every lustful hunger

    So at that time I turned to face
    The sky to say I'm grateful
    And in that oh so warm embrace
    I felt a love eternal, faithful

    And though the sky moved on,
    My ray no longer glittered,
    Within my mind the picture shone
    A sight that never withered

    A million must have passed the grove
    Not noticing its beauty
    Lord make this poem like a dove
    Let preaching be its duty

    And as my readers' lives shall pass
    With beauty all about them
    Let them perceive in blades of grass
    The glory of an anthem
    Warning, this is long and I went English-nutty on it.
    First off: *applause*

    That's freaking phenomenal. Your stress-unstress stuff is on point, you remain consistent in your rhyming scheme, and the flow of each syllable in each line was rhythmic and above all nice. There are flaws, but I enjoyed reading it.

    As you said, there are occasions where you need to play "tricks" to retain the rhythm. Which is fine -- a lot of poems I've read don't even bother with having a rhythm at all. Plus, what points where I stumbled in reading it wouldn't be noticeable in re-reads, nor if it's read out loud in a performance. In fact it's good to have these points in poems that are read out loud, as it encourages speeding up and slowing down (and let's be honest, a poem that retains the exact same rhythm over and over gets boring).

    The points I could bring up as criticisms are just style choices. I know that some poems don't bother with punctuation at the end of each line, and leave the reader to assume where it would lie. Yet you've been slightly inconsistent. For most of the poem, punctuation is absent, bar for this stanza:
    And though the sky moved on,
    My ray no longer glittered,
    Within my mind the picture shone
    A sight that never withered
    I suppose I could assume that if this was read out loud, the commas would hint to longer pauses than natural. It's not really important, but it did feel a bit jarring. But only a tiny bit.

    Overall, you constructed this poem well. It sounds good, it's fun to read, and you know what you're doing (or have good instincts/a detailed guide).

    Now moving past the shape of the poem, into the content. I'm going to go full English-nut on this.


    I really like the line "The city was looked on, not seen" in Stanza 1. It's a similar distinction to people speaking at and not to one another.

    Additionally in Stanza 10 (the last one), the phrase "Let them perceive in blades of grass // The glory of an anthem" is a really nice line. To go full English-y and overboard, "anthem" implies humanity, loyalty, duty, order, and so on. It also, to me, evokes the notion of battle, as many anthems have themes along those lines. Couple that with "blades," and the notion of war is further emphasized. Battle and the glory in it has been emphasized a lot in poetry. So, let us instead apply that glory, that honour, that grandness, into the natural world.

    *Coughs* Of course, that's with full "English nuttiness" engaged. I may be right, and I may be completely missing the mark and/or overthinking things completely. Heck, if I was analyzing this for an English class I'd probably work out how to link this to, I dunno, the Industrial Revolution.

    I could go on, but then I'll probably be pulling rubbish out of nothing and end up going "THE CURTAINS ARE BLUE TO SYMBOLIZE DEPRESSION ASFFNLAG."


    Ok, now for some negatives regarding content and word use.

    I can't recall the exact term for this, sorry. Some of this suffers from what I'm going to call "adjustment overload."

    "Let pass a tiny glimpse of light
    A single ray of Holy Love"

    "Yet somehow faintly slumber"

    It's something that pretty much everyone deals with (and I have so much trouble with, you have no idea). People like to "soften" things, and adjust them to better fit their imagination. Such as using words like "slight," "very," "a bit." You can probably spot me doing this in all of my posts. People like to specify exactly what they are talking about. But it makes everything look weaker. I know that in essays, the effect is that the writer looks uncertain of themselves. In prose, the words get in the way and are more frustrating than anything else.

    This is a style choice. I'm well aware that while I try to avoid this, other people choose to do so. Plus, you've used it sparingly. In all honesty, I shouldn't even bring it up, but I like bringing up "things done well," and "things that could be better," when talking on other people's things.


    Another thing that I hate to bring up is that some parts of this feel "deep for deepness's sake." Take this part:

    Once alone I glimpsed the glow
    The forest's sudden wonder
    The glory of the things that grow
    Yet somehow faintly slumber

    Beside the old young forest stood
    A city full of people fair
    A story evil somehow good
    A tale of hope's untold despair

    First, the use of "things" smacks of vagueness. Yes, I get that it needs to be vague enough to encompass all the things in the forest, but things is just a painful word in prose. Things is always vague, and almost always needs to be a different word. Plus, from the line it resides in, the things are meant to be seen in a positive light. I'm not everyone. But to me, things has negative connotations. It smacks of lurking things, of crawling things, of things best forgotten and left in the dust, never to be spoken of.

    Erm. Now that I've gotten my irrational and emotive rant out of the way, back to the stanzas.

    The phrase "A story evil somehow good // A tale of hope's untold despair." Like I said, it feels "deep for the sake of deepness." It's unspecific, it's vague, and can be connected to literally anything. It's English student bait! Ahhh! My one weakness. =D  Also, the word "somehow" fits the same bill. "Somehow" to me always feels like a cop-out. It's not a major issue, and shouldn't be worried about, but that's what I think whenever I see a "somehow" used seriously.


    You've probably learnt or been made aware of most of this. "Several years" means a lot in terms of writing ability. But hey, now that I've written this, other people can see it. Plus, it lets me exercise my creative writing muscles.

    This poem was fun. I like the structure, I like the themes, I like the poem. It isn't perfect, but I liked it.

    ...Wow, I wrote a lot. I'm going to put it in spoilers. And you said you had rambled.
    5 people like this post: Gerrick, HannahB, Finrod Felagund, taulover, Crushita
    Elbbsas
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    HannahB
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  • Okay, to preface this... thing, I wrote it several years ago, when one of my part-time obsessions was Wordsworth. I really liked much of his work and sort of decided to try and write some poetry myself. I passed the outskirts of Brussels one day and saw a particular part of the city it lit by rays of sunshine and decided that was as good a reason as any to write it, so I spent half an hour doing it and decided it was good enough.

    I would appreciate criticism, though I have learned quite a lot of the things that were wrong with it. You may find that when reading it you need to play some small tricks to even be able to keep the tone going, but I could read it so clearly everyone else should be able to do the same.

    Okay, I now realise I'm rambling, so on to my Masterpiece;

    Spoiler
    Adjacent to Eden

    As crowds moved on beside the trees
    The city was looked on, not seen
    A host of Men locked in their dreams
    Blind to the mix of art and green

    Then, oh Delight the clouds above
    Let pass a tiny glimpse of light
    A single ray of Holy Love
    And none beheld the lustrous might

    That shook the world yet left it still
    That moved a heart yet puzzled will

    Once alone I glimpsed the glow
    The forest's sudden wonder
    The glory of the things that grow
    Yet somehow faintly slumber

    Beside the old young forest stood
    A city full of people fair
    A story evil somehow good
    A tale of hope's untold despair

    A single ray of light above
    Made clear to me this joyous wonder
    A city in a sacred grove
    A cure for every lustful hunger

    So at that time I turned to face
    The sky to say I'm grateful
    And in that oh so warm embrace
    I felt a love eternal, faithful

    And though the sky moved on,
    My ray no longer glittered,
    Within my mind the picture shone
    A sight that never withered

    A million must have passed the grove
    Not noticing its beauty
    Lord make this poem like a dove
    Let preaching be its duty

    And as my readers' lives shall pass
    With beauty all about them
    Let them perceive in blades of grass
    The glory of an anthem
    Warning, this is long and I went English-nutty on it.
    First off: *applause*

    That's freaking phenomenal. Your stress-unstress stuff is on point, you remain consistent in your rhyming scheme, and the flow of each syllable in each line was rhythmic and above all nice. There are flaws, but I enjoyed reading it.

    As you said, there are occasions where you need to play "tricks" to retain the rhythm. Which is fine -- a lot of poems I've read don't even bother with having a rhythm at all. Plus, what points where I stumbled in reading it wouldn't be noticeable in re-reads, nor if it's read out loud in a performance. In fact it's good to have these points in poems that are read out loud, as it encourages speeding up and slowing down (and let's be honest, a poem that retains the exact same rhythm over and over gets boring).

    The points I could bring up as criticisms are just style choices. I know that some poems don't bother with punctuation at the end of each line, and leave the reader to assume where it would lie. Yet you've been slightly inconsistent. For most of the poem, punctuation is absent, bar for this stanza:
    And though the sky moved on,
    My ray no longer glittered,
    Within my mind the picture shone
    A sight that never withered
    I suppose I could assume that if this was read out loud, the commas would hint to longer pauses than natural. It's not really important, but it did feel a bit jarring. But only a tiny bit.

    Overall, you constructed this poem well. It sounds good, it's fun to read, and you know what you're doing (or have good instincts/a detailed guide).

    Now moving past the shape of the poem, into the content. I'm going to go full English-nut on this.


    I really like the line "The city was looked on, not seen" in Stanza 1. It's a similar distinction to people speaking at and not to one another.

    Additionally in Stanza 10 (the last one), the phrase "Let them perceive in blades of grass // The glory of an anthem" is a really nice line. To go full English-y and overboard, "anthem" implies humanity, loyalty, duty, order, and so on. It also, to me, evokes the notion of battle, as many anthems have themes along those lines. Couple that with "blades," and the notion of war is further emphasized. Battle and the glory in it has been emphasized a lot in poetry. So, let us instead apply that glory, that honour, that grandness, into the natural world.

    *Coughs* Of course, that's with full "English nuttiness" engaged. I may be right, and I may be completely missing the mark and/or overthinking things completely. Heck, if I was analyzing this for an English class I'd probably work out how to link this to, I dunno, the Industrial Revolution.

    I could go on, but then I'll probably be pulling rubbish out of nothing and end up going "THE CURTAINS ARE BLUE TO SYMBOLIZE DEPRESSION ASFFNLAG."


    Ok, now for some negatives regarding content and word use.

    I can't recall the exact term for this, sorry. Some of this suffers from what I'm going to call "adjustment overload."

    "Let pass a tiny glimpse of light
    A single ray of Holy Love"

    "Yet somehow faintly slumber"

    It's something that pretty much everyone deals with (and I have so much trouble with, you have no idea). People like to "soften" things, and adjust them to better fit their imagination. Such as using words like "slight," "very," "a bit." You can probably spot me doing this in all of my posts. People like to specify exactly what they are talking about. But it makes everything look weaker. I know that in essays, the effect is that the writer looks uncertain of themselves. In prose, the words get in the way and are more frustrating than anything else.

    This is a style choice. I'm well aware that while I try to avoid this, other people choose to do so. Plus, you've used it sparingly. In all honesty, I shouldn't even bring it up, but I like bringing up "things done well," and "things that could be better," when talking on other people's things.


    Another thing that I hate to bring up is that some parts of this feel "deep for deepness's sake." Take this part:

    Once alone I glimpsed the glow
    The forest's sudden wonder
    The glory of the things that grow
    Yet somehow faintly slumber

    Beside the old young forest stood
    A city full of people fair
    A story evil somehow good
    A tale of hope's untold despair

    First, the use of "things" smacks of vagueness. Yes, I get that it needs to be vague enough to encompass all the things in the forest, but things is just a painful word in prose. Things is always vague, and almost always needs to be a different word. Plus, from the line it resides in, the things are meant to be seen in a positive light. I'm not everyone. But to me, things has negative connotations. It smacks of lurking things, of crawling things, of things best forgotten and left in the dust, never to be spoken of.

    Erm. Now that I've gotten my irrational and emotive rant out of the way, back to the stanzas.

    The phrase "A story evil somehow good // A tale of hope's untold despair." Like I said, it feels "deep for the sake of deepness." It's unspecific, it's vague, and can be connected to literally anything. It's English student bait! Ahhh! My one weakness. =D  Also, the word "somehow" fits the same bill. "Somehow" to me always feels like a cop-out. It's not a major issue, and shouldn't be worried about, but that's what I think whenever I see a "somehow" used seriously.


    You've probably learnt or been made aware of most of this. "Several years" means a lot in terms of writing ability. But hey, now that I've written this, other people can see it. Plus, it lets me exercise my creative writing muscles.

    This poem was fun. I like the structure, I like the themes, I like the poem. It isn't perfect, but I liked it.

    ...Wow, I wrote a lot. I'm going to put it in spoilers. And you said you had rambled.

    Oh snap Elbby, I wish I could like your comment more than once! Same for you Margy! :)

    Superb! *Applause* for both of you :D
    HannahB
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  • Oh snap Elbby, I wish I could like your comment more than once! Same for you Margy! :)

    Superb! *Applause* for both of you :D

    Be warned, I'm in the middle of writing one up for you too. Dun dun duuun. =D
    Elbbsas
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    Finrod Felagund
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  • Okay, to preface this... thing, I wrote it several years ago, when one of my part-time obsessions was Wordsworth. I really liked much of his work and sort of decided to try and write some poetry myself. I passed the outskirts of Brussels one day and saw a particular part of the city it lit by rays of sunshine and decided that was as good a reason as any to write it, so I spent half an hour doing it and decided it was good enough.

    I would appreciate criticism, though I have learned quite a lot of the things that were wrong with it. You may find that when reading it you need to play some small tricks to even be able to keep the tone going, but I could read it so clearly everyone else should be able to do the same.

    Okay, I now realise I'm rambling, so on to my Masterpiece;

    Spoiler
    Adjacent to Eden

    As crowds moved on beside the trees
    The city was looked on, not seen
    A host of Men locked in their dreams
    Blind to the mix of art and green

    Then, oh Delight the clouds above
    Let pass a tiny glimpse of light
    A single ray of Holy Love
    And none beheld the lustrous might

    That shook the world yet left it still
    That moved a heart yet puzzled will

    Once alone I glimpsed the glow
    The forest's sudden wonder
    The glory of the things that grow
    Yet somehow faintly slumber

    Beside the old young forest stood
    A city full of people fair
    A story evil somehow good
    A tale of hope's untold despair

    A single ray of light above
    Made clear to me this joyous wonder
    A city in a sacred grove
    A cure for every lustful hunger

    So at that time I turned to face
    The sky to say I'm grateful
    And in that oh so warm embrace
    I felt a love eternal, faithful

    And though the sky moved on,
    My ray no longer glittered,
    Within my mind the picture shone
    A sight that never withered

    A million must have passed the grove
    Not noticing its beauty
    Lord make this poem like a dove
    Let preaching be its duty

    And as my readers' lives shall pass
    With beauty all about them
    Let them perceive in blades of grass
    The glory of an anthem
    Warning, this is long and I went English-nutty on it.
    First off: *applause*

    That's freaking phenomenal. Your stress-unstress stuff is on point, you remain consistent in your rhyming scheme, and the flow of each syllable in each line was rhythmic and above all nice. There are flaws, but I enjoyed reading it.

    As you said, there are occasions where you need to play "tricks" to retain the rhythm. Which is fine -- a lot of poems I've read don't even bother with having a rhythm at all. Plus, what points where I stumbled in reading it wouldn't be noticeable in re-reads, nor if it's read out loud in a performance. In fact it's good to have these points in poems that are read out loud, as it encourages speeding up and slowing down (and let's be honest, a poem that retains the exact same rhythm over and over gets boring).

    The points I could bring up as criticisms are just style choices. I know that some poems don't bother with punctuation at the end of each line, and leave the reader to assume where it would lie. Yet you've been slightly inconsistent. For most of the poem, punctuation is absent, bar for this stanza:
    And though the sky moved on,
    My ray no longer glittered,
    Within my mind the picture shone
    A sight that never withered
    I suppose I could assume that if this was read out loud, the commas would hint to longer pauses than natural. It's not really important, but it did feel a bit jarring. But only a tiny bit.

    Overall, you constructed this poem well. It sounds good, it's fun to read, and you know what you're doing (or have good instincts/a detailed guide).

    Now moving past the shape of the poem, into the content. I'm going to go full English-nut on this.


    I really like the line "The city was looked on, not seen" in Stanza 1. It's a similar distinction to people speaking at and not to one another.

    Additionally in Stanza 10 (the last one), the phrase "Let them perceive in blades of grass // The glory of an anthem" is a really nice line. To go full English-y and overboard, "anthem" implies humanity, loyalty, duty, order, and so on. It also, to me, evokes the notion of battle, as many anthems have themes along those lines. Couple that with "blades," and the notion of war is further emphasized. Battle and the glory in it has been emphasized a lot in poetry. So, let us instead apply that glory, that honour, that grandness, into the natural world.

    *Coughs* Of course, that's with full "English nuttiness" engaged. I may be right, and I may be completely missing the mark and/or overthinking things completely. Heck, if I was analyzing this for an English class I'd probably work out how to link this to, I dunno, the Industrial Revolution.

    I could go on, but then I'll probably be pulling rubbish out of nothing and end up going "THE CURTAINS ARE BLUE TO SYMBOLIZE DEPRESSION ASFFNLAG."


    Ok, now for some negatives regarding content and word use.

    I can't recall the exact term for this, sorry. Some of this suffers from what I'm going to call "adjustment overload."

    "Let pass a tiny glimpse of light
    A single ray of Holy Love"

    "Yet somehow faintly slumber"

    It's something that pretty much everyone deals with (and I have so much trouble with, you have no idea). People like to "soften" things, and adjust them to better fit their imagination. Such as using words like "slight," "very," "a bit." You can probably spot me doing this in all of my posts. People like to specify exactly what they are talking about. But it makes everything look weaker. I know that in essays, the effect is that the writer looks uncertain of themselves. In prose, the words get in the way and are more frustrating than anything else.

    This is a style choice. I'm well aware that while I try to avoid this, other people choose to do so. Plus, you've used it sparingly. In all honesty, I shouldn't even bring it up, but I like bringing up "things done well," and "things that could be better," when talking on other people's things.


    Another thing that I hate to bring up is that some parts of this feel "deep for deepness's sake." Take this part:

    Once alone I glimpsed the glow
    The forest's sudden wonder
    The glory of the things that grow
    Yet somehow faintly slumber

    Beside the old young forest stood
    A city full of people fair
    A story evil somehow good
    A tale of hope's untold despair

    First, the use of "things" smacks of vagueness. Yes, I get that it needs to be vague enough to encompass all the things in the forest, but things is just a painful word in prose. Things is always vague, and almost always needs to be a different word. Plus, from the line it resides in, the things are meant to be seen in a positive light. I'm not everyone. But to me, things has negative connotations. It smacks of lurking things, of crawling things, of things best forgotten and left in the dust, never to be spoken of.

    Erm. Now that I've gotten my irrational and emotive rant out of the way, back to the stanzas.

    The phrase "A story evil somehow good // A tale of hope's untold despair." Like I said, it feels "deep for the sake of deepness." It's unspecific, it's vague, and can be connected to literally anything. It's English student bait! Ahhh! My one weakness. =D  Also, the word "somehow" fits the same bill. "Somehow" to me always feels like a cop-out. It's not a major issue, and shouldn't be worried about, but that's what I think whenever I see a "somehow" used seriously.


    You've probably learnt or been made aware of most of this. "Several years" means a lot in terms of writing ability. But hey, now that I've written this, other people can see it. Plus, it lets me exercise my creative writing muscles.

    This poem was fun. I like the structure, I like the themes, I like the poem. It isn't perfect, but I liked it.

    ...Wow, I wrote a lot. I'm going to put it in spoilers. And you said you had rambled.

    Wow, that was way more in-depth than I expected or even hoped for. Thanks;

    Apologies for massive paragraphs and rambling on and on

    As far as the punctuation goes, you're totally right, I think it's quite clear where I stopped writing, picked it up again and forgot I was doing commas ten seconds later. That's definitely something I'll need to watch out for in the future and I'm glad you pointed it out, because I hadn't noticed.

    As for the usage of blades and anthem; I did sort of notice a bit of a connection there a few months after I was done writing it (when I'd just found it again and had no idea what I was on about anymore), I think my conclusion back then was that it was meant to link to the "Holy light" and "Lustrous might" as a sort of vague metaphor for the armies of heaven, with emphasis on their glory and splendour. To be entirely honest, I have no idea why I put that in a poem about how nice the trees look, but at a total guess, I'd say I'd probably re-read Pullman or something that week and just sort of added more stuff in there for no real reason. I had totally forgotten about my conclusions until you brought them up. In hindsight, if I had truly wanted to use a piece of a forest to stage a battle between angels, I probably should have actually made it clear this was happening, rather than adding confusing, weird stuff for the sake of having it. (As I said, I had the mentality of "If I see it, you should be able to as well" and didn't even bother to ask anyone if they saw it too)

    As far as the "deepness for deepness" sake is concerned, that was my main criticism of it as well. Looking back on it now, it's clear that I took myself way too seriously. The "evil somehow good" could have something to do with the angelic underlying theme (if that's even a reason for anything at this point), but most of it could just be cute entirely with no significant effect on the poem. I don't quite remember why I wrote it, but I'm going to assume I was filling space with some very nicely packaged nothing.
    I'm glad of your commentary on the word things. Now you mention it, especially with the word "the" in front of it, it does conjure up some pretty disturbing images.
    As for "somehow", I think that may be my main issue even today. I love that word and its' unnecessary vagueness and most of all, it's ability to get from a to f without passing through b,c,d and e. "I decided to becoming a painter and somehow Poland got split between Germany and the USSR".

    In conclusion, I think I tried too hard to cram a lot of things into too little space. When the main theme of the poem was meant to be people needing to pay attention to the beauty of the world around them, I feel like adding a battle between dark and light contributes very little when it is only vaguely alluded to like it is here, especially when it would take a whole load of looking far too deeply at the meanings of some of the things written there. Even the title, which was meant to tie the two themes together just sort of ends up sounding like a sixteen-year-old with delusions of grandeur and a very biblical frame of reference. In addition, if said sixteen-year-old can't explain his own reasons for doing things a few years later, it just adds to the idea of it being a very "look how much I can cram into this poem" sort of attitude, with a haughty disdain for those who 'didn't get it'.

    All this probably sounds like I'm pretty upset at myself, but to be honest, I'm probably reading too much into my thoughts on the matter. Knowing me, I probably wrote it, quite liked it, then forgot all about it, all with very minimal arrogance and annoyance at people, so I shall refrain from going on any more of a rant because of this.

    Thank you very much for your feedback, I'm glad I finally got someone to look into it and I'm sure this'll all be very useful in future writing. 

    And since I'm now competing on rant length, I guess I'm spoilering it too.
    4 people like this post: Gerrick, taulover, HannahB, Elbbsas
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    Elbbsas
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  • Wow, that was way more in-depth than I expected or even hoped for. Thanks;

    Apologies for massive paragraphs and rambling on and on

    As far as the punctuation goes, you're totally right, I think it's quite clear where I stopped writing, picked it up again and forgot I was doing commas ten seconds later. That's definitely something I'll need to watch out for in the future and I'm glad you pointed it out, because I hadn't noticed.

    As for the usage of blades and anthem; I did sort of notice a bit of a connection there a few months after I was done writing it (when I'd just found it again and had no idea what I was on about anymore), I think my conclusion back then was that it was meant to link to the "Holy light" and "Lustrous might" as a sort of vague metaphor for the armies of heaven, with emphasis on their glory and splendour. To be entirely honest, I have no idea why I put that in a poem about how nice the trees look, but at a total guess, I'd say I'd probably re-read Pullman or something that week and just sort of added more stuff in there for no real reason. I had totally forgotten about my conclusions until you brought them up. In hindsight, if I had truly wanted to use a piece of a forest to stage a battle between angels, I probably should have actually made it clear this was happening, rather than adding confusing, weird stuff for the sake of having it. (As I said, I had the mentality of "If I see it, you should be able to as well" and didn't even bother to ask anyone if they saw it too)

    As far as the "deepness for deepness" sake is concerned, that was my main criticism of it as well. Looking back on it now, it's clear that I took myself way too seriously. The "evil somehow good" could have something to do with the angelic underlying theme (if that's even a reason for anything at this point), but most of it could just be cute entirely with no significant effect on the poem. I don't quite remember why I wrote it, but I'm going to assume I was filling space with some very nicely packaged nothing.
    I'm glad of your commentary on the word things. Now you mention it, especially with the word "the" in front of it, it does conjure up some pretty disturbing images.
    As for "somehow", I think that may be my main issue even today. I love that word and its' unnecessary vagueness and most of all, it's ability to get from a to f without passing through b,c,d and e. "I decided to becoming a painter and somehow Poland got split between Germany and the USSR".

    In conclusion, I think I tried too hard to cram a lot of things into too little space. When the main theme of the poem was meant to be people needing to pay attention to the beauty of the world around them, I feel like adding a battle between dark and light contributes very little when it is only vaguely alluded to like it is here, especially when it would take a whole load of looking far too deeply at the meanings of some of the things written there. Even the title, which was meant to tie the two themes together just sort of ends up sounding like a sixteen-year-old with delusions of grandeur and a very biblical frame of reference. In addition, if said sixteen-year-old can't explain his own reasons for doing things a few years later, it just adds to the idea of it being a very "look how much I can cram into this poem" sort of attitude, with a haughty disdain for those who 'didn't get it'.

    All this probably sounds like I'm pretty upset at myself, but to be honest, I'm probably reading too much into my thoughts on the matter. Knowing me, I probably wrote it, quite liked it, then forgot all about it, all with very minimal arrogance and annoyance at people, so I shall refrain from going on any more of a rant because of this.

    Thank you very much for your feedback, I'm glad I finally got someone to look into it and I'm sure this'll all be very useful in future writing. 

    And since I'm now competing on rant length, I guess I'm spoilering it too.

    No problem! I love English -- both creative writing and analysis -- but I almost never get a chance to exercise my writing muscles anymore. I should be thanking you, all things considered.
    1 person likes this post: Finrod Felagund
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